Chapter 38

DREW.
"What? "
"I'm gay, Drew. " Chase repeated in the same blank tone.
Chase was telling me he was gay? I laughed, assuming he was joking. Because it had to be. It had to be a joke. Chase wasn't gay. I would have known. He would have told me.
But when I looked at him, and saw his face was set in a firm line, I knew he was serious. But Chase couldn't be gay. He was just messing with me.
"You're..... "
He smiled ruefully, "You can say it. It's not a dirty word. "
"I'm sorry. I'm just... " my throat worked, trying to form the word, "You're gay? "
"As gay as they come. " he confirmed. He stepped away from me, going over to sit on a set of high rocks arranged in a neat line on the ground.
I joined him, forcing my muscles to move since they seemed to have knotted. I couldn't get the words out of my head.
Chase was gay.
So that explained why I had never seen him with a girl. But I had....
"What about the girl you dated? I can't remember her name right now, but I know you did. "
He shrugged, "Yeah. So you guys wouldn't suspect something was wrong with me. "
"There is nothing wrong with you. "
"That's what you say. "
He picked up a rock from the ground and threw it into the distance, watching as it landed into a set of bushes.
I still couldn't wrap my head around it. Chase was gay? How had he been able to keep it hidden? But I never really paid much attention to him, did I? But back when we were kids...
"When did you find out you were gay? "
"When I was ten, I guess. "
Wow. That was about fifteen years ago. Chase had kept this to himself all this while. Because he didn't trust me enough to tell me? Because he feared how I'd react? That's when I remembered the kiss. I ignored the fact that he had kissed Kate, and instead, focused on the kiss itself.
"But you kissed Kate. How does that.... Are you bisexual? "
He glanced at me with a small smile on his face, "No. I did that for you. "
And I was honored. He had done something he normally wouldn't for me, when I hadn't even given him a reason to. I had been nothing but hateful and impatient with him. The only good memories we had were from our childhood. And I was angry at myself for letting my father do that to us. For letting him ruin the good thing we could have had. That familial connection.
This conversation was fucked up on so many levels, I couldn't even begin to count. I had just found out, at age twenty-seven, that my twenty-five years old brother was gay, and had known since he was ten. We had been close then. We faced everything together back then. It was us against the world. So why hadn't he told me?
How had he known anyway? How did gays know they were gay? Did they have an experiment to confirm it, or did they try to have an experiment with a girl and see it was a fail? I didn't want to think about Chase experimenting anything on anybody, but I couldn't stop myself from asking though. Colour me curious.
"How did you know you were gay? "
He glanced up at me, pausing in his task of throwing stones, then back at the ground. He looked in the direction of the door we had passed to come here, probably to check if people were still there. I chanced a glance at door and saw that everyone else had left. We were alone out here.
What had Kate meant by 'I know what you did'? Did she mean she knew why he did it? kissed her, I mean. Given how the night was going right now, what were the chances of her giving me another chance? Not even a second chance, I couldn't ask for that anymore. I already fucked up the second chance and this.... This was the third. If she refused me, then I was a dead man guaranteed.
"Back when I was ten... " Chase started, causing me to turn to him, "There was this one time I came down with a cold, and I couldn't go to school for three days. " a small smile pulled at his lips as he tilted his head back, reminiscing, "You remember that? "
I frowned, trying to recall what he just said. Chase and I had always gone to school everyday, I couldn't remember going by myself. It was always us together on that backseat, watching the scenery as the car drove. I didn't think I had ever gone to school without him.
But then..... I remember getting prepared for school one day. I'd gone into Chase's room to tell him the driver was waiting for us downstairs, and instead of him being ready, he had been curled up on the bed, with the sheets pulled up and mom feeding him some soup. I remember feeling reluctant to go to school that day, but dad had yelled at me to.
Wow. Chase remembered that. But what did that have to do with anything?
He picked a single stone from the ground, observing it from different angles, and I didn't know what was special about that one stone, but he didn't throw it away. He stretched out his left leg and shoved it into his pocket. He picked another one and threw it into the distance. But he wasn't watching where it landed anymore, his eyes had a distant faraway look that told me he wasn't even conscious of his present right now.
"I remember, Chase. " I told him, hoping he would look at me, but he didn't. He just kept on throwing the stones.
Slowly, he continued, his voice turning hoarse, "It was lonely that first day without you in the house with me. I guess I had gotten used to it being just the both of us or no one else. At least before dad took me on vacations though. " he paused, "I'm sorry. "
"Continue anyway. " I snapped impatiently. I wanted to see where he was going with this.
