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“I know.” He sounds ashamed, deflated, and devoid of hope; the tone of his voice yanks through my chest, tugging painfully at my emotions.
“I need to know what you were thinking, how far it went. It’s all that goes through my head all the time. You and her and I can’t bear it.” I don’t hide my tears, and my voice is trembling as much as my hands. He lifts his hands automatically, fisting them, and puts them back down. His urge to console me and touch me is torturing him as much as his closeness is torturing me.
“I wasn’t thinking, Emma. There was just rage and mess and a lot of pent-up anger. The more wasted out of my head I got, the less logical everything became. It could’ve been any girl. It just happened to be her. She appeared almost out of nowhere and was trying to get me to talk to her. I don’t remember much of what happened, only her kissing me, and I didn’t stop her for a minute. Jesus, this is so hard to say to you.” His voice breaks, his body tense beside me, yet I stay focused on my lap.
“I need to know. I need to hear all of it,” I whisper, tears coursing down my face. My heart has finally met so much pain it’s temporarily gone numb, a deep hollow of disbelief taking over me and giving me a moment of respite before it wears off.
“I guess she thought there was a chance for her. I knew I was making a mistake, even as messed up as I was, so I pushed her away after seconds, baby, I swear. Nothing else happened. I didn’t even touch her. I didn’t stick around either … I stormed outside and ended up beating the shit out of a security guard in pure anger because I was so fucking mad at myself. I knew I’d fucked-up, even in that state, baby. You must believe me, Emma. I’ve never felt so much disgust at myself.” He shifts, getting as close as he can to feel my heat, still unsatisfied with his inability to touch me. Part of me longs to feel his arms around me, but I ignore that inner defiance.
“Did you do it to hurt me? That’s what you said that night. To lash out.” I look away from him toward the kitchen and focus on the bedroom door I left open, trying not to think of the first time he carried me in there. So long ago, yet still there to visually torture me.
“I worded it badly, Emma. I never did it in such a calculated way. I was acting up and lashing out at everyone because I was a mess. Wasted off my face on God knows what. Hitting people and kissing her … It was all part of my fuck you all haze. It wasn’t like that. I wouldn't intentionally do something to cause you pain or score points. I’m crazy about you. You’re everything to me.” He sighs heavily, voice broken, and this time without hesitation, he catches my hand, pulling it into both of his firmly and holding it tight. I don’t resist this time, watching his fingers slowly move around my clenched fist and gently stroking me, enjoying how his skin always feels on mine, allowing myself this little comfort. I’m trying to take in everything he’s saying, and my head is getting so fuzzy with fatigue.
“I know I always seem like the cocky, arrogant asshole who’s so sure of everything. I’m that way because I’ve had a lifetime of being on show in the limelight. It’s a part I play so well that sometimes I forget to tell you about the other side … There is another side, Emma, the jealous, grumpy, shitty side. He’s insecure and so sure that he’s only holding onto you by the skin of his teeth. He’s lurking inside me, telling me that I’ll never be good enough to keep you, that my past will push you away. It’s why I push for more, push to get you to move in, push for the house, and the dream, push for marriage.”
He’s gazing at me intently, squeezing my hand into his, I think he’s waiting for me to say something, but I can’t. I don’t know what to say or how to say it. I’ve never been here before either. I look away, unsure of what he will profess next, but the passion in his stare pulls me back. I glance at him pleadingly, not knowing how to respond. He realizes I need something else, something more, something that brings this all back together, and he takes a deep breath, ready to continue his onslaught, knowing it’s anything but unrequited, speaking to my inner soul.
“You’re the one for me, Emma. The woman I want my happily ever after with, the big house full of kids. I figured rushing you into that stuff would make me feel more secure. Stuff I never imagined myself ever hoping for, but I see it all with you. It’s that guy who got unleashed with force that night, and I couldn’t rein him back in. The insecure guy who figured he’d been right all along and could never keep you…. That destructive me hasn’t reared his head for a very long time, and he never will again …” He leans in toward me, his voice closer to my ear, his breath tickling my face. “At Daniel’s that night, while wanting to beat the shit out of myself, I realized something …so blindingly obvious …… I always had you, every part of you, and I was too stupid to see it or believe it until I fucked it up.” His hoarse voice breaks a little, his tone deep and full of despair.
I sniff back the overwhelming wave of pain he’s caused me and lift my chin to look at him, gulping back the onslaught of tears a little forcefully, his words slicing through my heart.
“I still love you, Jake, but I’m so confused right now and so hurt. I was always yours. I don’t know how else I could’ve made you believe it. What else could I have said or done?” I’ve no idea what else to say after that. So many things are running through my head. Trying to process that Jake could be as insecure as me in our relationship has completely thrown me. I never imagined someone like him would doubt anything, let alone how I felt about him.
“You didn’t need to, baby. I should’ve realized it before acting like the world’s biggest asshole. I love you more than anything in the world. You have to believe that.” He catches my other wrist and pulls both hands up so I’m drawn toward him, his forehead touching mine, giving me no option but to obey.
