173
“No, baby, I’m sorry … sorry that I upset you tonight. I’m sorry I left you in that club, and I’m sorry I shoved you out of the way. I’m sorry I made you feel like you did when I came home. You know I can be a prize asshole, especially when I drink.” His voice is husky. His hand lifts my chin, and he kisses me slow and soft, a perfect Jake ‘I love you’ kiss that melts every part of me.
“I was so mad at you,” I whisper unsurely, closing my eyes against the feel of his skin, confusion running through me at what I just made him do.
“I noticed.” He grins against my mouth; it makes me smile despite myself. “I liked this … angry Emma sex … but I don’t think I want to do it very often, Bambina. I feel guilty now, guilty that I hurt you.” His hand slowly traces my shoulder and upper arm, coming down to stroke across my ass where he struck me. “Are you okay?” He sounds genuinely concerned and remorseful, his face hovering over mine.
“You didn’t hurt me, not really,” I breathe. “I liked it, too. But now I want normal Jake,” I sigh, my body fully relaxing as his face moves against mine, bringing his nose across my cheek with small playful kisses.
“I’m always here, Bambina … even mid-angry fuck. I would have stopped and made love to you had you said the word.” He brushes his lips against mine, still cupping my face. “You can always trust me, Emma, even when I act like a violent, crazed, jealous idiot.” He smiles against my mouth and moves his body to mold against mine a little better. He pulls the bedsheets over us now that we’re calm and our body heat is cooling.
“Jealous?” I repeat, confused and wary.
Had he been jealous when Ben brought up Marissa? Or had it been me? This is what had started my rage, after all.
“As soon as I saw him touch you, I wanted to hit him. He’d given me enough reason by bringing up the past, but it wasn’t about her. I told you, Emma, with you, I get crazy jealous. I can’t even think straight. And this is new for me; I don’t know how to handle it. It makes me so overwhelmingly angry, and I want to hurt people and lash out.” The tension in his voice surprises me. “I’ve never been this way, so I don’t know how to deal with it. Marissa used to try to get me jealous a lot; she would flirt with Ben for a reaction. Half the reason things went so far with them was that she wanted me to react, and I never did.” He sighs, tracing my eyebrow with his thumb. “I never loved her the way I love you. This … us … it’s all-consuming. It terrifies me, Emma. The lack of control I have when it hits, I’m scared of my reaction. I would give up everything to be with you. I would do anything to keep you. You have to realize that.”
“But why?” I finally answer, quietly and unsurely, as tears roll down my cheek at the words coming from him. I’ve never understood what was so special about me. He is everything any woman could want: rich, successful, beautiful, fun, confident, and amazing in bed. He makes me feel like the most desirable woman in the world. He takes care of me in every way. And I just made him abuse me, almost rape-like, for my perverted release of anger.
What does he see in me? I’m a broken, abused nobody, a skinny girl from a horrible past who was just his assistant, a cold ice-maiden who kept him at arm’s length for so long that he finally sent me away. How could he have fallen so badly with someone so unworthy?
“Because you’re you, everything about you. Even when you’re trying so hard to be cold and distant, I can see through it for the most part. I remember thinking you would be a challenge, an ice queen I could melt with my irresistible charm.” His mouth comes down to find mine and gently grazes my lips, soft and sweet.
“So, the lure was because I didn’t want to sleep with you?” I push him playfully, but only half of me is joking; I’ve always wanted to know why he pursued me, why he feels for me what he does. So many thoughts race through my head, overanalyzing everything.
“At first, it confused me; I’d never met a woman so obviously uninterested in me. I’m not going to lie, I didn’t like it, but it wasn’t just that. It was something which caught me off guard in the first week you worked for me.” His fingers begin tracing the curve of my bottom lip and trail along my jaw.
“What?” I rest my forehead against his, pulled in by the gentle words and touch.
