Chapter 47

Chapter Forty-Five
I've Messed Up
Noah
I had to use my phone's flashlight to guide me through the forest since it was late and dark out.
When I got to the opening and walked out to where the dock was, right away I noticed Tiffany. She was sitting with her legs crossed in her lap, staring out at the water.
I exhaled a deep breath to keep my posture and calm before slowly walking up the dock and going to the end where Tiffany sat.
The only light was from the moon along with a lamppost that was on the far left away from the dock so there wasn't much light out but enough to see the bare minimum you'd need to see.
"Everyone's looking for you, you know?" I said when I was standing a few feet behind her.
I saw Tiffany's body tense when she heard and recognized my voice. Her body then relaxed and she stayed silent, ignoring me.
My hands were starting to feel sweaty and clammy from the nervousness I felt. I took a seat beside her on the dock when she chose to not say anything to me.
When I sat down, the smell hit me.
The smell of alcohol.
I looked at Tiffany to see a bottle of vodka in her lap, most of it empty. She was drunk.
Tiffany was against drinking and drugs and partying. She hated it and avoided it at all costs and now she was drunk here which was a first. I didn't know how to react to that but all I could think was that this must be bad if she was finally resorting to drinking.
She didn't look at me for a moment. She sat there still and silent, acting like she didn't even know I was sitting right beside her. The coldness coming from her was well-deserved but still hurt.
"What are you here, Noah?" She finally broke the silence, her voice hoarse. She wasn't looking at me as she spoke. Her voice was cold and distant, words slurring together slightly from the alcohol.
I swallowed a lump in my throat, terrified I would say the wrong thing. "I wanted to make sure you're okay."
Tiffany scoffed, "I don't need you or your concern." Her words rung bells in my head, reminding me of the first day we met. I was mesmerized by her as soon as I laid my eyes on her in that cereal aisle.
"Tiffany..." I said softly, frowning.
Tiffany licked her lips before bringing the bottle up to her mouth and taking a small swig. She licked her lips once again, "Go away, Noah." Voice was cold and detached like I had grown used to hearing from her.
"No," I responded firmly. All I wanted to do was wrap my arms around her and hug her tight.
"Noah, just leave. I don't need you here." She said again, her voice even more cold and hard than it was before. She still wouldn't look at me which hurt.
"I'm not leaving. You should stop drinking though," I said firmly, hoping she would get the hint and chose to stop drinking. I had never been this worried for her before.
"Don't tell me what to do." She grumbled. "You're not my father."
I nodded slowly, "I know. I'm just looking out for you, Tiff." I thought it was better to try my best to remain calm and collected although there were many things I could lecture her with right now.
She didn't respond to me for a few minutes after that. Tiffany stared at the water with a blank look on her face, "Why'd you really come here?"
"Everyone is worried about you," I told her softly.
"I mean why did you come here?" She repeated, speaking slower as she glanced at me for the first time. Her eyes had bags under them and even in the dim light, I could see they were bloodshot from crying.
She looked so worn down and broken which was a first because Tiffany always had her guard up and made herself impossible to read.
It killed me seeing her like this. I wanted to see her smile or laugh right now, more than anything.
"Because I care about you." I responded firmly, my features soft and sad as I looked at her.
Tiffany scoffed and looked away from me. Once again, she took a sip from the bottle before muttering, "I recall you telling me to leave because you didn't want me there."
Judging from how she didn't cringe when taking the sip, I could tell she definitely has drank multiple times before. That confused me all the more because she hated drinking in general.
I wanted to grab the bottle from her and stop her from drinking more than she had but I was scared of how she would react if I did do that.
I clenched my jaw, angry at myself for how I acted when she last tried to talk to me.
I was dealing with a lot and couldn't handle my feelings for Tiffany. It felt like it would be easier to tell her to go away but I was wrong, the past weeks without her had been brutal and very difficult.
I had never been affected like this by a girl before so this was all new to me too. I had stupid flings and short relationships that were stupid.
I never felt this way about a girl before Tiffany.
"I was wrong for yelling at you and regret how I acted that day, Tiffany." I spoke softly, my voice quiet as I looked down at my lap sheepishly. My words were honest but I was afraid she wouldn't listen to them right now.
"Are you okay?" I asked softly when she hadn't said anything. It was a stupid question, I know but I was at loss for how to help right now.
Tiffany grinned a bitter-sweet grin, "Whatever. None of your concern anyways."