He blew out a breath, then paused his stone throwing, and instead, raised his head to look at the sky. "I was sitting by my window, watching the cars coming into the house, and waiting for the one you were in. Eventually, yours finally came in. You stepped out from the car, marching towards the front door. I remember you were holding your bag in your hand, not like every other kid I knew, and you had this 'don't fuck with me' expression on your face. " he paused, turning to me and he smiled when he did.
"What? " I asked gruffly.
"You have it now. "
I dragged my hand down my face as if it would rob it of expression, but I was impatient. I wanted to hear the whole story. And he was distracting me, prolonging it.
"Just fucking talk, Chase. "
He stared at me a while then looked away, before continuing, "In that moment, I thought to myself, that I wanted your heart. "
I froze. My whole body froze entirely. What had Chase just said?
I wanted your heart....
What did he mean? Was I.... He wanted my heart? Chase had known that he was gay at the age of ten through...... Me? What in the ever loving fuck?
My mind struggled, trying to comprehend what he just told me, but I couldn't. I was at a loss. The whole thing didn't make sense.
I opened my mouth, but I couldn't find my voice to say something, so I closed it again. And I just kept opening and closing my mouth like a fish gulping for water.
How could Chase have loved me? Me!? Of all the people on this earth, he chose to love his brother? That was so fucked up and so morally wrong. I couldn't think of it. Didn't want to think of it.
I turned my head to look at him, really look, if he was serious about this or if it was all a big fat joke. He met my gaze unflinchingly, without even blinking his eyes. His eyes..... I found myself studying them. Studying those brown orbs that always seemed to know and see too much all the damn time. And I saw an emotion that lurked in the depths. An emotion I had always seen, but hadn't been able to name because I, too, hadn't felt it before.
Love. Chase loved me. Even till now.
It was like a punch to the guy. A slam of reality in the face.
I must be the most oblivious man on planet earth for me not to know that my brother, who I had lived with from the day I was born, till today, was in love with me. How oblivious was I. Really?
I opened my mouth, desperate to voice of my thoughts. "But if you....... " I stopped, unable to say the word. But I tried again, no matter how fucked up it sounded. "If you love.... Me and want me to yourself. Why would you even want to help me with Kate? "
He got up, walking away from me. He ran his hand through his hair, sending the strands into dissaray. "Because I'm a goddamned fool. Because I care more about your happiness than I care about mine. "
But wasn't that the thing about love though? You do everything in your power to make that person happy? Even if it meant letting them go?
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Mother of all fucks. Chase was in love with me.
I felt bad for the way I had treated him. It hadn't been fair. I couldn't imagine what it must have been for him, loving someone and having that person treat you like shit, and on top of that, love someone else.
But there was nothing to be done about it, though, was there? I was straight to a T, desperately, hopelessly, in love with Kate Rossi. And even more, Chase was my brother. How did the while thing sit well with him?
I dragged my hand down my face. I was so exhausted, so fucking drained. "But Chase, you're my brother. How can you........? " I left the statement hanging.
He glanced at me sharply, "Oh. Fuck.... No. That's... " he shook his head, looking pained all of a sudden.
I sighed from the depths of my soul and stood up, that simple task feeling almost impossible, "I'm really sorry for how I've treated you in the past, Chase. And for making you feel like you couldn't tell me the truth about who you are. But what I can't understand is how you could have.... " I struggled with the words, "How it could have been me. We're bro–"
But I didn't finish because Chase cut me off.
"You're adopted. "
KATE.
Chase kissed me.
The crazy man fucking kissed me to get a reaction from his brother. I knew he was just trying to help, but damn, kissing me was taking it too far.
I hurried towards the door, intent on distracting the few people who were gathered there, watching the interaction take place.
I plastered on a fake smile on my face, that I was sure made me look like the joker, "Nothing to see here. Let's go back inside, shall we? "
Some shrugged and walked back inside, others stared at me warily, like I was a lunatic. Nevertheless, I was undeterred. Drew and Chase were literally celebrities, and I didn't want this people butting in on their business. Plus, it was my fault they were currently having this issue anyway.
The stubborn audience finally, reluctantly, dragged their feet back inside. How bored were they, really?
I made my way back into the main hall, heading to the bathroom to freshen up, only to find another presence in there. Bailey.
"What are you doing here? " I asked before my brain could even process the words. Smart, Kate. What else would she be doing in the bathroom?
"What are you doing here? " she eyed me like I had two heads, drying her hand on a napkin.
"Okay, that was a stupid thing to ask. Ignore that. "
I walked past her into the one of the the toilets. I absolutely hated using public toilets, even though this one might be more sanitary considering it was a Rutledge Tower hall. But still, I was tense. I made sure not to sit on it as I did my business and flushed.
I paused when I came back out and saw she was still there. It could easily be that she was just waiting for me so we could leave together. But with all due respect to Bailey, my best friend was a bitch and there was no way she was 'just' waiting for me.
