Chapter 37

KATE.
I snagged a drink off the tray of a passing waiter and took a sip as I watched the throng of people milling around.
"To hoe or not to hoe tonight? "
"You're going to hoe even though I say not to. So what's the point? "
"At least that way, I can blame you if he's not a good lay. "
"I'm not going to advise you to hoe, Bailey. " I sighed, glaring at her, "You're staying by my side tonight. You're my arm candy, remember? "
"Right. Whatever. Doesn't mean I can't have fun though. " she murmured, taking a huge sip from her drink.
We were currently at the RT's Christmas party, and everyone came with a plus one. Since I couldn't come with Drew, Bailey was my next option, of course.
The whole place was decorated with green, white, blue and red, with some other colours thrown in there too. Soft music blasted from the speakers and there were several people dancing. Drinks flowed freely, much too freely, I could tell from the way couples grinded on each other, without caring whether people were watching.
Seeing all those couples, some huddled together as if they couldn't leave each other even though their life depended on it, and the ones currently dancing on the dance floor, created a gaping hole in my chest. I envied them, envied the easy mechanism with which they worked.
Why couldn't Drew and I just be like them? Have the easy, perfect life? Just enjoy each other without worrying. Why, oh why, must there be trouble? Something dark to mess up the light had?
Why did our relationship have to be so fucked up?
I briefly wondered if Drew would bring a date, but I squashed that thought immediately. He wouldn't do that to me.
But, wouldn't he?
I hadn't called nor met him since I asked for that break –which was over a month now. He could easily take that to mean I had broken up with him.
No, he loves me.
What if he had gotten over me? After all he had stopped sending me messages and calling me a long time ago. He was a guy for God's sake, he had needs. I couldn't blame him if he got tired of waiting for me to come around and eventually got some other girl to fulfill his needs.
I missed him so much. Wanted him so badly. But I couldn't find the courage to go back to him. I was too scared. Scared that he was still holding on to some secrets, scared that had too much of a hold over me. What if he got bored of me eventually? How on earth was I going to be able to move on?
I was completely, wholly in love with him, there was no denying that. What if he didn't actually love me back? A huge part of me felt that he had only said what he said in the heat of the moment. What if I'd been deceiving myself all along?
"Get out of your head, Kate. " Bailey pinched me on my arm. Not hard enough to leave a mark, but hard enough to cause pain.
"Ow. " I rubbed on the spot, willing the pain to go away. "What was that for? "
"You're supposed to be having fun. " she narrowed her eyes at me.
"I am having fun. " I argued.
"No, you're not. You're distracted. "
"I'm perfectly aware of everything that's happening. " I shot back.
"That's not what I mean, smart-ass, and you know it. You're not as nosy as you used to be. "
I gasped, "What's that supposed to mean? "
"It means you've been absent. Very much so, that you didn't ask me what happened when Arash dropped me off that night. "
"Oh. "
"Yeah. Oh. " she mimicked.
I rolled my eyes, "You would have told me if you wanted to anyway. But I'm curious now. What happened? "
"He..... " she trailed off, her eyes leaving my face to focus on a spot over my shoulder. "Kate, don't look, but your man just stormed in looking hot as hell. "
My heart stopped beating altogether for a second, before starting back up, beating out of tempo in my chest. Oh God, how I had missed him. I wanted to see him, drink him in.
"Did he bring a date? " I surprised myself by asking Bailey. She had just told me that Drew was here, and that was the first thing I had thought of asking.
Her lips pursed, "He definitely did. "
A sharp pain shot through my chest, and it suddenly became too hard to breathe. He brought a date.... But I had expected it anyway, hadn't I? I wanted to turn and look at him, but I couldn't. How would I react to him coming here with some other girl? I wouldn't be able to control my jealousy, I knew that for a fact.
How could he throw away the good thing we had within just a month? Had he not loved me after all? How ever –
"And he's an amazing specimen of a man. "
Wait. What?
"Not as sexy as your Drew though, but he comes close. " she continued, wiggling her brows, "Who knows? I might hoe tonight... " she trailed off, her eyes taking on a hazy look, no doubt from checking out Drew's 'date'.
"His date is a guy? " I whispered, like he could hear us, even though he was probably all the way across on the other side of the room.
"Yeah. What did you –" her eyes flew to mine, "You thought I meant a girl. "
"Yes! " my racing heart slowed gradually, returning to it's normal pace.
Drew hadn't brought a girl. He came alone. He wasn't over me. He wasn't over me.....
"Aw, Kate, he wouldn't do that to you. You know he still loves you. "
"Do I, though? " I murmured.
I felt the familiar feeling of the hairs at the back of my neck prickling. Drew had to be looking at me, I knew it. I only got that feeling when he had his eyes on me.