"Stop being stubborn, Tiff," I sighed, giving her a dry look. I was becoming impatient even though I didn't have a right to be. All I wanted was for her to talk to me.
I wasn't going to leave even if she was being mad and stubborn. I wasn't going to leave even if her words stung. I wasn't going to let her go and I was also not going to leave her alone when she needs someone to hold her.
I think Tiffany is too used to dealing with all of her problems on her own.
I understand because I've been the same way my whole life, especially over the past few years.
I wanted her to know I was here and here for good, that I wasn't going anywhere.
Tiffany stayed silent for a moment as she debated what to say, "I don't need you here, Noah," she finally said, her voice hard as stone and colder than ice. "I'm fine."
"No you're not." I retorted firmly. "And I'm not going anywhere. Neither are you so I guess you're stuck with me."
Tiffany turned to give me a confused look. I took her off guard when I snatched her car keys from where they rested on the dock in front of her.
"Hey!" she snapped.
"What?" I retorted, quirking my eyebrow in slight amusement seeing her snap like that. "Want your keys?"
Tiffany gave me a hard glare before huffing and looking away from me. "No. And I wouldn't get behind the wheel if I wasn't sober. I may be drunk but that doesn't make me clueless."
I grinned a little at her stubborn and witty smart manner. Even when she was drunk she was still like that which was adorable.
"You should go," Tiffany spoke up after a few minutes, not looking at me. Her words dragged from the alcohol a bit.
"I'm not going anywhere," I told her tenderly, also looking out to the moon reflecting off the lake just like Tiffany was.
Tiffany sighed, "Why?"
"Why what?" I looked at her again, my eyebrows pulling together in confusion from what she meant.
She looked at me, her whole face looking drained out. Her face was blank as she softly said, "Why do you want to stay?"
I looked at her, my features soft. Our eyes stayed locked as I looked at her in thought, "Because I let you walk away once and I'm not going to do that again."
Tiffany stayed quiet as she looked out at the water lightly swaying.
"You're not going to tell me to leave again?" I asked softly and hesitantly, looking at her with my eyes narrowed.
She shrugged her shoulders softly, "No."
"Why?" My voice was quiet.
She shrugged again, "It's not like you'll leave if I tell you to. And, I care about you too."
I almost scoffed, "Why? You shouldn't." I was a jerk to her more than once; of anything, she has all rights to hate me.
"Why not?" she asked me, her voice gentle as she glanced over at me, tilting her head.
I looked at her for a moment before sighing and looking away, "I don't deserve your care. I hurt you. Friday night. I'm an idiot."
Tiffany looked at me for a moment longer before looking back to the sparkling water, "I hurt you too. And anyways, about Friday, it's not like I had a right to be mad."
"Tiff-"
"I don't want to talk about that right now," she muttered dully, cutting me off. "I don't care about what happened on Friday. Not right now." I was selfish to think this was about me and the kiss with Amy. Clearly she had bigger things on her mind so I was quite an idiot to assume her being in this position had something to do with me.
"What's going on with you?" I sighed, looking at her with concern all over my face. I prayed she would just give me an honest answer and tell me what was really going on.
She licked her lips before looking down at the bottle. She debated for a minute but then didn't take a sip. She sighed, "I hate running. And that's all I feel like I've been doing for years. Just running from one problem after the next."
"Then stop running," I said softly.
I reached over and took the alcohol bottle from her lap. Her eyes followed me as I flipped the bottle and emptied it out, watching the alcohol hit the side of the dock and gurgle out of the bottle.
I placed the empty bottle in front of Tiffany and I on the dock.
Tiffany looked at it, "I haven't drank in a long time."
"I know," I mumbled, looking at the bottle for a moment before looking at her.
"I haven't smoked either." Tiffany reached into her jacket pocket and took something out, dropping it on the dock in front of the bottle between the two of us. From the light coming from the moon, I easily recognized a cigarette pack.
I looked at Tiffany but she was looking at the pack, "Did you... smoke today too?"
She shook her head softly, "No. I haven't smoked since... since I met you, actually."
"Really?" My eyebrows furrowed in surprise and confusion.
She nodded slowly, "Yeah. The day in the grocery store I was going to but then I didn't. All I could think about was the cocky guy who dropped my cereal. You were different. The way you retorted back to all my comments and kept responding with something witty. You were amused even though I was quite mean. I didn't smoke and threw out my pack too. I didn't need one until now so I bought a pack. I haven't smoked one yet since I was drinking."
