Chapter 34

KATE.
I gripped the piece of paper in my hand as I made my way from the bedroom to the living room. I passed a framed picture of me in the hallway, and I paused, admiring it. Drew obviously cared for me. And I loved him. God. How much I just wanted to burn the godforsaken piece of paper and just say to hell with everything.
But I couldn't. I needed to know if I might have missed something and If Drew really had connections to my past. Because if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to look at myself again.
I found him sitting on a couch, typing away on his laptop, no doubt working. He looked up when he saw me approaching, a devastating smile lighting up his face. The smile died a slow death when he saw I wasn't smiling back at him.
"Hey. " he removed his laptop from his thigh, placing it on the coffee table in front of him.
I made to sit on the couch furthest away from him and with every step I took, my heart rate increased. My palms were sweaty and I wiped them on my jeans, but it didn't help. Yes, I was wearing jeans. Because I knew there was undoubtedly only one way this night could go.
Silently, I produced the piece of paper, handing it to him by pushing it towards him on the coffee table. He was surprised by the way I was acting so he didn't really say anything, just collected the paper and opened it. His face paled and his lips parted slightly. But other than that, he had no other reaction. He looked up at me blankly, as if silently asking me why I was showing it to him.
"How did you get this? " he asked in a dead voice.
"A man came yesterday with it, wanting to see you. John Green. " I paused, waiting for any form of reaction from him, but he just stared at me blankly, "He said you stopped receiving payments from the house and he had wanted to see you several times before, but you kept sending him away. "
His eyes dropped to the piece of paper again, before he dropped it back on the coffee table.
"Why are you receiving payments from my last address? " I asked calmly. I didn't have the strength to yell, couldn't. I was drained both emotionally and physically.
He stared at me silently, as if contemplating whether he should tell me the truth or not. But then he opened his mouth and said, "I own the building. "
At least he told the truth. The next question would be even more painful for me to ask. I didn't want to know, but at the same time, I wanted to. I had to.
"Did you buy it from someone else who owned it? "
"No. " he answered flatly.
My heart squeezed in my chest. "You collected it from my parents, then? "
He nodded silently. Nothing could have prepared me for the incredible loss I felt in that second. Since yesterday, I had my confirmation that he really collected the house from them, but hearing him say it was different. To know that he was the one that had ordered those men to throw me out of the house broke my heart.
This was the most fucked up conversation I had ever had. I was having a rollercoaster of emotions inside, but outside I was numb. I didn't even know who I was anymore.
"How do you know my parent, Drew? "
He stared at me, and finally an emotion flashed across his face ; shock. Had he not expected me to ask him how he knew my parents? Did he just think I was going to let this conversation go?
"I.... " he started then faltered. "I don't know them. "
I narrowed my eyes at him, "Are you lying to me right now? Really? If you think your lies are going to get you out of this, then you are sorely mistaken. "
His eyes darted around, helplessly, as if seeking for an escape from this situation. In this moment, he looked like he wanted to be anywhere else but here.
"Kate, I..... " he ran his hand through his hair, tugging hard on it, "I can't tell you how I know them. Do you not understand? "
"Apparently, I do not. "
He dropped his hands and I sensed a feeling of calmness settle over him, "I'm not telling you that. I can't. "
Drew didn't know how prepared I was to know the truth. He underestimated me a whole lot, for him to just think I would let this go. He must have forgotten that I had leverage over him.
I shrugged, standing up. "Fine. " I walked past him into the bedroom, shoving my clothes into any of my bag I could find.
He rushed into the room after me, "What are you doing? "
"Leaving. " I answered simply. That was the leverage I had over him. He couldn't live without me. Well, not technically, but his day was shit without me in it. I knew he'd do anything to keep me.
"You can't. " he argued, snatching my bag from my hand and flinging it across the room.
"Then you better start talking, Drew. Or I swear to God, I'm going to walk out that door without so much as a backward glance. " I threatened, folding my hands on my chest.