His alluring green eyes meet mine, but they are dark and foreboding with the intensity of his emotions. Emotions matching mine.
I missed those eyes so much, like doorways to my soul.
“You’re mine, you’ll always be mine, and I’ll rip the world apart to keep you, Bambina.” He leans in, and I know he’s going to kiss me, moving in slowly, his eyes focused on my mouth with a hint of longing so intense it stings through my chest. My heartbeat rises in tempo, and my blood runs cold as fear overtakes me. My breathing hitches as he gently grazes his lips across mine, soft, warm, and tender. Familiar lips that I could almost fall into, hoping to erase the pain they caused.
Marissa floods into my head, smirking at me, pulling Jake’s mouth to hers while her eyes bore into the recesses of my mind, forcing me to push him away sharply.
“I can’t … Not yet.” I gasp, yanking back, trying to reel in the crazy burst of emotions that overwhelm me, suffocate me, and make my body tingle crazily. He lets me loose with a sigh and a look on his beautiful face of utter deflation.
“I understand. I told you, whatever you need, no matter how long it takes. I will do whatever it takes to have you back with me.” The sincerity in his voice helps calm me.
“I can’t think straight … I’m so tired and overemotional.” I sag against the couch, letting out a slow breath and wiping more tears from my already sensitive face. The hangover hits me hard again, and fatigue pushes at my eyelids cruelly. All this emotional roller coaster has done is make me crave sleep. I long for some peace in this nightmare for just a little while.
He leans out, pulling me into his arms, strong, safe, and secure. He slides back along the couch and nestles me alongside him as he lies down, his arms and legs around me, spooning me. I don’t fight or struggle. I’m too tired to protest or resist. A part of me wants this. After everything he’s told me, a part of me needs to feel him around me. The pain of being close and not having him touch me has been agony.
“Go to sleep, Neonata. I’m not going anywhere; I could use the sleep too. I was up all night checking on drunk women.” He buries his face in the back of my hair and breathes me in, surrounding me with the security I’ve been aching for. My mind tells me to push him away, but my heart is aching with his touch. I close my eyes, trying to bring calm to my reeling mind, and ignore the way my body is relaxing into him, molding itself to his hold like a traitorous whore.
You’re weak, just like her! Your mother would be so proud!
I push the voice in my head away, too tired for battle or any of this. I know I shouldn’t let him touch me, but I can’t compete against this. I’m tired, broken, and hungover, and right now, lying here in his arms is a battle I’m too exhausted to fight against.
“Maybe for a little while,” I say. “Then I should go.” I’m already relaxing into him, tiredness fuzzing out my brain, like being enveloped into a soft, fluffy, warm room after a terrifyingly cold night. It’s so easy to relax in his arms. They’ve always been my safety net and my whole world. The fatigue is moving in with his hold over me as though I’ve been waiting to return to this.
Lying here like this, I finally feel able to still my mind, focusing on just the feel and smell of him. The gentleness of his breathing and the way his fingers stroke my arm. It’s all so familiar and so necessary to my mental state. I don’t fight sleep as it moves in, enveloped in his arms, in the warmth and security my body has longed for.

* * *

I wake with a jump, dreaming I was falling, my heart racing as I bump back to reality. Jake’s arms tighten around me and hold me still.
“It’s okay,” he mumbles, sleepily, not fully coherent, bringing my cheek to his mouth and kissing me lightly. His warm breath giving me tingles and soothing my racing heart. “I’m here.” His voice is gravelly, he’s half-asleep, and I’m still held in his arms on the soft leather couch, only now there’s a warm fur throw over us, and the room is so dark it’s almost impossible to see. The only lights on show are coming from New York’s sparkling glow through the long, wide window behind us, and I guess we must’ve slept for hours as it’s the middle of the night. His comfort pains me how he can be asleep and still try to reassure me.
“I’m okay. It wasn’t one of those dreams. I dreamed I was falling, and it gave me a fright.” I try not to move, knowing I won't stay here if I turn to him. I’ll leave. I don’t want to face reality and do this right now or give up being in his embrace just yet.
“Do you want to get up?” He squeezes me a little, clearing his throat to sound more awake, a huge lump hitting me in the stomach. The surge of emotion at his closeness and all his Jake mannerisms. He sounds unsure, wondering if I will ask to go home. I can feel it in the tense way he’s holding onto me, and my heart bleeds a little.
“Don’t ever do that to me again,” I cry, suddenly letting all the emotion break loose at his tenderness. He freezes, his body going stiff, a slight ripple of his muscles against me.
“Do what?” His voice is hoarse as I unleash this burst of crazy Emma who has pounced out in the dark. There’s a mild hint of confusion in his voice as he tries to understand what he’s done to me while lying here next to me.
“Don’t ever hurt me again … Don’t ever do that to me again! Don’t kiss another person, shut me out, or make me feel like I don’t matter! Don’t make me feel like you don’t love me any more or don’t give a shit about how you make me feel.” The sobs overtake me, and I can’t say anymore. He crushes me to him, wrapping those arms tightly around me, pulling me into his body, so we’re almost one.