"Well, don't smoke. Or drink." My advice was stupid but it got to the point so hopefully it would be enough because I was still at loss for what to say to her. I was afraid I would once again, say the wrong thing and ruin things even more.
"Why?" she mumbled softly, her voice sounding innocent. She peered at me with her head tilted. She looked absolutely adorable despite the state she was in right now.
"Why ruin your lungs or liver?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. It was the most generic response.
"I'll be fine," she grumbled, looking away again as she shoved her hands into her pocket.
"We all assume that," I said softly, looking at the starry sky. "When really we have no idea what to expect."
Tiffany looked at me, "Okay." She then looked back to the water, seeming more intrigued by the water than she really was. "I would throw the pack out right now but I don't want to hurt the fishies."
I smiled softly, sensing the alcohol affecting her words. She sounded like a little child but it was adorable. "It's okay. We'll throw it out later."
"I thought... I guess I thought I lost you." Tiffany's voice cracked as she spoke. She avoided connecting her gaze with mine completely now; she stared down at her lap.
"What do you mean?" I asked quietly, my voice not much above a whisper.
She shrugged her shoulders lightly, "I don't know. We hadn't talked in weeks and then you told me to leave and then when you kissed Amy... I guess I thought you moved on and really didn't want to ever talk to me again."
"That would never happen, Tiffany," I said gently as I scooted closer to her.
Tiffany traced circles on her leg with her finger. I took that as my opportunity to gently take her hand in mine and hold it, tracing circles over the back of her hand with my thumb.
She stared down at our hands, "I stopped getting fazed, caring as much. I guess I was so used to things going to shit that I just stopped letting myself be as affected. Then I met you and somehow started struggling to keep my guard up. It's like you bring out my vulnerability."
"Is that a bad thing?" I peered at her, every cell in my body wanted to just connect to her like two magnets.
She shrugged once again, "No. It reminded me that it's okay to get close to people. But still, I pushed you away because I let the fear of hurting you be a stronger reason to back out."
Hearing Tiffany say this made my chest hurt.
I felt terrible for the way I had been treating her. I should have been more considerate of what she was feeling but I was selfish because I was hurt. I didn't realize how hurt she was too.
"I pushed you away too," I murmured, looking away from her again. "It's okay."
"Things are just so different," she mumbled in thought. "I don't know how to explain what's going on in my head because I hardly understand it myself."
"I understand that." I told her tenderly.
She sighed, "You've been wanting to figure me out this whole time. I'm guessing you really want to know why I'm so fucked up."
"I don't think you're fucked up," I told her, my eyebrows furrowing lightly. I looked at her, my eyes soft.
Tiffany closed her eyes softly, "I am, though."
"Tiffany..." I said quietly.
She exhaled through her noes. She finally opened her eyes and looked at me, her expression soft and sad, "I've messed up... a lot."
A tear escaped her eye. Then more tears gently streamed down her face.
I had never seen her cry before and it was heart-clenching.
"I don't know why I drank. It ruined everything - drinking I mean," her voice cracked as tears unconsciously rolled down her cheeks. "I hate it. I hate drinking and drugs. I don't know why I resorted to it now when I know how badly something can go wrong from one drink."
"I hate this," her voice was hoarse and filled with so many emotions I wished she never had to experience. "I hate it so much."
I moved even closer to her so our shoulders were touching. I then let go of her hand and wrapped my arms around her, letting her rest her head on my chest and break down.
Tiffany was always so strong and kept herself put together even if that meant acting numb. Now, she was breaking down and letting her guard down for me which meant so much to me but also killed me. It was heartbreaking to see her this way.
After a few minutes of just sitting there in my embrace and letting herself calm down a bit, she sniffled and sat up straight.
Tiffany turned to look at me, "You want to know what happened."
I nodded, "I do but that doesn't mean you have to tell me." I had been waiting to figure this girl out since I first met her but right now, it almost seemed wrong to hear her story. She was drunk and hurt and that didn't seem like the best time for her to tell me anything. I didn't want her to tell me in the heat of the moment and regret it later.
She shrugged her shoulders weakly, "It's okay. I want to tell you."
"It happened a year ago, in Saratoga." She started. I stayed quiet and let her continue talking.
"What happened?" I asked softly.
"I killed him."
"Who?"
"The guy I was in love with."