Chapter 39

DREW.
I stormed into my mother's apartment. She was only living here for the mean time until she could find a house she wanted. She had refused to continue living in the house since my dad got arrested. We still didn't know what we were going to do with it, but no one was living there anymore.
"Mom. " I yelled.
I stopped short when I found her in her loving room, eyes wide as she stared at me. She was shocked to see me, that was for sure. I never visited her unannounced and not voluntarily anyway.
"Drew? " she asked, even though she was very well seeing it was me. I couldn't fault her for disbelieving though.
She glanced at the door, then to me, "What are you doing here? "
"What a warm way to welcome your son. " I mocked bitterly.
She visibly flinched, dropping the glass of wine which I had just noticed she was holding, on the table. She sat up, shifting to make space for me on the couch. She stopped when she saw me sitting on another couch. And there was no disguising the hurt that flashed across her face.
She was dressed exceptionally, as always, and her hair was in that perfect tight ponytail, with not a single strand out of place.
Her perfection on the outside, contrasted with her flaws on the inside. She had failed at being a good mother to me, failed at feminism, failed at telling me the truth. And I was mad at her. Furious. Was she any better than the man I had called dad?
"I didn't know you were coming. If I had known, I would have ordered something. "
I watched her closely, seeing her in a new light. How could she look so innocent, lying about who I was? She acted like all was okay. Like I was really her son. "I didn't come here to chat with you, mom. " the word fell out of my mouth naturally, before I could even think about it. Could I still call her that? Knowing she wasn't really my mother now?
She frowned, "Then what did you... Why are you here? "
"I spoke to Chase today. " I paused, letting her digest that, but her expression didn't change. She still looked confused. I decided to clarify a bit. "Why didn't you tell me I was adopted? "
Her eyes widened in understanding, her face turning white as a sheet of paper.
So it was true after all. I couldn't describe how disappointed I was at her. At my family. No, my foster family. That I had to hear from Chase, who, by the way, I just found out was gay, that I was adopted. It made me lose hope in her. Was there any way we could move from this?
"Did you even plan on telling me at all? "
She was still recovering from her shock so it took her quite a while to answer me. "No... I.... You're not. I don't see you as... "
"Adopted? " I completed for her. "When were you going to tell me? "
She just kept staring at me, tears gathering in her eyes. I shook my head, looking away. The tearworks again. I was so fucking sick of this. All she ever did was cry when we spoke. I wasn't going to let her get away with it this time. "You're going to have to use your words, mother dearest. "
"When we.... " she started, sniffing, "When we were still fresh into the marriage, Tom wanted an heir. We tried everything we could, every possible way, but I couldn't conceive. "
How awkward was this conversation?
She sniffed again, clearing her throat, "He was so angry at me, Andrew. He put the blame squarely on my shoulders. Said I was barren and he had made a mistake marrying me. "
That sounded like him.
"So I.... I got this idea to adopt, but he wouldn't support it. He said if it couldn't be his child, he didn't want it. But I got you anyway. "
"And he wasn't happy. " I added.
She nodded, watching me closely, trying to gauge my reaction. But I wasn't having any. I felt dead inside, like all my reactions buttons were nonexistent. I had received too many shocks today.
"Then what about Chase? How did he... " I faltered, "How did you guys make that work? "
She smiled tiredly, but the love shining in her eyes were unmistakable, "It turned out I could conceive after all. He was my saving grace. "
Her saving grace. And I was the cause of her problems. Everything made sense to me now. It explained why I always felt like an outcast when we were together. It explained why I couldn't connect with them even if I tried. The bridge between me and Chase. My father's unwarranted hatred for me. Mom always wanting to make sure I was present during family gatherings. Why she tried so hard......
Had I somehow subconsciously known that I wasn't one of this people? Was that why I never actually wanted to be with them?
I was adopted.....
I wasn't one of them. All this was a lie. Everything I had ever believed, ever thought I knew, was a lie. Who was I really?
"My parents... " my throat worked to get the words out. "My real parents, I mean. Do you know them? "
I wasn't looking at her, but I could tell she was shifting closer to the edge of her couch, trying to close the distance between us. She was right to be wary. I was in a shitty mood right now.
"Your father never listed his name, and your mother...... She's dead. "
My life was a joke. A big fucking joke. No more, no less. I was nobody.
I couldn't help the small, maniacal laugh that rumbled up my chest. God. Everything was just so... Fucked up.
I was adopted.
My biological father was a no-show.
My biological mother was dead.
My foster parents were the definition of fucked up, with one rutting away in jail.
My foster brother was gay.
My last name wasn't actually Rutledge.
What more could be a lie?
"And to think that Chase had to tell me. " I shook my head, staring into space.
"No, Andrew. I planned that I was going to let you know when you were sixteen, but I guess over time, I started seeing you as mine. I didn't.... I honestly forget sometimes. "
"How can you forget I'm adopted? "
So all those resemblances to Tom I had seen, it had just been me deceiving myself. I actually had nothing in common with the man. We came from world's apart.