The urge to turn around and feast my eyes was overwhelming and undeniable. I turned around slowly, my heart rate accelerating as I did. So many thoughts raced through my mind as I turned.
How would he look? Would he look at me with longing or disgust? Would he still find me attractive, or would he have gotten bored?
My eyes fell on him, and I couldn't give name to the array of emotions that took hold of me in that little moment that felt like forever.
Those green eyes, like the fresh leaves in spring were fixed on me, causing electricity to course through me from that one look. His hair was deliciously disheveled in that sexy way it always was, like his hands had been in it all night. He was wearing a jet black tuxedo, that matched the colour of his hair.
He looked sexy as hell and I found myself fighting back the urge to run into his arms. I missed him so much. To an extent it was painful to think about him, or hear his name being called.
His eyes roved over my body like a starving man, and I felt myself burning up under his gaze. God. How could the man turn me into a droopy mess in just a minute? He turned my insides into liquid goo and my outside, transparent.
I couldn't maintain his scorching gaze anymore, so I turned away, looking at something much more safer, colleagues conversing.
"I'm pretty sure everyone in the room felt that heat. " Bailey murmured, staring at me strangely.
Some time later, Chase found his way over to my side. At first, I had been hopeful, thinking he had been sent over by Drew to tell me something, at least. But I found out, rather dissapointedly, that he had only wanted to check up on me. Right.
And I was dissapointed why? It wasn't like Drew to put his personal business out there.
We made our way into the garden outside, at the backyard of the building. It was a very peaceful place, good for thinking and introspecting. I fell in love with the place instantly.
Several trees adorned the sides, with a single stone pathway at the middle, that took you even farther into the garden.
"You still haven't spoken to Drew. " he said, all of a sudden.
I had told him about the rift I was having with his brother, but hadn't given him the real information. And he had seen how miserable I was, so he kept pressuring me to speak to him. Although I hadn't.
"It's not that easy, Chase. "
"Really? " he leveled his brown eyes on me, "You love him. He loves you. Why does it have to be so hard? "
I blanched, "Love? Did he tell –"
"I'm not blind. " he cut in sharply.
"I don't know, Chase. " my shoulders sagged with the weight of my sadness, "What if I get my hopes up only to have them brought low again? You know how Drew is. What if he doesn't love me anymore? " I voiced the hardest question.
We were standing opposite each other now, but Chase wasn't looking at me anymore. He had his eyes behind me and I wondered if someone was there.
"Chase? " I called.
He glanced at me, his brown eyes turning calculating. They flitted back to whatever it was he was looking at behind me, then came back to land on me.
I turned my head to see what he was looking at, but I was stopped by strong palms gripping the back of my head, pinning me in place.
"I want to help you. " he murmured.
"What do you –"
I froze in shock, unable to move because Chase Rutledge was kissing me.
DREW.
Mustering all the strength I could and coming to the Christmas party to face Kate again, proved more difficult thatln I thought it would be.
She was the first person I looked for when I came in, and as if she knew I was there, she turned around and met my eyes. There had been no one else in the room at that moment, just me and her. And it had been almost impossible not to go to her and take her in my arms.
But then she had looked away from me, and I had felt fear. The space she had asked for had extended to a month. Was this just a way of breaking up with me and not being direct with it?
My disappointment and pain must have shown on my face, because Chase clapped me on the back, directing me to the bar where I wilfully polished off two bottles of alcohol. Apparently, I was going to need that if I wanted to keep sane tonight.
"Why are you doing this to yourself? " Chase asked from his position on the stool beside mine.
I glared at him, transferring all my anger on to him since I had no one else tongue angry at. "I'm not fucking doing anything. This is all her, how many times am I going to have to tell you that? " I snapped.
"I get that part. What I don't understand is why you are letting her do this to the both of you. "
"I'm not let–" I paused, running my hand through my hair. Chase couldn't understand. He just couldn't. How didn't know the past we had, didn't know how it affected our lives now. "Look, Chase, just let this go. You can't possibly understand. "
He studied me closely, leaving me squirming for a few minutes, before he shrugged, jumping down from his seat.
"Well, since you're too much of a pussy to do it, I'll go check up on your girl. "
He walked away before I could even stop him. But did I want to stop him though? I hadn't spoken to her for over a month. I didn't know how she was doing. And I was worried crazy. If the only way I was going to be able to get any information about her was through Chase, then so be it.
My eyes followed him as he walked through the throng of people, mixing into the crowd, and I wouldn't have been able to identify him anymore if not for sheer desperation itself.
