Chapter 22

Chapter Nineteen
Afraid Of The Possibility
I leaned against my locker, continuously tapping my door anxiously as I waited for Noah who said he'd meet me here after class. I stared at the ground to avoid looking up and see people who were still staring at me from the incident yesterday.
"Hey," I looked up to see Noah. "Ready to hit the books?"
I nodded quietly as the two of us made our way to the school library.
We got into the math basically right away. There were only a few other kids in the library but by 7 pm it had completely cleared out, the librarian not even in sight.
The janitor ended up kicking us out shortly after that because the school library was closed so we ended up sitting in the dimly sit hallway, our backs leaned against lockers with our books and papers scattered in front of us on the floor.
It had been over four hours at this point.
We had done nothing but work on math as Noah continued explaining more things that I couldn't understand. By the time he finished helping me, I knew basically everything I needed to know. He was somehow more help than the actual teacher was.
It was awkward at first but that died down ten minutes into the tutoring because we forgot about everything else and decided to focus on the school work. That was easier than making small talk about anything else.
I could tell there were a few times over the four hours where Noah wanted to say something - not math related, but he refrained himself and didn't.
I admit I wanted to just say "hey, let's go back to normal" but didn't because this was my doing and I knew why I had decided to do this in the first place and still stood by those reasons even if part of me wanted to forget about it and be selfish.
I exhaled a deep breath, grinning as I shut the textbook. He explained the whole entire unit and I actually understood what we were doing.
"It's amazing. I mean, when none of the math makes sense to you and then you finally grasp it and understand, actually make sense of it - it's amazing." My eyes were lit up in satisfaction and glee, glad that I was no longer feeling like a lost idiot who might fail the course.
Noah smiled lightly as he started closing his books up as well, seeing as we were done the tutoring for the day. "Easy peasy once it's explained according to how you will best understand it."
I looked at Noah as I zipped up my backpack, "Hey, thanks again for this. You don't have to help me but you are so thank you."
He smiled but it didn't reach his eyes, "No worries, I don't mind." Our gazes stayed locked for another moment, Noah hesitating about whether he should say whatever it was that was on his tongue until he decided against it and looked away.
Noah stood up and swung his bag over his shoulders before holding a hand out to me which I gratefully took as he helped me up.
We walked down the hallway in silence, both of us mentally debating on if we should say something to each other.
Neither one of us did.
We walked out of the school and got to the parking lot, walking side by side in silence until we were standing in the middle of the parking lot, both about to go opposite ways to head to our own cars.
We turned to look at each other.
"Thanks... again," I mumbled, shifting uncomfortably on my feet.
Noah nodded.
"Okay," I nodded curtly when he didn't bother to say anything. "I guess I will see you Monday."
He nodded again, a tight-lipped smile on his face that was anything but genuine or heartfelt.
I looked at him for a moment longer before spinning on my heels and turning to head to my car.
Well, he didn't look like he wanted to talk to me which was okay because I put him in that position.
I know I could say something but I had a plan that I was sticking with so I wasn't going to have another mental debate on what to do.
I had taken about three steps when Noah's voice caused me to stop walking, "Tiffany, wait." he sighed in an exhausted manner like he was tired of putting on a facade and holding a cold and emotionless exterior for me to look at.
I slowly turned around. Oh no.
I was glad that he was going to talk to me because I missed that.
I was also worried, though. I was worried because he may just say something that will make me forgot about and completely throw away the plan - the distance plan, we're friends but can't really be real friends plan.
Noah reluctantly walked closer to me and took my hands in his as he looked at me with a broken expression. He looked drained out and tired and... almost sad.
"What is it?" I asked softly, my voice not coming out as strong and loud as I would have liked it too. I knew he could see the worried look on my face but I couldn't hide it.
I didn't like seeing him like this - all upset and hurt, that was what I was avoiding.
Sure, he's not hurt as badly as it could be if we got more attached and got close but it was still pain caused by me.
"You said we're okay when I asked you the other day... but we're not, are we?" His voice was soft and fragile, no longer cold and distant like it had been the last couple of times we had talked.
"What are you talking about?" My voice was hardly above a whisper. I felt guilty and like a complete ass. I didn't think he would be this affected but it was shown all over his face that he was indeed upset by how I've been acting towards him. "Of course we're fine, Noah. Why wouldn't we be?" I was lying but... how was I supposed to tell him that I was trying to put a big and indestructible barrier between us? That would hurt him even more and I didn't want that, at all.
Noah looked at me blandly, not buying whatever bullshit I was saying anymore. "Don't give me that crap, Tiff. I know we aren't fine." He paused, "What I don't understand is why not. All week, you've barely looked at me, you're avoiding even being near me if it's not necessary and then when you do talk to me, you're acting all fake like you're doing me a favour by talking to me." I think my heart cracked just a little bit when pulled his hands out of mine and took a step back.
"Noah-"
He didn't let me speak. He shook his head and continued talking, all of his emotions being let out, "Is this because we almost kissed that night in your room? Because guess what! We didn't kiss, it didn't happen and we can forget it ever did because an almost kiss doesn't have to mean anything since - oh, yeah, it didn't happen." Now Noah looked agitated and annoyed at me and at the whole situation itself. "If you just... if you just don't want to be my friend or if I piss you off or you're mad at me for something or I'm annoying or whatever it is - just tell me instead of acting fake with the smiles and saying hey every morning in your talk-show host voice like we're old pals who catch up every once in a while saying hey, hello, how are you because that is not us, Tiffany."