My biological mother probably had nothing to her name when I was born, for her to set me up for adoption, and my biological dad wanted nothing to do with me. I was a stray.
"Chase is gay. Did you know that? " I glanced up at her, expecting to see her face contort in shock.
But there was no expression of shock on her face, she just stared at me warily.
I chuckled bitterly, "But you knew that. "
What was I still doing here? I had absolutely no reason to still be here. I had gotten the reason why I came here.
I made my way to the door, exhaustion weighing down on me. I literally had to muster the strength to place one foot in front of the other. Today was the most fucked up day in my entire life, and one I wasn't going to forget.
"Andrew..... " she called dejectedly, brokenly.
And because I still couldn't find it in me to hate her, I turned to her.
"You know, somehow.. " I narrowed my eyes, looking for the exact words I needed, "I'm actually glad that he isn't my real father. It explains why he hated me though, I finally answered that question. "
She stared at me with an expression I couldn't quite place. A mix of different emotions crammed into one look.
"What about me? "
"What about you? "
"Do you regret me being your mother? "
She looked like she was holding her breath. Actually waiting for what my answer would be. Oh, this flawed, misunderstood woman.
I smiled sadly, "For all your flaws and absence, you did try. And I couldn't have asked for more. "
She smiled, a genuine smile that lit up her eyes and made the the tears in them shine.
I pushed the door open, about to step out when she stopped me.
"I love you, Andrew. "
And for the first time in my adult life, I said and actually meant it. "I love you too, mom. "
I didn't turn around because I knew there expression on her face would make me feel uncomfortable. Instead, I stepped out, walking into the cool night air. I swung my keys around my finger, striding slowly towards my car.
There was only one place I wanted to be right now. And I hoped she'd accept me. Because if she didn't, then I had officially lost everything.
KATE.
"He left, Bailey. " I sobbed into her shoulder as she hugged me. "He saw me and he fucking left. "
"I'm sure something must have happened. He couldn't have just left you like that. "
She ran her hand through my hair, consoling me. When I told Bailey I wasn't in a mood to stay at the party any longer, she'd taken one look at my face and grabbed my hand, taking me out of there. I broke down the minute we entered my apartment.
"All I wanted was space. Just space. " tears flowed freely down my cheeks, unstoppable. "I never told him it was over. He must have moved on, Bailey. He must have. "
She pulled away from me, gripping my shoulders, "Do you really believe that? "
I paused. Did I believe it?
"Come on, think about it. You were the one who told me that he flipped and hit Chase when he saw you guys kissing. Does that sound like a man that's over you? "
No, it didn't. But still. "But, what if –"
She shook her head, "What if nothing. Stop assuming. " she studied me closely, "I didn't tell you before, but I met him at the party. He still loves you, Kate. "
Bailey met him at the party? I hoped she was right, though. For my sake. I didn't know what I would do if he told me he didn't love me anymore. That he didn't want me....
"And stop it with your what ifs. They're what put you in this situation in the first place. Stop assuming, Kate. You do it way to much and end up hurting yourself. It's not healthy. "
I nodded. "I'm just hoping he's not over me, Bailey. "
She rolled her eyes, "Of course, he's not. Will you be okay? It's getting late, and if I have to go home, it would be now. Do you want me to sleep over? "
"No, no, no. " I waved her offer away, "I don't want to be an inconvenience to you. "
"You're not an inconvenience. "
"Still. Go home. " I stood up with her, walking her to the door. "Thank you for bringing me home safely. "
She laughed. "Hey, you were a damsel in distress. How could I say no? "
I smacked her lightly on her arm, "Goodnight, Bailey. "
"Night, Kate. " she hugged me before walking down the hallway to the elevator.
I sighed, going back inside my apartment. The small space suddenly felt too big for me alone. I trudged into my bedroom, taking my white gown off as I did.
Tomorrow, I would summon all the courage I could, and go to Drew's. I couldn't live like this anymore. Wanting somebody, craving somebody, when you could have that person. And even if Bailey was right and Drew wasn't over me, the longer I stayed away from him, the more he'd get used to me not being around. And he'd eventually lose all feelings for me.
I couldn't let that happen.
I wiped the make up off my face before changing into shorts and a tank. Maybe if I slept early, tomorrow would come quick. I was anxious and nervous at the same time.
My mind went back to the garden, when I had left Chase and Drew alone. What happened back there? Could it be the reason Drew had stormed off? I had looked for Chase everywhere in the party, but I didn't find him. Did they get into a much bigger argument? I–
My phone started ringing.
I jumped up, grabbing it, and I didn't know why I was expecting to see Drew's name on my screen, I just was. I was sorely dissapointed to see it was Bailey. Nevertheless, I answered it.
"Hey. Did you forget something? "
"Nope. Just called to tell you that I was right after all. " she answered and I could hear the smile in her voice.