I watched him slide down by the wall, drawing his legs up and bracing his elbows on his knees, before letting his head fall between them. "Fuck, Kate. You don't know how hard this is for me. I can't.... I can't.... " he gripped his head in his hands, squeezing tightly.
His face was contorted in so much pain, I actually wondered what was happening to him. What could he possibly be going through that would put him in so much pain? Was the memory of my parents that bad for him?
My voice grew soft of its own accord, "Talk to me, Drew. " I found myself walking towards him and kneeling in front of him. "You know you can talk to me about anything. I'm here for you. " I gripped his hands in mine, and he looked up, staring at our point of contact as if committing it to memory.
"I... " he started then paused, "I've known your dad since I was eleven. "
My mouth fell open in shock. He'd known my dad that long? I tried to say something, anything, but I couldn't. I couldn't find my voice right now.
"I met him for the first time one day when he came to see my parents. " he continued in a dead voice, "He... There was just this way he stared at me. I couldn't really place the look, but I remember I felt uncomfortable and.... Scared. I was scared. And I decided that I didn't want to see him again. I figured whenever he came over, I'd lock myself in my room so I didn't have to see him. "
I found it hard to believe he was talking about my dad? In fact, I wondered if we were talking about the same person. There was nothing scary about my dad. He didn't even have one disciplinarian bone in his body. My mom had always been the one doing the scolding and that was whenever she was around anyway.
He licked his lips as he continued, "One day, I was downstairs doing homework and there was a knock at the front door. " he glanced up at me and at my hands on his before he continued, "I knew I should have just left it, let my nanny answer it, but she was nowhere to be seen. And I opened the door without checking who it was first. "
God, I didn't like where this was going. I didn't want to hear any of it. I could see the pain and fear in his eyes as he relived that day, and I knew it was real. He could'nt fake something like that. But why didn't the way he spoke about my dad sound familiar at all?
"He came in and.... " he pulled his hands from mine, running them through his hair, "He smiled when I told him my parents weren't home. God, Kate. I was so fucking terrified. The smile he gave me was nothing short of evil and I thought.... I thought he was going to kill me. " he gave a short, dry laugh, "But that would have been better, wouldn't it? "
I stared at him, in a ridiculous state or confusion. Maybe I had gotten it wrong after all? "Are we talking about my dad? "
"Hugh Rossi. Husband to Dorothy Smith. " he confirmed, in nothing short of a bitter tone.
He was right. That was my dad. And the extent to which he knew me rocked me to my core. But why couldn't I relate with what he was saying? My dad was nothing but sweet. That was how people described him. Sweet. Kind. Doting. Caring. Never had I heard him been spoken of in such a way.
But I found myself wanting to hear more. I wanted to hear his story and how it had affected the beginning of our relationship. I wanted to know why he had been so cruel to me.
"What did he do? " I asked him.
He stared at me, eyes roving over my face slowly. And just when I thought he hadn't heard me the first time and was about to repeat myself, he spoke up.
"He raped me. "
DREW.
"What? " she asked.
"He raped me, Kate. " I prepared myself for the denial, for the moment she would say I was lying and turn away. But she didn't. She just kept staring at me intently, in that way that made me uncomfortable.
"How? " she finally asked.
Talking about all this, exposing the most private thing in my life to her, was hell. It felt like I was reliving every moment all over again. The pain, the scarring, the impact it had on me mentally, they were all fresh. It was harder than I thought it would have been to say them out loud. Reliving them in nightmares and in my memories were one thing, but having to actually say them, was what made the pain all too fresh.
I closed my eyes, letting my head fall back as the memories assaulted me. "He asked me to show him where my room was. And I wanted to refuse, I fucking wanted to. But I was so scared at the same time. It was just me and him in the whole house, I thought he would have killed me had I refused. " I remembered how he smiled when he saw me cooperating. That sick little smile of his.
