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“I think you’re maybe killing it, Sophie, dear.” Sylvana chides gently, bringing my thoughts back to the present, and I can’t help but watch with adoration as the two of them stand side by side, bringing the bowl of mess to order. There’s something so complete about the whole scene at this very moment, watching someone who is truly maternal working with a child she treats as her own, giving healing to a girl who needs it with such a simple domestic task. Simply giving her time and patient attention in safety, trusting that no one will hurt her here or let anyone else for that matter, and as I watch the same love in Leila’s eyes. I see now that maybe Sylvana did that for Leila too.
I know Leila came through the same channels as Sophie did as a child. Sylvana’s charity is completely embroiled in taking children from abusive pasts. I realize I am among kindred spirits in this kitchen and have never thought about it before. I’m not the only one with scars and memories that haunt my dreams sometimes. I’m in the fold of two other beautiful young women who have their own demons and came out the other side happier and hopeful because they let people in again and learned to trust. They both sit here now, mere reflections of who they once were, smiles and genuine laughter in the knowledge they found a better, safer loving place. I’m the outcast I used to be. I’m one of them.
The warmth of the kitchen and the peaceful, serene atmosphere. This is what I need. This is what I’ve missed out on my entire life; a mother, a real loving maternal mother who cared enough to show her children how to heal, cook, how to improve themselves, and it doesn’t matter that she isn’t related by blood. She somehow changed the lives of at least two of us, and her son has done the same for me.
I’m happy here with her and with him because I needed this somehow in my life. I needed that nurturing love and guidance to show me how to be nurturing and kind to myself so I could become whole again. Learning how to let others have a little piece of my heart. Jake found that little scared Emma locked down tight in the corner of that terrifying dark room, and he slid his arms around her softly, told her it was okay to trust him, to let him save her from the dark recesses of her life and lead her out to the light. To let him protect her, and he did, still does, and always will; in a way that I know he learned from her … Sylvana, the woman who, without realizing it, nurtured the man of my dreams into a replica of herself.
With a tear in my eye, I watch the smiling happy faces in front of me, absorbed in such a simple task, aglow with life and genuine contentment. Emotion coursing through me for this family. Even if we’re not all related by blood, that’s what we are. Jake isn’t just giving me a family by loving me and having a child. He’s sharing his entire family with me, showing me I’m so effortlessly accepted. They are all my family too.
My heart expands achingly at the thought. This kind of unconditional love that so many take for granted, and here it is, a gift being given to me so selflessly. They have no idea what it means.
I want this kind of purpose. This kind of touch on the world. I want to find others like me instead of hiding from life and locking myself away, take them by the hand and draw them to the light, and show them their world doesn’t need to be so cold and alone. I want to make Jake proud and do to others what he’s done for me. He gave me courage and hope. He taught me to look at the person I have become and not the person I was cowering behind in the darkness. He taught me to let people in.
I want to be like her, Sylvana Carrero, a genuine heart that reaches in and pulls out the parts of children they’ve hidden away for fear of being hurt again. Smothering them with a mother’s love and gentle touch. I want to be like Jake, refusing to see only the walls we put up, looking beyond at someone worth coaxing out. Being strong enough to bypass all the barriers, shields, and anger to find that soul inside.
I saved Sophie from a life of pain. At that moment in Chicago, it was the first time I felt worthwhile in my existence. In some small way, being her protector and drawing her away to a better life was my one defining moment, and I want it again. I want to see more Sophies and more Leilas shining in the world, pushing through from the darkness, finding their way into kitchens like Sylvana’s and the lives of parents like the Huntsbergers.
For too long, I’ve denied my past and let it consume me, ashamed and blaming myself for what was done to me. But I’ve realized that true release from the memories came when I let them out and shared them with Jake, shared them with someone capable of loving me without seeing any blame or disgust in what I had to tell him, and now, I want to do that for others too. I want to be a better person than the empty shell that existed for so long. I want to be the person who saves myself and continues to do so, now they have shown me the way.
I gaze down at my stomach and run a protective hand across it softly. I want to be someone nurturing and warm, whose children will be proud of them, someone children will run to and embrace in the knowledge that I’ll always keep them safe and always put them first no matter what. I’ll never let anyone, not even Jake, come between my children and me or inflict any pain on them in any way.
* * *
“God, I missed you.” Jake leans in and kisses me passionately, our mouths connecting sensually. He makes sure I know exactly how much he’s missed me in one breathless embrace, lingering momentarily, and runs a hand across my face before loosening his tie and pulling it off. I can’t help but giggle and sag into that strong embrace weakly. He’s just arrived home and went straight to our bedroom, skipping up here like a child to see me.
Finally putting me down, he slides his jacket off and throws it on the end of the bed. I’m lounging, watching him in adoration, magazines strewn, and TV on low in the late evening, just so glad to have him with me again.
He’s been gone three whole days; work was demanding today, and his texts informed me there’d been three back-to-back meetings he needed to get out of the way before coming home. He has so much going on, and a little part of me feels guilty that I’m not helping anymore, in fact, I have no clue about any of the ventures he is overseeing nowadays.
It feels like we haven’t seen each other in weeks, and devouring that face and body with my eyes makes my heart swell to enormous proportions.
God, I love him so much.
He strips off, hauling on a T-shirt, and sweats quickly as I watch in complete admiration. His tantalizing body still being held aloft from me. I need to put my seduction plan into high gear soon, but I have other plans right now. As much as I ache for him, I must follow through on what I decided, and he looks tired enough to be less of a stubborn boy tonight. He seems exhausted for once and ripe for a little Emma cajoling.
I slide off the bed in my sexy nightdress, padding over to the side unit and picking up the cream envelope, turning to him and holding it out delicately with a soft smile.
“Here.” I try for a gentle tone, watching him closely for signs of how this may go. Jake can be unpredictable at the best of times, and when it’s something like this, he can be very prickly.
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