176

“Of course I do.” She blinks back at me with wide innocent eyes as though she has no idea. “Such a horrible life for a young girl … being sexually abused by her father is just awful.” She shakes her head with disgust as though she can’t comprehend it.
“So, because it was her father, it’s wrong? What if he’d just been her mom’s boyfriend?” I ask, sarcasm oozing. Argumentative teen Emma is aching to be let loose; ever since the angry sex a week ago, she has been showing herself in subtle ways that Jake doesn’t seem to mind at all. My inner rational voice jumps to the front and tells me to let it go, but my piqued anger ignores it. Jake shifts awkwardly in the chair next to me, his hand stilling on his coffee mug as he waits for a response; he’s letting me act out because he thinks I need this. I can’t look at him.
“Darling, what a silly question. Any man touching Sophie that way is wrong.” She smiles toward Jake as if trying to excuse my weirdness, but my rage kicks in stupendously. This is just typical of her in every way.
“It’s just not wrong when it’s me, though … right?” I snap, gritting my teeth and lifting my glare toward her with full fiery fury. She blinks, lays her mug down very carefully, and locks eyes on me steadily. This is how she used to deal with me as a teen, this cool and calm control she had over me.
“I don’t know what has come over you, Emma, but I don’t think this is a conversation we should be having in front of Jake.” She grits her teeth, her blue eyes icing over. If I ever wondered where I got the ability to bring up that icy wall and shut Jake down with a look, I see it reflected in me now.
“Scared Jake will find out something less than favorable, Mother?” I laugh at her, sounding a tad manic, and notice he still hasn’t moved his cup. “He already knows … I told him everything,” I smirk, shoving myself away from the table and walking off toward the counter to put space between us. My anger is growing, and I don’t want to lash out in front of Jake. Beyond that night of angry sex, he’s never seen psychotic Emma in completely crazed mode. I don’t think I ever want him to know that part of me. He would leave.
“There is nothing to tell, Emma … just the exaggerated versions of a child’s memory, nothing more.” She dismisses me so easily that it physically wounds me, a pain slashing across my chest so suddenly it knocks my breath away.
“What the fuck?” I spin, yelling at her. “Is that how you justify it to yourself? That I just imagined it?” My pain can’t conceal itself. “Or is it that you think I asked for it, Mother? That I seduced Ray?” I swipe my arm across the counter in my rage, sending crockery flying and smashing to the floor. Jake’s on his feet instantly, reaching me in two strides. He pulls me to him and tries to reign me in a little as tears fill my eyes. I push him away and turn on her again, putting myself in front of him so I can face her.
“Why do you always do this?” I yell, but she continues to sit with her eyes facing forward on the wall across from her, her expression blank as though her child is just having a tantrum. “You always make me feel this way! You always act this way whenever I try to broach this subject.” It’s all ripping loose from inside me, teen Emma not caring if Jake sees her in all her ugly fury. Jake tries to haul me to him, to embrace me, but I fight him off. I need to get this out. I need more of a reaction than this same bullshit I get every time I find the courage to face her.
“This is why I left … why I ran. This is why I don’t come back,” I cry in desperation. Jake stands behind me, his hands on my upper arms, trying to support me; he stays silent, but feeling him close helps me find courage. “You can never admit what you let happen to me, can you? You can never acknowledge that I’m a fucking mess because of you. You’ve no idea the shit that goes on inside my head every second of every day because of you!” I yell at her, the pain in my voice raw as tears pour down my skin pathetically.
I’ve never felt so close to hysteria in my life. I’m an unraveling mess of a child who can never understand why her mother doesn’t love her enough. She stays sitting and doesn’t move one single inch, focusing on the wall. Jake’s grip has become reassuringly tight, his strength keeping me up.
“Look at me!” I demand, but she doesn’t. She picks up her mug and takes a long, slow drink until I almost break, my resolve crumbling as tears begin to pour. “What did I do to ever deserve any of that? Any of this? I was your only child, Mom. I was your baby. Why didn’t you protect me?” My voice is oozing absolute heartbreak.
Jake’s arms come around me, and I don’t fight him this time. He pulls me under his chin, turns me into his chest, and holds me close. I hear his heart beating a little more rapidly than normal. I dissolve, so much heart-wrenching pain and tears pouring out of me. Jake has seen who I am, yet he’s not letting me go; he’s holding me closer than before.
“Jocelyn, for the love of God, if you don’t acknowledge her and what she’s saying to you, I think I’ll be the one to fucking lose my shit here.” His deep gravelly voice holds so much anger, yet it’s steady and strong. It snaps me out of my misery, and I turn my head to look at her. His words make her snap her attention to us. She’s so good at always blocking me out, but add a dominant male with an edge to his tone, and she’s all ears.
You’re pathetic.
“You believe the things she says about me?” she whimpers like a child, switching on doe eyes and blinking at him expertly. I have seen this face a million times; it’s her victim act, and she is damned good at it. It wounds me to the core.