“You took your hair down. It sounds so nothing when I say it aloud, but I saw you at your desk engrossed in work. I watched you for a moment, transfixed by the difference it made. You looked soft and innocent, almost vulnerable as if losing that polished schoolmistress hair had made you forget the mask for a second. And I knew straight away that I was in danger of having my head fucked over by a girl who didn’t seem to want to know me.” He kisses me again, more meaningfully this time.
“How could you know all that when you barely knew anything about me?” I giggle at him and his earnestness. My racing thoughts are calming as we lie here.
“Because I had come to realize that you didn’t trust men. You didn’t trust me. There was something about you … a fear of letting me or any guy close. I could sense it even though I didn’t understand it. And seeing you just for that moment without the mask, I caught a glimpse of the girl you were trying to protect, and I wanted to pull her out of you and protect her for you.” He frowns against me, sighing deeply. “I made it my mission to make you trust me, dolcezza, to let me touch you without you flinching, without that look of fear that you had the first time I ever laid a hand on you. I wanted it more than anything. The harder I tried to make you relax with me and saw the crazy number of layers, the harder I fell for you.”
“Why would you try? The truth must have been disappointing.” I close my eyes at the memory of first admitting I was damaged and how he had looked so torn and ravaged by it.
“Why would you think that? Finding out why you were so guarded only made me crazy protective of you in ways that made me lose my mind. I’ve never been that way with any woman. Emma, when will you realize that I fell in love with all of you? Every bad thing that happened to you only contributed to who you are. I’ve never known anyone like you. You’re beautiful, brave, strong, smart, sexy, and sometimes funny. I love all of that, but what I love the most is this,” he whispers, kissing my nose softly, “The scared, vulnerable, insecure you who lets me in, who lets me protect her, the part of you who lets her sexual inhibitions go and feels safe enough to let me do anything with. You make me feel twenty feet tall; I want to squeeze the shit out of you. I love this part of you so much more because it’s only for me because you trust me. Because you love me.” His voice is hoarse and low and filled with emotion. In one sentence, he has removed my shame about the way I just let him screw me.
“You’re effortlessly easy to love,” I admit quietly, blown away by everything he said. My voice is torn with emotion, my eyes glisten with unshed tears, and my heart is aching.
“I think there are a lot of people who would disagree, dolcezza,” he laughs, kissing me more slowly this time, more purposefully, pushing my mouth open to explore mine with the tip of his tongue, igniting that same rush of desire inside of me, the longing to have him devour me. “I’ll never tire of kissing you … of touching you … of finding new ways to have sex with you.” His nose touches mine again in the darkness, his body heat all around me, and his breath gently plays on my mouth. “You may tire of my jealous outbursts, though. But then I did enjoy being punished, so maybe that’s not so bad.”
“You? Punished by me?” I giggle at the ludicrousness of it. “That never happened. I think I had the upper hand for all of ten seconds, Carrero. Your dominant self isn’t one to just let it go and relinquish any control,” I giggle, amazed at my ability to talk about what we did as if it was normal.
Maybe it is. Maybe couples have angry sex all the time, and I am putting too much emphasis on it being related to my past.
“Well, next time, just fish out that bondage gear and tie me up, then I get no say,” he smiles; I feel it even though I can’t see his face in the dark.
“Don’t tempt me,” I laugh as his mouth comes to mine again gently, my body curling up into his with longing already. Relaxed and happy, pain and fury are forgotten. I’m now aching to have my normal Jake’s love.
“As fun as it was, baby, can I just make love to you the normal way now? As much as I like our kinky games, I prefer making love to you slowly and gently. I want just to get lost in the feel of you and forget tonight ever happened. Sex with you is healing; it brings me so much more than I ever knew possible,” he breathes, moving over me suggestively; his hands brace his weight at either side of my head as he eases his body between my legs. I ache at how in tune we are and that it makes us both feel the same way.
“Can I ever refuse?” I smile as his mouth comes to mine, lost to him with every touch. His kiss takes over and pulls me back to a gentler, more satisfying, long, slow lovemaking session, lasting until dawn and pushing away any shame at what I made him do.
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