She watched me silently as I grabbed a rag, drying my hand. Did she know how creepy she looked standing there, just watching me like that? Probably not.
Just when I was about to ask her what she wanted, she spoke.
"You know I love you, right? "
I frowned, taken off guard by the direction she had gone. This wasn't what I was expecting at all. And I found myself dreading whatever she was about to say because she only starts off a conversation like this whenever she wanted to give me something straight. Even though it hurt my feelings.
I loved how direct she was with me, but, hey, my feelings were going to get hurt so there's that.
"Yeah. "
She crossed her arms, leaning against the sink. "And you know how I respect your decisions and don't make you do things you don't want to do. "
I blinked. "No, I don't know that at all. "
If there was one thing Bailey wasn't, it was subtle. She wanted something, she'd go for it. She wasn't one to beat about the bush. So why was she talking in circles now?
She laughed, her eyes lighting up as she did. "Okay. Okay. " she waved her hand, "Maybe I make you do things you don't want to. Sometimes. But you know I give you your space. "
I nodded.
"Kate, I've been watching you for the past few weeks and that's what I've been doing. " she pushed off the sink, taking several steps towards me, "You're not who you used to be anymore, Kate. You're like a shadow of the girl I used to know. The party girl. The funny girl. " she looked me up and down, her eyes going somber, "I don't see that anymore, Kate. I don't know who you are anymore. "
That knocked the breath out of me. Not because I was hurt at what she said, but because I knew she was telling the truth. I wasn't the girl I was anymore. Even I didn't recognize myself.
Every day, I found myself staring at the mirror, trying to define myself, recognise the person I was. But I always found myself staring back at a stranger. A stranger with bags under her eyes, dull, uninteresting eyes, and a weak spirit.
That wasn't the real me. That was the person I had let myself become because I was too scared to be who I actually wanted to be. Drew's.
"And I'm not saying this to hurt you –"
"I know. " I nodded.
She closed the remaining distance between us, cupping my cheeks with her hands.
"You're not happy, and you know you're not. Don't even bother lying to yourself because you can't lie to me. It's obvious to everyone who knows you. " she paused, "Who knew you. " she continued, "I was going to let you do this on your own terms but you're being too slow about it and at this rate, no one's going to be getting what they want. "
I frowned. "No one? "
"Yes, Kate. Your actions affect more than just you and Drew. You're sad, I'm sad. Don't you know that? "
"Well, I –"
"Shhhh" she shushed me by placing a finger on my lips, "You know you want him. Why don't you just go to him? "
"Bailey, come on. You know it's not that easy. " I sighed.
She glanced back and forth between my eyeballs, as if she was trying to see something there. "I already know the answer to this but, do you love him? "
"Of course I do. "
"Then go to him. Tell him you love him. And show it to him. "
"But....."
"Just go to him, Kate. He's scared. And some reaffirmation from you is all he needs right now. "
I thought about what she was asking me to do. It all sounded so easy. Too easy. But it was actually harder than it sounded.
I had known that loving Drew was going to be a tough job, hadn't I? So why was I backing off now?
I had to do this. For my happiness. And for the man I loved.
I nodded even before I opened my mouth. "Okay. Bailey, I'm going to go get my man. "
"Yes, that's the spirit. " she gave my cheek a light slap before shoving me slightly towards the door. "Now go put some actions to those words. "
I tugged the door open, about to leave out, but then I stopped, glancing back at Bailey. "Thank you. "
"Friends don't thank each other. " she murmured, but I could see the unspoken words in her smile. You're welcome.
I hugged her before walking back out, with a renewed determination to go to Drew and mend things with him.
I made my way out into the garden, since that's where I had last seen him, but he wasn't there. Neither was Chase.
I frowned, walking back inside. I searched through the crowd, looking for signs of his jet black hair. Drew was impossible to miss with his height and body, so if he indeed was here, I'd see him.
I walked outside and finally, there he was. He had his back to me, walking briskly towards a car, I assumed to be his. He was leaving.
"Drew. " I called.
I couldn't let him leave without speaking to him first. He needed to know that we were okay. That I wanted us back together.
He turned to me and I froze. He was looking at me, but at the same time, he wasn't. His eyes were dead and it was like he was looking past me. He stared at me for exactly five seconds before turning away and entering into the backseat of his car.
I stood motionless on the front steps of the hall, watching as Drew drove off, without sparing me another glance.
He didn't even stop to listen to what I had to say. Had he eventually grown tired of the wait and figured I wasn't worth it?
My chest constricted under the weight of my fears and it became almost impossible to breathe. My hands trembled as I clutched my throat, gasping for air.
Was I too late?