244
“Don’t goddamn “Emma” me!” Tears prick at my eyes through sheer exasperation. This situation is getting beyond ridiculous, and if I’m being honest, it’s not just about the lack of sex either.
“You don’t want me, do you?” I spit as tears start falling hard. “You don’t get the same lust I used to make you feel?” His face crumbles as he steps toward me, but I step back. He looks devastated, which only upsets me more but makes me think that maybe, finally, I’ve hit a nerve.
“Baby?” He tries to reach out for me again, but I hit his hand away harder than before, fueled by heartbreak and emotions cruising through me at speed, pain aching inside.
“No. Don’t touch me unless you’re going to have sex with me! Do you have any idea how it feels having you go from being unable to keep your hands off me to this?” I wipe the tear away from my chin angrily, moving anytime he tries to catch hold of me. Every frustration of the past few weeks is bubbling to the surface in an extreme emotional breakdown and raging insecurity, raising an ugly, tortured head.
“It’s not like that, Emma … You know I still want you that way.” He’s trying, but I’m not interested in hearing it, so fueled by hormones and frustration, my irrational mood is moving back in. His actions of late haven’t shown me that he still feels that way, and now it’s no longer good enough to just hope.
“I want the Jake Carrero with zero ability to stop lust and love consuming him. Where is he? The guy who screwed me in the back of a limo and the guy who pushed me against a hotel wall. Because that’s who I fucking need!” I’m stomping around, waving my hands, letting all fury loose, Teen Emma throwing her ponytail back in defiance.
“Emma, I don’t know what else to say.” Jake’s face is a mix of panic and pain, holding up his hands in a defensive manner, and he has no clue how to handle my sudden outburst or this version of me. This was supposed to be a happy day, getting the keys to our first home and coming to see it now that it’s all ours. It’s ruined because our friends were too horny to get out of this house before having a quickie, and it makes me aware that they are behaving exactly like we used to.
“You haven’t touched me that way since you kissed her!” I snap loudly, and his expression instantly turns sheepish. I swear I see the blood drain from his face, and I falter for a moment as a tiny flash of doubt comes back to haunt me from that bitch’s words. Maybe he did do more than kiss her? I shake it away as stupid.
“I know.” He drops his gaze to the floor and closes his eyes. “I know how this looks, Bambina, but it’s not like that. Hurting you, breaking up, and then the baby fucked my head up more than I know how to explain, and I’m scared to have sex with you.” His voice is low and sincere, stopping my rampant storming around almost instantly. I calmly turn to him, holding the crazy still for an explanation.
“Because of the baby? Talk to me, Jake, because this is killing me.” I beg him, moving toward him, holding onto the hem of his jumper like a vulnerable child, trying to understand.
“Every time I get close, Emma, all I can see is how you looked at me that night. It’s not just about the baby. It’s about how much I hurt you!” His eyes come to meet mine and flit down to my mouth, unable to rest on one feature, from eyes to mouth and back, as though all he’s thinking about is kissing me. I’m shocked into silence by this unexpected confession.
“What do you mean?” I breathe softly. He slides his hands over my shoulders and pulls me closer so we’re nose to nose.
“I told you I needed to learn to forgive myself too and that’s what’s stopping me. I haven’t forgiven myself for hurting you. It doesn’t matter that you seem to be able to forgive me and love me. I still feel like a completely shitty asshole for what I did to you. I don’t deserve every part of you back, Emma. When I look at you, it kills me that I hurt you. This perfect, angelic, trusting face that looks at me like I’m her everything. Don’t you see how much it hurts to know the sadness you carried in these beautiful eyes for the past few months is because of me? Not some bastard from your past but me … That I hurt you, baby…. I never wanted to be that guy to you. When you told me what happened to you, I swore to myself, right there and then, that I’d never do that to you. I’d never do anything to put that look of devastation there again, but I did, and I saw it, and no matter how hard I’ve tried, I can’t get your broken face out of my head anytime I think of touching you that way.” Jake’s voice breaks.
