219
“Hey,” I say to Sarah when she answers the phone. Her sweet hello makes me smile. I miss her like crazy, even though it’s only been two weeks since Jake brought me here. I’ve been hiding, mulling things over, trying to get my head around everything that is my life before reaching out to her or anyone else. I swore Jake to secrecy about the baby until I could let it sink in and see how things went between us. I need time, and he’s giving it to me.
“Hey, you. How’s it all going? I didn’t want to call after your text in case you two needed some time alone.” She responds with a gentle tone, the one she uses when she thinks I’m fragile.
Oh, are you about to find out how fragile I am.?
“I’m getting there. It’s been a bit up and down. I’m still taking crazy angry turns at Jake, but he’s been the model of absolute patience.” I sigh and think back over the last couple of weeks, cringing. Jake has been understanding. He’s keeping his distance unless I initiate rare touch. Still no kissing and no sex. He’s enduring my cyclone of moods like a champ. I can’t fault him at all. Jake has been everything he promised; patient, understanding, calm, non-demanding, and gentle, sometimes a little too gentle.
He is letting me behave appallingly towards him, not yelling back when I need to shout at him. Not reacting when I slap his hands away or avoid his touch. Instead, surprising me with take-out whenever he has to go out. He brings me everything I crave at any hour, night, or day, even when he has to drive thirty minutes to fetch it. He moved to another bedroom for the first two nights of my being here until I woke from another night terror and crawled in beside him, sobbing my heart out. After that, he refused to sleep apart again, so on that front, I relented. Sleeping apart was miserable anyway, not only because of the dreams but because I missed having him nearby, even when I wanted to throw things at him. Even in bed, though, he’s kept his distance for the most part.
“He should be, seeing as he’s the one who did this to you.” She soothes.
Oh, the irony.
“Sarah … talking of things Jake’s done to me….” I break off and inhale slowly. I still haven’t got my head around this little detail. Petrified by the idea, I'm still unsure if I’ve absorbed it.
“Please tell me he hasn’t done anything else that stupid?” Sarah gasps, suddenly in ferocious mode, her tone almost a growl. I can picture that sweet face twisting in rage and over-protectiveness.
Well actually…
“I’m pregnant,” I blurt out, breathing out so it comes out like a whooshing noise. I figure using the whole ripping off a Band-Aid method is probably best; say it quickly, and it won’t be as bad.
“Say again?” Sarah halts with a sharp intake of breath.
“I’m going to have Jake’s baby.” Another quick whoosh of breath in a zombie-like monotone.
God, even the way I say it sounds like I’m in complete disbelief, trying the words out for the first time after two weeks of mulling this over.
There’s an eerie silence for a moment, and I’m not sure if Sarah’s there anymore; maybe she’s passed out, but I didn’t hear a thud. The inner swirl of fear I’ve been harboring for the last two weeks rises, getting ready to spill over.
“You know … ordinarily, anyone else saying this to me, especially with all you two have going on, would make me feel a bit…well, upset. But I have this weird sense of happiness right now that I can’t explain.” Her tone's slow swell of joy as she lets my news sink in. She sounds almost as confused at her reaction as I have been in the past weeks here.
“You’re happy?” I question flatly, not sure of what response I wanted from her. Now I’m confused and suddenly a little irritated. Sarah was always the word of reason and wisdom. Now she’s being a Jake.
“I think you need this, Ems.” She encourages softly, with a gentle tone.
I am beyond stupefied right now.
“I need an unplanned pregnancy?” I repeat like a completely brainless dimwit who can’t absorb anything she’s saying, with an edgy tone to my voice. I am trying to figure out how her brain works.
“No. I mean, I used to think you needed someone like Jake to bring out the inner you, but now I think this here is what’s going to bridge that last gap. Motherhood Emma. I think you need motherhood.” She sounds enlightened like she’s just had the most amazing epiphany.
I don’t think so!
I have no words; my brain is whirring and whizzing at my friend’s idiotic logic.
“We’re not in the nineteen fifties. I won’t have a fulfilling life if I just get married and pop out babies,” I snap a little too aggressively, trying to reel in the anger I’ve been going through a lot lately, annoyed at myself for getting snippy with her. But really, she has the most idiotic logic ever. It wouldn’t surprise me if, in her next breath, she tried to marry me off to him!
“No, that’s not what I mean. Look, stop getting upset. I just mean that part of you, maybe, needs unconditional love and the nurturing maternal stuff that comes with being a mom. That with Jake and a baby, you’ll maybe find that place you’ve been looking for. What he can’t give you himself, he can give you by making you a mother.” She leaves me dumbfounded, so sure of her crazy ideology.
I run a hand over my face in agitation and rub at my closed eyes. Sarah has lost her mind.
“I have no idea what you’re on, but send some my way. I could do with that kind of special this morning,” I snap grumpily, hostility in full flow, only she giggles at the other end.
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