Chapter 44

Chapter Forty-Two
Lot of Hurt Going on
Luke and I got to Noah's house after the others since we had left later.
When we got there, my dad, Noah's parents and brothers along with the rest of the friend group where all sitting around in the family room.
Noah's mom looked drained out and exhausted as she sat on the couch and rubbed her hands in anticipation.
"What's going on?" Luke said as soon as we had walked into the room.
Cade shrugged as he stood up and shoved his hands in his jogger's pockets, "Nothing, really. Noah's upstairs in his room but won't talk to anyone - at all."
"How are you doing, Mrs.Coates?" I asked softly as I walked over to where she was sitting and stood beside my dad. He wrapped an arm around me and gave my shoulder a reassuring squeeze.
She gave me a small and sad smile, "I'm okay, dear. I'm just glad Noah's safe."
I smiled lightly and nodded, "So am I."
"Princess," Luke said softly as he came over and placed a hand on my shoulder.
I stepped away from my dad and turned around to look at Luke who had a sheepish look on his face.
"I think you should go see Noah."
My eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "What? No, that's not a good idea," I shook my head softly. "Cade said he doesn't want to talk to anyone anyways."
"I think that's with the exception of you, Tiff." Charlie mumbled as he also walked over and gave me a sheepish but knowing look.
"What are you talking about?" I murmured slowly, looking between my brother and Luke.
Luke gave me a flat look. With his eyes he was telling me to recall what he told me back at my house. "He... Noah has a soft spot for you. The two of you have a... special friendship or something that's hard to explain but I think seeing you and knowing you're here will make him feel better."
Charlie nodded in agreement, "Noah keeps things shoved away and doesn't like to talk but around you he let's that guard down. He'll talk to you."
"We're not exactly friends right now," I muttered quietly through gritted teeth as I crossed my arms over my chest.
I tried to ignore the choking feeling in my gut that rose when I thought about facing Noah. Too much anxiety riled inside me from the thought because in all honesty, I was scared and nervous to see him after our last conversation.
Luke nodded in a way that said he knows that, "That doesn't mean he won't want to see you."
"Luke..." I said softly, sighing in defeat. "I really don't think that's a good idea. Our last conversation... wasn't exactly breezy. And I'm the only one here who doesn't know what's tolling on him so... what help would I be?" I tried to find excuses because I really wasn't ready to face Noah right now and also wasn't sure I wanted to see him in the state he's in.
"You t-"
"Honey," Amanda stood up and placed her hand on my arm gently, cutting off Luke. She gave me a soft smile, "There is no pressure here and it's completely okay if you don't want to talk to him right now. But, I know my son and I saw how you two were with each other the night I met you so I have to agree with the boys. You may be the only person Noah talks to right now."
I sighed and looked back to Luke and Charlie who had nonchalant looks on their faces as they shrugged.
"Okay," I mumbled, ignoring my pounding heart as I started to feel more anxious and worried about how my interaction with Noah after weeks would go. "I'll go talk to him."
Without waiting for anyone to say anything, I headed to the stairs and made my way up without hesitating although I was tempted to stop and gather myself for a moment.
When I got to the top and was out of sight from everyone downstairs, I stopped and shut my eyes.
My fists were clenched at my sides. I wasn't sure why I was so anxious and distressed but I really was not mentally prepared for this. I felt like I was overthinking to the max but couldn't really stop either.
After about three minutes of standing there and staring down the hallway, I finally managed to move my muscles and walk to Noah's room.
I reluctantly knocked on the door.
There was no response.
I knocked again and waited for minute but got nothing.
Then I knocked again expect harder and more impatiently.
Normally I would just walk in by now but things hadn't exactly been the same lately so it didn't seem right to do that.
"Fuck off!" Noah's voice rang through my ears, his voice muffled through the closed door.
That's when I allowed myself to slowly open the door and step into his room.