I opened my eyes, trying to gauge her reaction and I was shocked to see tears pooling in her eyes. Was she crying for me? Or over the fact that her dad had done something like that? Nevertheless, I continued.
"I tried to resist at first, really tried. But he was just so bigger than me and I was a skinny kid when I was younger so I couldn't really do anything. I was helpless. It was so painful. So fucking painful, I passed out. " I swallowed, before I continued, "It went on like that for about two more years, sometimes, even at his place –"
"At my house? " she cut in, shocked.
I nodded, watching her carefully, "You came in one day. I think you were just coming back from school –"
She gasped, her eyes going even wider with shock. She shifted back and fell on her ass before I could even catch her, "Oh my God. I.... I remember you! I remember seeing you in my dad's room, lying on the bed..... " she trailed off and she just stared at me.
I nodded wordlessly, letting her absorb all I had just told her. I knew she was reeling from what I had just told her so I needed to give her time to take this in first. Somewhere along the line, I was going to confess and own up to the murder of her parents. It was that simple. Because I couldn't say one thing without saying the order.
I could easily lie and say someone else had given me the news that her parents were dead, but Kate was smarter than that. And I didn't want to lie to her anyway. If we could get through this, and I would do everything in my power to make sure we did, then going forward, it was going to be truth all through. No more secrets between us. Because a relationship was built on trust and truth. She had said that many times before and it was high time I started working on it.
"Green eyes. " she muttered like she didn't want me to hear, "That's why you looked so familiar. "
"When you came in that day, I felt relief. I was relieved that you opened that door and that you finally knew what your dad had been doing. But then you looked away, and I felt all my hope turn to dust. " I found myself admitting.
A tear slid down her cheek, "I didn't know, Drew. I swear, I didn't know exactly what happened. Somehow, I knew my dad had done something wrong that day, but I didn't know exactly what it was. And I didn't want to hate him, Drew. So I didn't ask. I'm so sorry..... " she sobbed, reaching out to grip my face in her palms, "If I had known, I would have... " she faltered when she realized there was nothing she could have done.
"There was nothing you could have done, Kate. We were both so young. " and that's what I had realized along the way. That's why I stopped holding her responsible for the past because even if she actually wanted to do something about it, what could she have done?
She dropped her head in my neck, sobbing silently, "I'm so sorry, Drew. Sorry for what my father did. Sorry that you had to go through something like that. Sorry that there was nothing I could have done. " she glanced up at me, the tears in her eyes wrecking me, "But why didn't you say anything? Couldn't you have told your parents? Where the hell were they anyway? "
Her anger was refreshing and I almost laughed at the backwardness of the situation, except that this wasn't the right moment. "They were never home. They always took Chase with them on vacations, most of the time. I was always home alone. And it wouldn't have made a difference if I had told them anyway. They didn't give a fuck about me. "
"I'm so mad at your parents right now. How could they be so indifferent to their own child? " she sputtered, that familiar familiar entering her eyes.
I shrugged, "I was their least favourite son. I got used to it. "
"But going on vacations and leaving you behind? That's taking it to the extreme, Drew. Did your mom never say anything? "
"She never stood up to him before. She only started doing that lately. "
She pressed her lips to my forehead, hugging me tighter, "I'm so sorry, Drew. "
I knew that I had to tell her how. If I didn't tell her now, I'd lose the courage to. She could hit me, slap me, hate me, and I would take it. Now that she knew the monster her dad was, she would understand why I did what I did.
"Kate, that night... " I started, "The accident where your parents died.. " I ran my hands through my hair, my heart beating erratically in my chest. God, if only I could keep this information to myself. But I found myself wanting to tell her! I couldn't fucking lie to her. Didn't want to.
"What happened that night? " she pulled away to study me.