His hands tighten on my shoulders, and he clears his throat to dislodge the intense emotions caught there. I am stupefied into silence. My head is racing around in circles, unable to formulate one sentence with the mish-mash of thoughts brimming through my brain. My heart is aching between love at what he’s saying, how deeply scarred it has made him, and by sadness that he can’t overcome in the way I have.
“Jake … If I can forgive you, then all of this is stupid.” I blink up at him and see nothing but guilt and self-hatred looking back. This is never what I wanted for him; this is not how I want him to still feel about what he did. I need to fix this because this is not the Jake I want or the one I know he can be.
I lift my hand to his on my shoulder and clutch it, pulling it down, then turn with complete determination and yank him with me. He follows obediently like a child as though he somehow knows I’m in no mood to be questioned or refused. I storm straight for the front hall, hauling him with me at speed before he can protest. I turn at the stair and pull him after me. He’s being compliant, letting me, for the first time in existence, be the one to take charge without argument; a part of me tells me he wants this as much as I do. I’m empowered and not in the mood for any resistance.
Daniel and Leila appear at the top of the stairs as we level them, looking a little disheveled. Daniel is sporting a bloody nose and a grin like the Cheshire Cat; I don’t want to know. They obviously have some severely kinky preferences, and Daniel can handle Leila at her absolute worst. She seems to look a little less aggressive, at least, and as his hand is on her ass without any refusal from her, I assume it’s all good.
“Let yourself out. We will resume whatever later … Don’t wait for us.” I command and give Jake another demanding yank behind me. He follows obediently with absolutely no expression on his face. He’s probably mulling over everything he said in the kitchen and wondering if I am having some sort of psychotic break that he should indulge in because I am fragile and pregnant … I wouldn’t put it past him.
I catch Daniel throwing a cautious look over my head at Jake. He seems confused but sees some sort of sign on Jake’s face that satisfies him, so they both slide past us and head down the stairs. Leila giggles as she mumbles, “about time.” The sound of a slapped ass echoes our way, and they disappear out the door.
I lead Jake in a very commanding manner to the biggest bedroom of the house. The one that previously held the huge four-poster bed, the one I’ve already chosen as our bedroom. It’s the master suite of the whole house with the best view, and I’ll make a goddamn start on claiming my home! Bedroom first.
It has thick plush carpets and drapes left hanging on the windows. I let go of Jake at the door and walk into the room toward the windows, grabbing the curtains and drawing them hastily. My mind is completely set on what I will do to fix this little situation. Jake has spent the past couple of months fixing my emotional issues for me, and I am sure as hell going to do it to him in true grand Carrero style. Never take no for an answer; don’t back down when what you want shows resistance. I’m going to earn my future surname.
Turning to the middle of the room, I march forward and immediately start taking off all my clothes in a confident non-caring manner. Completely unbashful and not giving an actual fuck that the door is still open. I watch him stand a little taller, raising an eyebrow as he watches me.
“You have thirty seconds to get in here, shut that door, and get naked or this.” I hold up my hand with the engagement ring on. “Gets posted to you from Queens when I dump your ass. No fiancée of mine will let guilt destroy our relationship … I’m no fucking nun, and if you want a celibate girlfriend, it won’t be me!” I snap and throw one of my shoes off, letting it fly across the room at the wall beside him aggressively. It hits it with a thud, sliding down the wall, and I wonder for a moment if this is what Leila did too.
Jake watches the descent of the shoe silently before turning his eyes back to me. There’s a look of humor and a tiny upward crease to the corner of his mouth as though a smile is not far behind, yet he’s frowning.
He still hasn’t uttered a word. He moves in wordlessly and shuts the door carefully and deliberately, looking very much like a guy contemplating running away from his crazy girlfriend or fiancée or whatever. With furious intent, I continue pulling off every item of clothing I have on and throw each item at the wall by his feet very pointedly, each time with a raised eyebrow.
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