Slowly shutting the door behind me, my eyes narrowed onto Noah. He was sitting on the ground beside one side of his bed, leaning back against it. His head was hung low with his hair falling over his forehead and legs were stretched straight in front of him.
When I walked closer I noticed a bottle of alcohol in his hand.
My heart beating fast, I tried to relax my tense body as I walked over and sat down beside Noah on the ground, also leaning against the bed.
Noah slightly looked over to look at me before looking back down to his lap. "Why are you here?" His words slurred and voice was dull and cold. I had never seen him like this before. I had seen him drunk but I hadn't seen him broken and using alcohol as a way to numb what he was feeling.
Noah's eyes were bloodshot and slightly puffy from what I assumed was crying. He had bags under his eyes that told me he hadn't slept in a while. His whole body looked weak and not ready to hold him up. He looked drained out and very insipid.
I licked my lips slowly, thinking of how to answer for a moment. "To see you."
Noah scoffed, "Why? It's not like you care about me."
I frowned, disappointed he felt that way. Even if he was drunk, he was being honest. "Noah..." I started, softly. "You know I care about you."
Noah didn't look at me for a second. He licked his lips and stayed silent for a few minutes before he brought the bottle up to his lips and took a large chug of the bitter drink.
Noah wiped his lips with the back his hand, "Want to know why I'm like this?"
"You don't have to tell me anything, Noah. I just want to be here with you." I answered delicately.
Noah ignored my comment as he started speaking, "It happened a year ago."
"Noah..." I cut him off, shaking my head. "You're drunk. I don't want you telling me like this."
Noah still hadn't look at me. He shrugged his shoulders lightly, his words slurring when he spoke again, "Doesn't matter if I'm drunk or not. I would have told you anyways. I was never afraid to tell you, I just didn't know when or how to."
I looked at Noah with my eyes soft and whole chest feeling heavy.
Noah licked his lips, "My brother, you don't know about him. Sammy. He died a year ago. He was only 13, it was leukaemia. He got diagnosed when he was nine. He fought the whole way through and was pretty normal for three years. Then, when he was 12 it got really bad and... well, today last year he couldn't fight much more and he... he was gone."
Noah's voice cracked as he spoke about his brother. I could tell he was using all his strength he could muster to stop himself from crying right now.
My chest ached and I wanted to reach forward to hold his hand in mine but I couldn't move a muscle.
"Can you tell me about him?" I asked softly.
Noah sniffled a bit, "Sammy played soccer just like me. Him and I were close despite the age difference - he was mature for his age. He was actually really wise and smarter than Braxton sometimes," Noah chuckled ever so slightly, a sad smile taking place on his lips. "He was always cracking jokes and keeping the mood light. He had that in common with Adriel expect he wasn't douchey and cocky like Ade. Even when he was sick, he was always smiling and making jokes with the nurses and doctors, trying to make mom and dad less tense. I swear I never saw the kid weak."
"He sounds amazing," I exhaled, smiling lightly. "Losing someone messes with everything you once knew. You want to find meaning but sometimes things just happen, it doesn't matter because it hurts either way. I'm sorry you have to deal with that pain, Ace. I wouldn't wish it on anyone."
Noah's jaw clenched.
He finally looked at me, his eyes slightly droopy and filled with sadness. "Seems like there's a lot of hurt going on in my life. Guess I should get used to it."
"Noah..." I said weakly, my voice quiet. My eyebrows turned in guilt and disappointment. "You did not lose me. I'm still here and always will be."
Noah scoffed and looked away from me, "Sure seems like I have you, aye?"
I closed my eyes and exhaled through my noes. "Noah, I didn't want to hurt you."
Noah smiled bitterly, "Well you did, Tiffany."
"Noah..."
"I lost you before you were even mine," he murmured, words slurring together and voice quiet. "I seem to lose a lot of important people around me so maybe I shouldn't be this affected."
"Noah, you didn't lose me," I repeated firmly. "I just can't... I can't give you what you deserve," I sighed, voice going quiet again as I looked down at my lap.