"I... " I faltered, looking into those grey eyes that looked so much like her dad's. Eyes that I had come to love over time. I squared my shoulders, I could do this. "They didn't really have an accident, Kate. "
"Then what happened? " her brows furrowed, lines appearing on her forehead.
I pressed my eyes closed then opened them, delivering the truth, "I killed them. "
Her eyes darted between mine, searching to see if I was joking or not. "I honestly can't tell if you're being serious right now. "
I blew out a breath. I wasn't so sure anymore how she was going to take this. But it was too late to turn back now. I had already started this. "I made a vow to myself that I'd hurt the man who scarred me so that the nightmares would stop. But they didn't anyway. " I gave a small humourless laugh.
But there was no sign of a laugh on her face. In fact there was no sign of life. All the blood drained from her face, causing it to look like a blank sheet of paper. She inhaled shaky breaths, clutching her hand to her chest.
"You... " she whispered, "You killed my parents? "
I reached out to touch her, but she shifted away from me, scrambling backwards. "Kate, you have to understand. I made this promise to myself when I was younger. " but she was shaking her head, trying desperately to stand up and get away from me.
I went into full blown panic. This wasn't what I had thought was going to happen. I thought she was going to understand where I was coming from, not run away from me.
"All this while I thought my parents had died from an accident. But it was you! " she yelled, pointing a trembling finger at me, "How could you even look me in the eyes after doing something like that? Are you even human? "
"Kate...." I tried to grab her again but she darted out of the way, walking out of the bedroom, "I'm sorry. Kate, listen to me. "
"No, I don't want to hear anything from you right now. "
She was unreachable right now, she didn't even look like she was listening to a thing I was saying. "Kate, please. "
She gripped her head in her hands, tears running down her face uncontrollably. Her shoulders shook with unrestrained sobs and I felt my heart breaking in my chest at the thought that I had caused this.
I closed the distance between us so I could hug her, touch her, comfort her. Hell, just be close to her, but she stretched an arm out, telling me not to come close.
"I know my dad fucked up, what he did was irreparable and he obviously was a monster. But my mom did nothing to you. And you shouldn't have killed them. " she glanced at my hands, "Your hands are tainted, Drew. You've been touching me with the same hands that killed my parents. The thought... " she closed her eyes, pain marring her features as she clutched her stomach, "Makes me sick. "
I just wanted to kill myself right then and there. How had I ever thought that we could walk away from this? The impact it had on her was so much more worse than I had thought it would be. I should have just kept my mouth shut and not said anything.
"Kate, I'm sorry. " I stretched my arms to her, opening them wide, silently begging her to come to me. But she shook her head and took another step back. She bit her lip, trying to control her sobs but it didn't stop them.
"I can't do this anymore. " she gestured between us.
Fear clawed at my throat, making me gasp for air. "What are you saying? "
She squeezed her eyes shut, massaging her forehead with her fingers, "I can't do this anymore, Drew. " she mumbled, "I'm not running, I'm just not there. This... " she glanced at me, "This is too much all at once. I can't. "
Her leaving the first time damn near killed me, I didn't know how I was going to survive it a second time. I had hoped I wouldn't experience something like that again, but here she was, telling me she couldn't be in a relationship with me anymore.
"Please, we can make this work... I –" the words died on the tips of my tongue, but I tried again. "I love you. "
She squeezed her eyes shut like I was putting her through pain by saying that. "Don't say that. I can't.... Not right now. "
She reached blindly for the door behind her, trying to open it. But I couldn't let her leave. She couldn't. I didn't know what would happen to me if she did.
I ran to her and held her free hand in both of mine. And for the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt tears threatening to fall from my eyes. "Please, Kate. Don't leave. " I begged.
She didn't spare me a glance, as if she didn't want to, as if she couldn't. She tugged her arm free and walked out, pushing the button for the elevator. And there was nothing I could do but stand there and watch her hopelessly. She stepped in and gave me one last look before she uttered the one word that shattered my already cracked grip on control.
"Goodbye. "