“Emma …” The pain in his voice matches mine, grabbing me so close that he’s squeezing me. “You think I would ever be that stupid again? This last week has destroyed me. Do you know how often I drove to Queens and sat a block away from your apartment, stopping myself from coming for you?.... About three times a day, every day…. I had to stop myself because I knew you didn’t want to see me, and it killed me…. I was right there, baby, when flowers were rejected and gifts thrown back. Because I hoped one of them might make you call me, and I wanted to be there as soon as you did. I swear I’ll never, ever hurt you, never betray you again…. I’m sorry, sorrier than I can ever find the words to tell you…. No one hates what I did more than me…. Please, Emma, give me one chance, and I promise you I’ll never give you another reason to leave me for the rest of our lives…. I love you. You’re all that matters to me. Nothing else is worth anything if you’re not a part of it. How you feel is everything. You’re inside of me; you’re a part of me. My heart doesn’t beat without you, baby. I need you,” he says it all, barely taking a breath, clinging to me fiercely.
I turn in his arms and throw myself around him, taking comfort from the person I need most in the world. I still ache, and I’m still grieving for what he’s done, but I need to be here with him to heal. The wracking pain from being away from him is more unbearable than facing the pain of what he’s done to us. It’s crazy and messed up; maybe it makes me weak, but it’s the only way I can function.
“I don’t want to leave,” I whimper, with my head buried in his neck.
“No one is making you go, Emma. They’re going to have to fight me to the death to try to get you out of my arms. I won’t let you go.” The hoarseness in his voice betrays his emotion, close to breaking down, yet with a hint of stubborn Carrero.
“I want to come home.” I sniff quietly, my heart wrenching through my chest painfully.
“I want you home. I need you home.” He presses his mouth to my forehead and inhales me heavily.
I sound like a broken child, wrapped in my security blanket, longing for him to take all my decisions away and take care of me. I can be angry and sort out the mess of what we have left tomorrow. Then, when I’m more able to, we can face this together, whatever ‘this’ is or will be.
“I still don’t know if I can …” I hesitate, screwing my eyes shut against his chest, breathing in his scent.
“I told you, I’ll do whatever you need, baby. As much space as you need … As much time as you need. Come home. I’ll sleep somewhere else in here if that’s what you need. I’m begging you.” His voice is rough and low, his arms holding me tight, and I know he’ll never let anyone take me.
My Jake. My security. My tormentor.
“Can we go to bed?” I whisper. I’m still so exhausted, I want to stop thinking, just for one moment, and forget any of this, forget everything but what he feels like. I’m not ready to be free of his arms around me, giving me much-needed serenity. I sniff back the last of my tears and lift my chin to him.
“Together? Same bed?” He’s wary and gentle. He doesn’t want to presume anything, so I nod and bring my eyes to his in the dim light.
“Don’t do anything more than hold me … I can’t … I can’t do anything more than that. I don’t even know if we can even do this.”
Even though I know I need this.
I close my eyes and rest against him, trying to calm all the inner protests and voices telling me how pathetic and weak I am.
“We’ll take it one hour at a time. Adjust to what you need. Just being with you is enough, Neonata. It’s always enough.” He slides up and scoops me into his arms like a child, letting the throw slide from us to the floor almost gracefully.
He carries me, as though I’m fragile and ready to break, to the bedroom and lies me down gently on the bed before moving back to give me space. Then he turns his back, so I can have privacy to change.
Without hesitation, I pull off my clothes until only my underwear and the silk camisole remains, then I slide under the sheets. Being back in this room and this bed with him makes my heart lift a little, that empty hopelessness moving away just enough to let me breathe. When he hears me sliding into the sheets, he pulls off his clothes too, keeping only his boxers on, and slips in beside me. He waits hesitantly to see if I want his touch until I tug his hand toward me, and he relaxes, takes me back into his arms, holds me tight, and then begins to stroke my hair softly.
“I love you so much.” His soft low huskiness makes me close my eyes, and I trace my hands along his powerful arms around me. My body is yearning for more than his embrace but is quietened by my emotions building inside. I can’t bear to do more than this until I can push her out of my head, if I ever can. What he did with her, the confusion about what I wanted, and all the emotions swirling inside me, waiting for release.
There’s a storm brewing inside of me, and she’s not ready to give up the fight just yet, but she needs this for herself. She needs a break from the pain, and he’s the only one capable of giving it to her. A lull in the storm to get my head straight with some much-needed rest and solitude from my own brain.
I snuggle down under the duvet and wrap my legs through his without thinking about what I’m doing like we have done a million times before. His deep, steady breathing calms me completely. The thoughts, aches, and pains, drift into numbness. I’m shocked at just how quickly I start dosing off again. Days of emotional insomnia are finally catching up with me.
Weak, pathetic girl. Mommy’s little mirror image.
Shhhh, I’m nothing like her.