"You see," Noah looked at me again, tilting his head a bit. "You sell yourself too short. I'm not scared of your past or whatever you're hiding, nor am I telling you to share it with me until you're ready to. You've got to realize this isn't even about me- it's you, putting yourself on hold."
I looked at Noah and blinked, unsure what to think of what he was saying. I felt like my emotions were going to cause my body to explode because I was feeling so much and wasn't making sense of any of it.
"Just go, Tiffany," Noah said as he looked away, when I hadn't responded.
"Noah-"
"Just go," he repeated, cutting me off. He shook his head as he looked down at his lap once again.
"Noah, come on," I sighed, hurt in all honesty.
"You know what?" Noah chuckled dryly. Noah looked at me again, "I don't want you here."
"I want to be here," I retorted, my voice bland and eyes blank as I looked at him. He was drunk and mad at me but he needed someone here right now.
"No you don't," Noah smiled a sad smile, his eyes narrowing on me. "I don't want you here if you're only halfway here. I don't want you here because I'm hurting right now and you want to hold me together for a bit longer. Don't you see, that hurts me more because tomorrow you'll be gone again."
"Who said I will be?" I retorted, voice firm and trying to remain strong because I didn't want to break down right now. I was close to choking on a sob because Noah's words felt like they were piercing through me. "I won't ever be gone or not here for you, Noah."
"But you will," Noah retorted just as firmly but voice laced with sadness... and alcohol. "You still don't get it? You're not ready to give yourself to me - to let me be there for you too, Tiffany. If you won't be gone the next morning, you'll be gone the day after and I can't keep losing you like that."
"Noah..." I muttered out weakly, looking at him hopelessly.
"Just go." He said once again, voice going cold as he looked away from me. "Please. Just go."
"Noah, come on," I exhaled, voice getting shaky and about to break.
"I don't want you here, okay?!" Noah snapped, his voice growing loud and angry as he stumbled and struggled to stand up and step away from me.
He held onto his bed's headboard to stable himself as I also stood up and took a step away from him, looking at him guiltily and sadly, not wanting to leave like this.
When Noah looked at me, all the sadness seemed to be gone. His eyes were filled with a cold and blank look.
I slowly nodded my head and then turned around and walked out of his room. I pulled the door handle and closed the door behind me.
When the door shut, I stepped back and leaned against the door, closing my eyes to stop any tears from falling.
I took a minute to even my breathing before walking down the stairs.
"What happened?" Luke stood up and asked me as soon as he noticed me. Everyone was still sitting around the lounge room except for the parents who had gone into the kitchen to drink some wine.
"You guys talked, right?" Jade asked, also standing up and looking at me curiously and anxiously. "I mean you were up there for a while so he must've talked to you."
"Is he okay?" Leo asked, voice sounding drained out.
I licked my lips and looked between all of them before looking at Luke with a blank and emotionless face, "He's drunk and coping because he's in pain. It's normal. Give him space because he's fine, just will be very hungover tomorrow."
I turned to look at Ezra before anyone could say anything, "Drive me home, please?"
Ezra nodded, not asking any questions because he could easily see I wasn't really okay right now. He grabbed his keys from the coffee table and walked over to me.
"Tiff," Jade stopped me when I had turned to leave. "What happened? Are you okay?"
"Princess," Luke said softly, sadness seeping through his tone. "What did Noah say to you?"
I shook my head softly, "Nothing. I just shouldn't be here anymore."
"But-"
"I think we should get home," Ezra said, cutting Luke off.
I nodded and started walking out the house.
Ezra stopped and looked at Luke, "She'll be okay, so will Noah. Text me if anything happens."
I thought the last conversation over three weeks ago was bad. I didn't think it could get worse than that but I was wrong.
Noah hated me and hated what I did to him.
I didn't realize how hurt I was by him until I spent that night staring at my ceiling while hugging my pillow to my chest because I was so knocked over by everything that was happening that I couldn't even manage to cry.
Falling in-love fucking sucks.