He wasn't hers, he never would be, not truly

Shreya drove to her home, speeding as fast as she could. It was almost 6 and the sun was starting to set, painting the sky in pretty colours. Weirdly she didn’t want to admire the beauty of the sky today because her head kept comparing it to Shanaya.

The blue sky is soothing to look at, it’s beautiful but when you compare it with the sky during sunrise or sunset, it’s bland. There's no doubt you would choose the sky in pretty colours (Shanaya) than the plain old blue (Shreya).

It wasn't a very comforting thought.

All the positive affirmation blogs she had read and podcasts she had heard and no one could help her stop her overthinking and self-doubts. She wanted to stop it, she wanted her head to shut up, she didn't want to care but she couldn't.

But she didn’t want to cry today. She had made friends, she wanted to celebrate it but now, all that she could think of was Shanaya and Vansh, in a swimming pool.

She had achieved something today, she talked to a person and talked with the group too, she even entertained them a little, maybe. But it was a step in the right direction, she wanted to celebrate it.

And she would.

She would not stay here, miserably thinking of all things Vansh and Shanaya and create stories in her head. It was a good day so far; she would make it a good night too.

She called Harsha and asked her if it was okay that she joined them for the movie. She had 45 minutes to do something with herself and then she had to leave.

She wore black jeans, a black cropped jacket and boots, paired them with bold lips and bold eyes and she was ready to go.

Before leaving though, she slapped herself a hundred times, forcing the thought in her head and kept repeating, “you’ll be happy and you will talk” with every slap.

She asked her mother if she could go with her new friends and the idea of her having friends was so amazing to her mom that she encouraged her to go, she even gave her an extra thousand rupees. This boost Shreya’s spirit a little and with a huge grin on her face she left for the cinema hall.

Harsha, Dev, Manish, Ritika, Aman and Amy, all of them were standing in front of the entry gate, laughing at something.

Nervousness crept up her body; she didn’t know what to do. Did she wait for them to notice or did she go and interrupt them? Would it be rude if she interrupted?

She slowly walked towards them and when she was about a step away from them, she stopped and took out her phone, pretending to do something important with it while she waited for any of them to notice her.

Ritika was the first to see her and she announced, “Look who’s here”

Now that the introduction was done, she felt a lot at ease and greeted them with a smile.

“We were waiting for you! Amy here bought everyone’s ticket already, so we can go now and you can pay your share to her later”, said Ritika and all of them started walking in.

Shreya didn’t even know what movie they were watching, she didn't care, she just wanted to get away from her thoughts and make some friends. She didn’t even like movies but she would do anything to save her sanity, even endure watching 3 hours of absolute crap.

“What movie are we watching?”, she asked Harsha as they waited in line to buy their snacks.

“Sanam Teri Kasam”

“Oh”, she said. She had no idea what movie that was, but she didn’t want to bother her with questions so she stayed silent.

As they climbed down in the theatre with snacks in their hands, another question popped in her head.

“Were they movie-talkers or silent watchers?” She had to know it. Because if they were talkers and she stayed silent, they’d be bored with her but if they were silent and she talked, they’d be irritated with her. Her friendship would end before she could say 'friends'

An hour into the movie she realized, that this group was a silent watcher; a good thing because silence came easy to her. She stayed silent, like the six and watched the movie.

She stared at the images on the screen but her head kept popping other images. Shanaya in Vansh's arms, Shanaya riding off with Vansh, Vansh bidding her farewell, the images kept coming.
She kept shaking her head, trying to distract the thoughts and focus on the movie, but the attempt was unsuccessful.

It was a sad movie, the girl cried and cried and cried and the guy just kept punching and shouting. It was boring and she couldn’t concentrate but the sad background music intensified her feelings. All the feelings she tried to keep inside swam out.

She couldn’t get Vansh out of her head. A tear rolled down her cheek as all her issues swarmed in her head; she wasn’t good enough, she would never be good enough, she would always come second.

Would she keep competing for love for the rest of her life?
Would she keep fighting to be someone's number one?

Many lusted, but none loved. Maybe she was one among those who you can fuck for a thousand hours and still not fall in love. Maybe she would only be worth if she was naked and wanting. Maybe she wasn't made for love; like her uncle said maybe she was made just to fuck.

Though Vansh said he loved her, she never believed him and wouldn’t ever because she knew he couldn’t love her. He only loved her body, or maybe liked.

And that was okay for her. She was okay that Vansh wanted her for just her body but the problem was that bodies are replaceable, a better one will come and he’ll leave.

Like today. It would be illogical to think otherwise.

Shanaya, the most beautiful person she’d ever seen, when she arrived today all his ‘love’ flew away. He was engrossed in her, he was proud of her looks, her fashion sense and everything else about her.

He forgot all about Shreya.
And he was never proud of her, to begin with.

She heard how he shared their story, he didn't ask for her permission even when he knew that this bothered her. They had decided on the same day they met and the story would never be shared. But he didn't care, he didn't respect what she wanted - pride was a faraway concept.

Shanaya was a surprise for her but… there was nothing she could smile about for today. Why did he have to call Shreya when he didn’t want her there, he didn’t care about how she was, and he didn’t even notice her.
Maybe all he wanted was to flaunt his best friend?

Shanaya was the model and she was just a background, unworthy of any special notice.

She couldn’t help but imagine if this was their last day together, would he still act the same? Would he still ignore her and keep staring at Shanaya? She hoped he didn’t, she hoped the relationship between him and Shanaya was purely platonic, she hoped he loved her – at least for her body.

She hoped he was hers.

The pain in her heart and the wetness in her eyes forced her to text. It was almost 10, were they still together? She didn’t want to confront, her feelings might be senseless but she wanted to text.

She wanted to know if he’d reply or was he busy with her?

She opened her messages and typed one for Vansh, a tear rolled down her cheek as she hoped that all her insecurities were just that, insecurities; she hoped he was alone now; she hoped he was hers; she hoped he still wanted her, as she clicked send.

“If the world was ending, you’d come over, right?

You’d come over and you’d stay the night.

Would you love me for the hell of it?

All our fears would be irrelevant

The sky be falling and I’ll hold you tight

There wouldn’t be a reason why/ you’d even have to say goodbye

If the world was ending, you’d come over right?”

The movie was over. She reached her home and crawled in her bed. She checked her phone, no reply.

An hour later, she checked again – still no reply.

A tear rolled down her cheek as her final hope died away.

He was with her or he didn’t want to be bothered by her.

Either way, she was lost, broken.

He wasn’t hers, he never would be, not truly.