Chapter 45

Hannah

I was walking into the cafeteria with Ava when I saw him. Nikolai. I frowned and pulled out my phone to see if he texted me. Nothing. Shit, how did I handle this? Did I just act like I didn’t see him? Confront him?
“Ava,” I said, pulling on her arm and pointing to where Jack and Nikolai were talking. “What should I do? He hasn’t texted me or anything all day. Do I blow him off? Go over there? What?”
Ava gave me a thoughtful frown. “Well, you might as well see if he has any reasonable excuses for being so distant. If not, dump him immediately. Do not settle for bullshit, Hannah,” Ava finished vehemently.
I nodded my head at her. She was like my coach in a boxing match, metaphorically rubbing my shoulders and amping me up for the confrontation ahead of me. “Right, right.” I said, feeling like I was going to have a panic attack. What if he did break up with me? It would be especially shitty after that whole speech yesterday.
Relationships sort of sucked.
I was getting ready to walk over there, but Ava stopped me. She turned me, putting her hands on my shoulders. “Hannah, don’t be nervous. Just remember, you deserve better than to be an afterthought. If he can’t be bothered to tell you what’s going on, you don’t need him.”
Except to deal with Jeff.
However, as soon as that thought came to me, I realized I was in a better place now than I had been when I’d first approached Nikolai. I told my sister about Jeff and would tell my mom later today. I was friends with Ava and Katya. I had resources, support. Having Nikolai for protection was incredibly gratifying and reassuring, but if I had to figure it out on my own, I felt like I might be able to do it.
“You’re right,” I agreed. I turned and walked over to where Nikolai was sitting with Jack. I could only see one quarter of his face from the direction I was approaching, but I easily saw the effects of the fight. He had a bruise on his upper left cheek, and as I got closer, I saw how raw and swollen his knuckles looked.
I cleared my throat when I got about two feet away, and Jack quickly glanced over at me, then caught Nikolai’s eye and gestured to where I was standing. Nikolai’s head swung around, and I gasped.
The bruise on his cheek was only the beginning. He had another one along his right jawline and a small cut at his hairline by his right temple. Jack, on the other hand, didn’t have a scratch on him. Did they make Nikolai fight everyone?
“What the fuck, Jack?” All my anger at Nikolai coalesced and directed itself at Jack. Both Jack and Nikolai looked at me with shocked expressions.
Jack frowned. “What?”
“Why didn’t you help him?” I asked, gesturing to Nikolai’s condition. “Why does he look like this and you look perfectly fine?” I was furious no one had protected Nikolai. Jack’s brows started to crease in aggravation. “Did he fight everyone—”
“Hannah, stop,” Nikolai cut in. I swung my accusing gaze back to him and saw him frowning as well. Nikolai got up from the table and grabbed my arm. “I’m fine.”
I gaped. He looked far from fine. “Nikolai, have you seen yourself?”
“Yes, but they look worse, trust me.” Nikolai’s bruised mouth smirked humorlessly.
Trust him? Not right now. “Look, can we talk?”
Nikolai sighed like he was expecting this, and Jack immediately got up and walked away, clearly having no desire to be a part of this conversation.
“What’s going on, Nikolai? Why are you fighting? Why haven’t I heard from you?” I asked, struggling to keep the hurt from leeching into my voice, but suspecting I was failing miserably. Nikolai looked me in the eye, his gaze glacial. He looked around the steadily filling cafeteria, grabbed my hand, and pulled me through the doors leading to an outside eating area for seniors. It was a cool day, so there weren’t many people out here. He pulled me to a picnic table, and we sat, while I stared at him expectantly.
Nikolai simply stared at me for a moment, his expression inscrutable. My heart had taken up residence in my throat. “Hannah, I’m sorry. Seeing my father fucked me up, put me in a crazy mood. I needed to deal with it.” He didn’t look sorry. He looked angry and distant, but at least he was talking to me.
“Okay,” I started slowly. “What do you mean by deal with it? Deal with what?”
Nikolai shrugged his shoulders and frowned, indicating he was not at all comfortable with this type of discussion. In fact, he looked ready to jump out of his skin. “The anger, I guess.”
Good guess.
“Why not call and talk to me about it?” I asked reasonably.
Nikolai frowned and gave me an are-you-fucking-serious look. “Why the fuck would I want to talk about it?”
It was my turn to frown and give him the same look. “So you’ll feel better.”
Nikolai chuffed out a dry laugh. “That’s bullshit. Talking about being angry doesn’t make you less angry. I need to channel it, and for me the only solution was fighting.” He said that with such finality, it was clear he wouldn’t be receptive to any alternatives I might suggest. Then he cocked his head and said thoughtfully, “I suppose I could have gotten drunk.”
God, those were the options? I frowned, uncertain of how to navigate this. “Look, Nikolai, I hate the idea of you hurting yourself.”
He laughed again, “Hurting myself? I know how to fight, Hannah. Those pussies at Briar Ridge were never really going to hurt me. The only reason they got the hits in they did is because I was fighting three or four at a time.”
My jaw swung open. “Why?”
“Because I needed it, Hannah. I needed to get rid of the anger and give out pain,” Nikolai said flatly, but intensely.