Chapter 43

Hannah

My alarm went off at seven, but I just laid in bed. I’d slept terribly, thoughts of what was going on with Nikolai keeping me up. He didn’t contact me last night, and I wasn’t sure if I should reach out to him. His mood was so closed off and distracted last night, I had felt uncertain about reaching out to him. I couldn’t exactly talk to Ava about it either. I doubt Nikolai would be thrilled if he heard I had a heart to heart with her about what it means when your boyfriend freaks out after his mobster father comes home and acts like a creep.
I hopped out of bed and started getting ready for the day. It definitely lifted my spirits to walk over to my closet and see so many pretty items of clothing to choose from. It added an extra fifteen minutes to my morning routine, figuring out what to wear and getting ready. Previously, I would have grabbed a pair of jeans and sweatshirt, thrown my hair up in a bun, thrown on my glasses, and called it day. I didn’t even really need my glasses, except to see far away. It was the reason I always had to sit in the back of the class when I used to wear them. Ironically, if I sat too close, I couldn’t actually read the board. Another reason to hate Jeff.
Ugh, Jeff. I wondered if he was going to be at school today. I felt the same little zing of anxiety I always felt when I thought of him, so I was devoutly hopeful he wouldn’t be there. Especially with everything being so weird with Nikolai right now. I knew he said he’d protect me, and I actually did trust him, but the timing felt super shaky.
I finally grabbed a pair of black leggings, a thin, white long boat neck t-shirt and a long grey cardigan. I also grabbed a blue, grey and white multicolored scarf to hide my fading hickey. I probably could just get away with a little make up, but when I’d put it on before, the shade of the make-up was slightly different than my neck and it had looked ridiculous, so scarf it was. Fortunately, all the new hickeys Nikolai had planted on me yesterday were below the neckline of my shirt.
I was just pulling on my new pair of knee-length black boots when there was a knock at my door, followed by Emmy. She was wearing her school’s uniform; a grey and black plaid skirt that hit just above her knee, a white button down, a black blazer, and black penny loafers with little white socks.
Her long black hair was in a bun, but not messy like mine used to be. In fact, she would often beg me to let her do my hair, not understanding it was my intention to look a mess. She’s probably convinced the only reason I got a date was because I brushed my hair. She actually needed the square, dark-framed glasses she was wearing, the darkness of her frames making her cobalt and amber eyes pop in contrast. Looking at her with objectivity, I couldn’t believe she didn’t have a boyfriend. She was a beautiful girl with a magnificent figure—not that it was being shown to its greatest advantage in her school uniform. Emmy had made comments about the boys in her school, and apparently dating a girl with no money was considered social suicide. Emmy acted like she didn’t care, but I knew it bothered her.
Emmy stopped and took in my clothes with a look of shocked appreciation, then frowned. “Okay, what the hell is going on, Hannah? Since when do you have all these clothes? Where did they come from? And, most importantly, can I borrow them?” I laughed, but it did not distract from the look of suspicious confusion stamped all over her face.
I sighed because I knew I was going to blab my secret. Again. God, I was so freaking bad at this.
“We need to have a talk,” I said, encouraging her to have a seat on my bed.
I gave Emmy the quick rundown of what had been going on with Jeff as she gasped in shock and horror. Her eyes filled with tears and she kept interrupting me, asking why I never let her help, why I suffered alone. When she asked, I didn’t really have a good answer. Not telling anyone had always felt like the right decision, but now as I looked into her face riddled with compassion and frustration, I realized it wasn’t the right decision. I never gave my family the chance to support me. If she had been dealing with someone like Jeff, I would have wanted to know right away, if only to lend a shoulder to cry on. I felt like a total fool.
I sat down next to Emmy on my bed and gave her a hug. “I’m so sorry I never told you, honestly, Emmy. I thought it was the right decision not to add to everyone’s stress, but now…” I slumped my shoulders in resignation of the fact that I’d made the wrong move.
Emmy pulled back, wiping her eyes. “I understand, Hannah. We don’t exactly have an awesome track record of trust in this family,” she laughed humorlessly. I could tell she wasn’t taking it personally, but was referring to the impact of our irresponsible, unreliable father.
“That’s true, but I still should have said something. I think it was also the fact that you were so young when it started. It felt heavy to confide something like that in someone your age, you know?” I gave her a look, begging her to understand. What I was saying was true; she was only twelve when all this started.
“Of course, I get it, Hannah. Honestly,” Emmy replied, patting my arm in reassurance. “So, what does the thing with Jeff have to do with the clothes?” she asked in puzzlement.
I sighed again. God, we were never going to make it to school at this rate. I launched into the story about approaching Nikolai and, I swear, Emmy looked like she was going to faint. “Are you crazy, Hannah?”
I rolled my eyes and continued. I finished by telling her how things between Nikolai had… evolved. Her eyes widened comically upon hearing this. “Let me get this straight, you and Nikolai were pretending, but now you’re really together?”
“Um, yeah,” I said realizing, it sounded crazy, given the circumstances. “I told you he was the one who gave me the hickey,” I reminded her.
Emmy leaned back on my bed, propped up on her elbows, watching me swipe mascara on my eyes. “I know, but I thought you both got drunk and hooked up or something. I can’t believe he bought you all these clothes. Did he also teach you to use make up?” she asked, gesturing to me as I swiped some tinted lip balm on.
I laughed at the image of Nikolai teaching me how to apply mascara. “No, he has a friend, Katya Petrov, she helped with the clothes and makeup and everything.”
Emmy sat up straight. “Katya Petrov? Red hair? Rich?”
I frowned. “Yeah, that’s her.
“Oh my god, Hannah, she goes to my school! She’s super popular. I can’t believe you hung out with her!” I’d never seen Emmy so animated when talking about someone from her school.
“I’m actually getting together with her after school today.” I had plenty to talk to Katya about.
“Whoa, if you went to my school, you’d be popular by association,” Emmy said enviously. Again, she normally didn’t lament her lack of social standing at her school, but I could tell sometimes being a genius and a musical prodigy didn’t make up for what she felt like she was missing out on socially.
“When I see her today, I’ll tell her you know her from school. She’ll probably want to hang out with you.”
“Are you serious?” Emmy gasped. Then, as if realizing she was acting like a fan girl, adopted a more neutral expression. “Well, don’t make me sound pathetic, or anything. I mean, I don’t need to be friends with her.”
“I know, and you’re far from pathetic, Emmy.” Emmy blushed at my praise. Emmy usually acted so mature and logical, I often forget how young she was.
“Thanks, Hannah.” Emmy popped off my bed and gave me a quick hug. I pulled back and glanced at the clock, gasping at how late we both were.
“Shit, Emmy, we have to go. I’m going to be late for first period as it is. Your school is even farther; you might miss first,” I said, frowning, even though I knew Emmy would hardly suffer academically from missing one class.
Emmy gave me a dismissive gesture with her hand, shaking her head. “I’ve got band first period. All I do is play by myself, for the most part. Mr. Foley only wants me to accompany the band when there is a good spot for a harpist, otherwise, I’m pretty much self-directed.”
“Well, I don’t want to be late, so we’ve got to go.”
We grabbed our stuff and headed out the door to wait for the next bus to take us to our respective schools, dread bubbling in my stomach as I thought about seeing Nikolai.