I saw how her eyes shone brighter when she saw him. Her normally breathtaking face transformed into devastating as her lips stretched in a smile. My heart ached profoundly in my chest. I wanted to be the one to put that smile on her face. I missed putting that smile on her face. And it was all my fault that I didn't anymore. Couldn't.
My forehead beaded with perspiration and sweat dotted on my upper lip. My hands shook on the bar top. It felt like I was going through withdrawal.
I got up, walking out, I needed space to think. I felt like I was being suffocated, there was not enough air for me to breathe and it felt like the whole room was closing in on me.
I pushed my way through the crowd, making my way outside, only to get stopped by a fiery blond thing. Bailey.
"Hey, there. "
"Bailey. "
I watched her warily. I couldn't ever get a read on this girl. One minute she was smiling and the next she was throwing threats at me. Who knows? She might just be here to throw more threats at me, seeing as I was the cause for our fight.
My shoulders locked with tension. Did Bailey know why we were currently having our issues? Had Kate told her? Oh my God, how was I ever going to be able to have a normal conversation with her knowing she knew the deepest, darkest, thing about my life?
She took a sip from her drink, eyeing me, "So when are you going to get your head out of your ass and mend things with her? "
My eyes darted around, unable to meet hers, "Did she tell you why she asked for space? "
"Yeah, that she was pissed at you for keeping things from her. Next time, you might want to tell a girl you know her parents, rather than act like she's a complete stranger. "
My shoulders sagged with relief. Kate hadn't told her everything after all. I wanted to tell her to mind her own business, but at the same time, I didn't. Kate was her best friend, right? Perhaps, if she could see how genuinely sorry I was, then she could advise Kate to take pity on me.
"She doesn't know how sorry I am, Bailey. I just want to make things right. " I paused, "If she would just let me. "
"I have an advise for you. " she leaned closer, waving me over, "Just do it. "
I drew my head back. Was that all she had to say? "What the fuck? "
She smiled mischievously, raising her glass to her lips to drink. She looked to her right and her eyes widened.
"There's your chance. "
I followed her eyes and saw Kate and Chase walking out through the back door, that led to the garden.
Without waiting for Bailey to speak again, I hurried after them. Would she let listen to me? I had to try though, didn't I?
I paused just outside the door, watching them as they walked on the stone pathway. The garden was.... Magical. I had never actually been here before, I'd always sticked to the hall.
I followed slowly behind them, not too close, but close enough for them to know I was here. But they didn't acknowledge my presence.
They conversed quietly, so quiet that I couldn't hear what they were saying. They stopped all of a sudden, the both of them facing each other. In this position, Kate had her back to me and Chase could very well see me.
He raised his head, seeing me, but he didn't react. He turned back to Kate, saying something to her and I wondered what.
The next thing that happened shocked the living daylights out of me. I watched in slow motion as Chase gripped the back of Kate's head, pulling her closer as he........ kissed her.
I blinked, trying to clear my vision just in case my eyes were playing tricks on me. But they weren't! Chase, my brother, Chase, was kissing the woman I fucking loved. And she wasn't even pulling away.
My whole vision clouded red and with a maddening bellow, I launched at him, grabbing him by the back of his shirt and flinging him away.
Kate let out a scream as he landed on the ground, and I advanced on him again, ready to beat him to a fucking pulp for even dating to put his hands on her. He knew how I felt about her. He had been asking me to mend things with her just thirty minutes ago for fuck's sake. What the hell was happening?
I paused, glaring at him through slitted eyes. The whole thing didn't make sense to me. Why would he kiss her? He hadn't even shown any interest in her whatsoever. Why didn't the whole thing add up?
"Jesus Christ. " Kate yelled, "What the hell is wrong with you, Drew? "
Oh, now she was talking to me.
"You tell me. He kissed you. " I snapped back.
"And I am just as shocked as you are. " she narrowed her eyes at Chase on the ground, "I know what you did. " then back at me, "The both of you need to cool off before you come back in. People are watching. "
I looked behind her, just now noticing that few people had flocked out, watching the exchange.
I ran my hands through my hair, looking away. Hell. I hadn't even thought the whole thing through before I attacked him. All I had seen was red.
I walked over to him, fighting the adrenaline that still coursed through my body, and extended my hand to him. He grabbed it, effortlessly lifting himself off the ground.
He dusted the dirt off his body, watching me carefully as he did.
"Why did you kiss her? "
"Because I want to help you. "
I didn't dwell on the help part, instead I asked the question that would make or break our relationship.
"Not because you have feelings for her? "
He scoffed, "I couldn't have feelings for her. Or any woman for that matter. " he muttered the last part.
Was there a woman he loved already? "What do you mean? "
He met my gaze head on, "It means, Drew, that I'm gay. "