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I don’t know what to say. I’m completely stunned into silence. I want to rewind to seconds ago when his mouth was on mine and his fingers slid inside me when I didn’t want him to stop. I’m reeling with confusion, stung by his instant rage and close to tears. My heartache returns with passion as he walks off from the car into darkness for a few minutes. I can barely make out his powerful figure as he paces back and forth. He seems pissed off, trying to regain control and arguing with himself. If it weren’t so traumatic, it would be funny to watch.
I try to pull in my thoughts, tugging my torn skirt around me a little to conceal my nakedness before he returns. He spins toward the car and stalks back with a glare of sheer fury as he slams into his seat with a closed-off expression on his face. He doesn’t look at me and throws us into reverse at speed, causing me to shoot forward. His hand darts out and grabs me to stop my collision with the dash.
“Put your fucking belt on!” he barks, almost like he’s slapped me in the face, and I remove his hand from my waist and scramble to pull my belt over, harnessing myself in obediently. I can’t speak. I’m on the verge of breaking down because I have no idea what I’ve done wrong, and I become a jumble of shaking nerves.
What the hell happened?
He flicks on the stereo with a button push, and music blares around us. Nickelback’s ‘Rockstar’ is mid-chorus, loud and invading, drowning out the ability to talk. He’s making it very clear he has no intention of talking anymore. His focus is on the road as he reverses into a clear traffic space, a little more gently this time, but his face is a picture of rage. He gets us back on route, jaw tight and frowning. Even from this angle, I can see the darkness in his eyes and know he’s in another shitty mood, clearly in psycho mode.
He’s driving a little more aggressively, just like he did on the way back to the boat when we went away on vacation. Even that nightmare ended with me not seeing him for over a week. I don’t feel so relaxed anymore as he fully uses the car’s responsive acceleration. I know a severely pissed Carrero when I see him, but I don’t understand why. I slide down in my seat, trying to look out the window away from him, my heart pounding through my chest manically, so afraid to look his way. I have so much I want to say to him, but this reaction and how he’s acting have killed the words on my lips. I want to cry and get as far away from him as possible to sob this night out.
I maneuver my skirt around my waist, so the split is up the outer side of my thigh; at least I’ll be able to hold it together when I exit and only expose my leg instead of my ass. I catch him glancing at me, his expression harsh. He clenches his teeth, making his jaw move in agitation, and looks away again quickly, almost spearing my heart with the ferocity of his glare.
The rest of the journey is tense, and conversation free as loud music blares around us, adding to the heightened fragility of the atmosphere.
* * *
When we finally pull up to my building, he gets out and comes around to let me out of the car. Yanking the door upwards, he stands back to keep his distance as I clamber out ungracefully, holding my skirt with one hand and gripping the doorframe with the other. We avoid looking at one another, the icy air between us sending out chills. I long for him to say something … anything. But he doesn’t. He closes the door behind me, walks off, gets back into his beast, and pulls away, leaving me standing on the curb. His tires screeching on the road add another slice to my already slashed heart. One more Jake scar for the collection.
Sarah looks me up and down in confusion and worried alarm, questions held on her lips, yet she says nothing. She’s waiting for me to explain, watching my expression earnestly. I’m keeping my skirt together with one hand on my thigh, but it’s not doing much to conceal my naked leg; she can probably see my lack of panties. I shake my head, sighing, my face pleading with her, begging, ‘Please don’t say a word,’ and I walk past her. She moves aside, her mouth agog, but thankfully, she leaves me alone to let me walk to my room and shut her out.
I strip, quickly pulling on sweats and a loose T-shirt, before sinking onto my bed and letting the scrambled thoughts in my brain loose. I groan inwardly, dampening the agony. My aching heart is solidly back in place, and I run a hand over my eyes and rub harshly, smudging my makeup.
What the hell did we do? Again?
I’m more confused now than ever before. I thought Jake sending me away had been so final. It told me he wanted me out of his life and wasn’t into me. Yet look what just happened. I didn’t initiate any of it this time. He did. But he also ended it just as abruptly. He even said doing those things to me was why he sent me away in the first place.
Jake will never want what I want. He’s not looking for a girlfriend, especially not one like me. Yet, somehow, I seem to have as much effect on him as he does on me. I want to cry, but there’s a tiny glint of hope inside me, not just from the last few minutes together but about the entire day and the events leading up to his kiss, his touch.
He will have Dan Gabrielle fired; he’d already warned Ray off. Then he forbade me to leave New York, almost pleading with me not to go. If I think logically, he seems to act like a man with deep feelings for me. But, if I listen to my heart, it’s telling me I know Jake way better than that because he’s always been protective of me. He cares because I’m his friend. He’s a good man who defends any woman’s right to be respected more than any man I’ve ever known. It only makes him even more appealing.
But kissing me? Almost having me on his car?
And then, there’s Marissa. Something neither of us broached today. Marissa and his unborn child. There’s no way I could ever forget her presence in his life.
A gentle knock on my door interrupts my train of thought, and Sarah comes inside shyly, bearing two mugs of cocoa. She sits them down on the bedside table and climbs on the bed beside me, mirroring my pose across the quilt.
“What happened to your skirt?” she asks, reaching down to the floor to try to grab it. She untangles it and holds it high, smirking in admiration.
“Jake happened,” I shrug. Sarah and I have come so far in our relationship lately; we no longer have secrets. I’ve learned how to communicate with her better and enjoy having someone to confide in nowadays, about Jake anyway.
“Wow! As in …, you had sex?” She turns to gaze at me.
“Ripped skirt says sex to you?” I say flatly, blinking back at her.
“The lack of panties under the ripped skirt says sex to me.” She grins, but her smile falters when she catches my dark expression and shaking head.
“Well, if you call almost screwing me on the hood of his car, then walking away and dumping me out front without a goodbye, sex, then ….” The tears bite at my eyes, but I don’t allow myself to cave. I’m so tired of crying these past weeks.
No wonder I’m confused.
“Wait … he did what?!” She stares at me, her eyes boring into my profile with as much confusion as I have.
“I don’t even know. It’s been a long day. So much has happened, and it led to him dragging me out of his car for a heated make-out session that he then ended. And now he’s pissed at me for something he started,” I say, voice pitched, and raise my hands in agitation. “He drives me crazy.”
“Holy hell. I thought you didn’t even see him anymore. You left for work in a funk and came home half-dressed; how did you get from there to … well, here? In a day!” She grins at me, but I shake my head again, more confused than even her.
“I don’t even know, Sarah. I don’t know what to think anymore! I ran into him in the elevator; things escalated from there. I saw him twice after that, and he was bringing me home. The kiss happened on the way here.” My eyes drop to the satin bedspread, and I fumble with the surface threads, my mind a chaotic mess.
“Did he say anything?” She narrows her eyes, studying my face. She’s been trying to analyze everything ‘Jake’ since he sent me away a month ago. “You know, about making out with you then stopping it?”
I shake my head and take deep heavy breaths, trying to stop the thundering of my heart, to calm the trembling of my body as the shock finally dies away, and the pain starts.
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