"What do you mean? "
"Just saw Drew entering your building. Thought I'd give you a heads up. "
My heart slammed against my rib cage in shock. Drew was coming up here? My breathing escalated in excitement and Bailey must have heard because she chuckled.
"Don't do anything I wouldn't. Which means nothing in –"
My doorbell rang.
Drew was here!
"Okay, Bailey, I got to go. Bye. "
"Oh, cool, cool. You're pushing –"
I hung up on her before she could finish what she was saying. She'd be pissed but she would understand. Drew was here for fuck's sake.
Without bothering to give myself a once over in the mirror, I dashed into my living room, opening the door.
And there he stood, still wearing that tuxedo that made my mouth water. He was giving me that look, that look that I couldn't fathom most of the time. A cross between awe, longing and possessiveness.
It gave me hope. Maybe he wasn't over me after all.
"Hi. " my voice came out all throaty.
"Hi. " he said back, still staring at me.
I moved to the side to let him in, the locked the door when he did.
I placed my back against the door, watching him as he stalked into my apartment. The place that had felt too big just moments ago, now felt seemed to have shrunk in size. All of a sudden, my apartment seemed not to be big enough to fit the both of us. Drew did that whenever he was in a room. He sucked up all the space and oxygen, rendering everyone breathless.
He turned sharply, facing me. He pinned me with those hooded green eyes, watching me carefully. "Am I making you uncomfortable? "
I shook my head, feeling too breathless to speak. I walked towards him, watching how his eyes widened. Had he thought I was going to send him away? Then apparently, he didn't know how much I missed him.
I sat on one of the long sofas, shifting to one edge to make room for him. "Please sit. " I patted the space for him.
He slowly did, looking around. With the way he was behaving, I wondered whether he actually knew where he was.
Since he didn't want to start the conversation, I decided to. "I stopped you at the party. "
He frowned, "When? "
"Outside. I called you, but then you just glanced at me. And left. " I told him softly.
His looked shocked. "I didn't. I probably didn't know it was you. I'm sorry. "
I could hear the honessty in his voice. I knew it was likely he hadn't known it was me, but in my fear, I had chosen to believe something else.
"Where did you go? "
Where did you go? That's what I wanted to ask? I wanted to talk about us! About our relationship. But I was too scared to bring up that conversation.
"I.... " he pressed his eyes with the tips of his fingers, "I had to go see my mom. "
When he didn't say anything else, I said, "Okay... "
He shook his head, dropping it, before glancing back up at me. "I got the most fucked up revelations today, Kate. "
He was opening up. Drew rarely opened up. And now that he was, I didn't want to distract him. So I just kept quiet.
"After I found Chase,... " he waved his hand in the air, "After I found him with you, we talked. We had this conversation where.... "
He stopped again, rubbing a hand over his knee. I had never seen Drew look so conflicted and broken. What happened to him? I wanted him to tell me. I wanted him to trust me. So I gave him the only assurance I could. My words.
"You can talk to me, Drew. You know that. "
He smiled a quick smile that didn't reach his eyes before he looked back down. He stared into space for a long time, before bringing his eyes back to me. And when he did, they were bloodshot red. "I'm adopted, Kate. "
Wait. What?
"What do you mean? " I whispered. He had to be joking right?
"It means that I'm not a Rutledge. " his voice broke on the last word.
Drew was adopted? Woah. I did not see that coming. How true was this though? And did he just find out?
"Why do you think so? "
"Chase told me. "
"How can Chase be so sure? He could be wrong. " I argued, refusing to accept what he was telling me.
"I spoke to my mom. She confirmed the whole thing. "
I shook my head, "No. That's not right. It couldn't –"
"It all makes sense, Kate. It explains why he hates me so much. Why I could never be good enough for him. "
I didn't know if my eyes were playing tricks on him, but I saw tears pool in his eyes. Oh my God. Oh my fucking God.
It was the truth. Now that I actually looked at him, there was no resemblance between the two men. Tom was a vile, wicked man, who didn't care about his family, who didn't care about anyone but himself. Drew was a kind man, who had tried to do all he could to gain the love and recognition of his family.
How had I never noticed?
He must be so devastated right now. My poor baby. I placed a hand on his knee, rubbing gently, and his hand immediately covered mine, as if he had been starving for that little touch.
The next thing I saw, was Drew kneeling on the floor, between my legs, his head on my stomach as he sobbed. I felt my tank going wet with his tears as he cried. An ugly, loud sound escaped from him, like he had been holding everything in for far too long.
It was like an out of body experience for me as I sat on the couch, watching this big man fall apart in my arms. I hugged him, whispering nothings into his ear. I stayed there with him, giving him all my warmth, absorbing some of his pain and taking care of him.
I was grateful that he had thought to come to me. That told me that our situation was salvageable.
We ended up sleeping on the floor, and I didn't complain, no matter how hard the floors were. All that mattered was that I was with him.
Some time later in the night, he carried us into my bedroom. I missed lying in his arms, and it was there I stayed till the morning came.