“Emma has never lied to me, and I know she never will. I met Ray Vanquis; I beat the shit out of him and would do it to every guy you ever let touch her.” The malice in his voice wipes away her expression instantly. Gulping back unsurely, she slowly stands.
“I think you should both leave. I’ve nothing else to say.” Her expression may look unaffected, but her voice wobbles and her hands tremble as she crosses them across her waist in such a PA Emma way.
“Emma deserves so much more of a mother than you,” he growls, his temper let loose, the vibration of rage rippling through his body. “Your daughter is scarred to hell because of the shit you let her endure. Everything she became was a coping mechanism to blank it all out. You’ve no idea how far she’s come, what she’s gone through. Yet you stand here like she means nothing. That her pain means nothing. You make me fucking sick … as a mother … as a human being.” Jake wraps me in his arms more forcefully, trying to blot out the pain for me. “I made her come. This was a mistake; I see that now, and it won’t be one I’ll be making again,” he snaps and pulls me toward the table, lifting our coats but keeping one arm around me, my champion. With every word, he’s pulling me back from desperation. He finally turns to her, “There is so much that she had to say to you, but I see now why she never could. I finally see why Emma spent her life so closed in and keeping people at arm’s length, even me. You taught her that she wasn’t worth anything, wasn’t worthy of love, only of being abused. You taught her that letting people get close only left her open to being hurt. That men would only hurt her, and no one but herself would protect her.” Jake takes a deep breath. “When I marry her, I don’t want you there. You will jade it,” he snarls and turns, pulling me toward the door without a backward glance.
I have never heard or seen Jake this way, especially not with a woman, the fairer sex. His body bristling with anger, he guides me out of the apartment and into the hall, my tears still falling silently. I’ve lost all ability to do anything except be pulled around by him like a child. I watch him as he tugs my coat around me, his eyes flashing and sizzling. He bites his lip to curb his temper, his jaw tense and stiff with so much aggression brimming in his muscles. He sighs dramatically before leading me out into the Chicago air and back to the car he’s hired.
“We’re going home,” he says as he pulls the door open for me, deposits me inside, and clips my seat belt as though I am a child. He leans down and plants a soft kiss on my tear-damp lips, wiping my face with the back of his fingers before closing me in. Walking around, pulling on his jacket, he slides into his seat and slams the door. Starting the car, he thuds his hand on the wheel, making me jump. His jaw tensed, fingers bunching into fists. He finally relaxes and turns to me.
“I’m sorry, baby, I didn’t know it would turn out this way. I finally get it … completely … the parts I could never understand. You learned all that closed-in bullshit from her, you know, the icy demeanor and inability to talk. I know you probably don’t want to hear that. You probably don’t even see it.” He sighs and leans toward me, his hand capturing my face and pulling me to him. “I’ll never make you come here again. I’ll never question anything about your relationship with her. As far as I’m concerned, she’s the fucking problem, the reason you couldn’t trust anyone. The reason you can’t ever talk about the past.” He kisses me a little more firmly, as though he is trying to push his anger out as well as mine.
I relax into his touch, lost in how he opens my lips and feels his way inside, leaving me breathless when we part.
“It isn’t just what those men did, Emma … she’s a huge part of the problem. What she did was far worse and probably had the biggest effect on you, but you don’t even realize it.” He pushes his forehead to mine and finally lets me go.
“Just get me away from here, Jake,” I whisper finally, unable to say anything else about what just happened or to even acknowledge anything he is saying. That part of me that’s so emotionally damaged takes icy control.
“Don’t worry about it, baby … we’re as good as on a plane home. We need to pick up our bags from the hotel, and we can get the hell out of this place.” He thrusts the car into gear and maneuvers out of the parking spot, getting us back to the hotel in mere minutes.
He stops before getting out of the car to call his pilot, telling him to ready his plane for a trip back to New York.
In our room, he pulls me to the bed, hauls me down on top of him, wrapping himself around me like a second skin, and breathes in my hair without saying a word. He stays that way with me for long minutes before finally rolling us onto our sides and bringing his face to mine. I nuzzle close, listening to the steady beat of his heart. My tears dried, and my demeanor calm, but the ache inside me engulfs my body in pain. His body, though, is emanating sheer anger.
“I love you more than anything in the world, Emma. I love you so much that there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to protect you. I need you in ways that I never knew were possible, in ways I didn’t think I could ever need anyone. You’re my world.” He pushes his face to mine, raw with emotion. “She isn’t someone you should ever measure your worth up against. You should only consider me and how much I love and need you and measure your worth against that. No one else in the world compares to you, Bambina. You got a shitty deal when it came to parents, yet you turned out like this; you’re perfect. You’re amazing.” He kisses me hard, pouring as much feeling as he can into this single thing, pushing his meaning into me, trying to convince me of my worth.
“Jake,” I whisper breathlessly when he finally releases me. “You’ve no idea how much I need you.” Tears roll down my cheeks as he pulls me back into his arms, crushing me against him to take it all away for me.