"Noah," I exhaled when he had stopped talking. I looked at him with my eyes widened a bit, taken aback. I had no idea he was feeling this way. I didn't think he would care at all that I suddenly was acting like I forgot I even knew him. "I said we're okay, I just-"
"But we're not." He cut me off again, his voice firm and again distant. He was mad at me and he had every right to be. He crossed his arms over his chest, "I know we haven't been 'okay' because first of all, you're calling me Noah and not Ace."
My eyes widened a lot this time. My heart felt like it was swelling up.
Noah paid attention to minor details that I would have never expected him to catch onto. Not because he wasn't smart because he was insanely smart, but because I just did not think he cared this much or would ever be this affected. He hadn't even known each other for a long time.
I shut my eyes and slowly exhaled a deep breath. What have I done?
"Just-" Noah's voice cracked and suddenly, he went less annoyed and mad and now, hurt and utter confusion seeping through his voice. "What happened, Tiffany? I mean I just... I don't understand. We're fine one day and the next you're this whole other person who has forgotten that we know each other." His voice was soft and quiet.
I ran a hand down my face. I was such a bitch.
I did this to prevent hurting him and look at me, already having hurt him and not even realizing it.
I dropped my bag off my shoulders onto the ground of the parking lot.
Without thinking, I let my legs go weak and bend as I slowly sat down here in the middle of the parking lot, half of my butt on my bag as I brought my knees up to my chest and hugged them.
I looked at the pavement in front of me. "I'm sorry."
Noah mimicked my actions and sat down on the ground beside me, also bringing his knees to his chest and resting his head on my shoulder.
We looked like idiots, sitting in the middle of an empty parking lot (with the exception of our two cars) in front of a high school, the night sky dark and the only light being the one dorm street lights and the school sign since the lights inside the school were mostly shut off by now.
"But why?" His voice wasn't much above a whisper.
I sighed, "Would you hate me even more if I said I don't know?"
Noah shook his head lightly, still having it leaned on my shoulder, "I would never hate you, Tiff."
His words made me feel even worse. He didn't hate me and he wasn't mad - at least not as mad as he should be.
"I just... I didn't want to hurt you - in the long run I mean. It sounds so pathetic but I thought putting distance between the two of us would prevent you getting hurt - ever, in the future, whenever." I laughed dryly before continuing, "Ironic, isn't it? I hurt you while doing something to prevent hurting you."
Noah lifted his head off my shoulder and looked at me. Unknown emotions swirling through his eyes. He was looking at me with a straight face but his features were soft. I couldn't figure out what he was thinking.
"You didn't want to hurt me?" He asked quietly, "that's why you distanced yourself? Tiffany, you're not going to hurt me. You can't... well you can't choose to throw away our friendship because you're afraid of the possibility that you may one day hurt me. I mean hypothetically even if you did, I don't think I'd ever blame you because it wouldn't be intentional."
I sighed slowly, moving my legs so they were crossed in my lap. I straightened my back and turned so I was facing him as I studied him while he was looking at me intently as he connected the dots in his head, my actions making a little more sense now.
"Ace, if you haven't noticed, I don't quite let people in. I have friends, sure, but nobody who completely understands me and every minor thing about me. It's not the possibility of maybe unintentionally hurting you, it's because I've had enough bad luck to not trust myself. It wouldn't be fair to you if I just act like I'm perfect and won't-"
"You won't," Noah said firmly, his eyes holding a solid look that told me I wouldn't be able to change his mind. Noah crossed his legs in his lap and sat up straighter, "Sorry, sunshine but I don't see it the way you do and I disagree with this bad luck bullshit that you believe. You may have had some bad things happen to you, Tiff - I don't know what they are and I'm not telling you to tell me either but we all have bad things happen to us. That doesn't mean we shield ourselves and the people around us our whole lives. Some bad things don't decide whether our destiny will continue to forever be good or bad. If you don't trust yourself or your life to be fair to me, I don't care because I trust you."
Noah once again took my hands in his. He rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb as he spoke. Everything he said, he said with such conviction and genuineness that I didn't know how to stop my heart from melting.
He believed in me in a way I don't think anyone ever would.
"But what about-"
"Look," he cut me off again. "If you did all of this just because you were scared I would one day possibly, somehow, maybe get hurt, there's no way you can convince me you'll hurt me. Intention or unintentionally, someone who does this much because they simply fear to do something wrong by mistake - they'd never do that thing."
I looked at him with every inch of me pulling myself towards him like we were two magnets.
Before I knew it, I wrapped my arms around him and buried my face into the crook of his neck.
My whole body felt warmth as I felt it radiate off his body onto mine. I just wanted to sit here and hug him for hours and hours and hours.
I felt his body rumble with a chuckle under mine as he wrapped his arms around me, tightly like he was afraid to let go.
Noah pulled me closer so I was now sitting on his lap, my legs wrapped around his torso as I straddled him.
"We're okay," Noah exhaled.