Chapter 48

Chapter Forty-Six
It's Their Dying, Not Yours
Noah
"I killed him."
"Who?"
"The guy I was in love with."
"When I started high school I was ready for a fresh start - to go back to the happy girl who played soccer and loved spending time with her family." She fiddled with her fingers as she spoke, clearly uneasy as she opened up the memories she had shoved away.
"It had been two years since my parent's divorce since Charlie and my dad moved away. Those two years were miserable." She chuckled dryly.
"My mom is a workaholic who spends all of her time at work, worrying about work and nothing else. It's her life, literally," she told me. "It's all she's ever cared about. She was the mother who forget her child's birthdays and wouldn't notice if I had been sleeping at my friend's houses all week and wasn't at home. I hated the way everything had changed since my dad and Charlie moved but I couldn't complain. If I complained about anything, my mother would bitch at me about how I'm being a hassle and being ungrateful for all that she's given me."
"She would hand me credit cards and hire nannies and chauffeurs and cooks who stayed at the house and were more of a family to me than she ever was," Tiffany looked at me, her whole face filled with sadness and remorse. I hated knowing this was how she had to live for years when she could've been happy with her brother and dad.
"I think the last time she said happy birthday to me was when I turned twelve. She barely remembered I existed after that year. Two years were miserable but finally, I was starting high school so I decided to make the best out of my own life. I've always been super independent and I had Ezra so, I was happy." She smiled ever so slightly as she thought back.
"Freshman year, I was like any other friend you'd have. I joined the soccer team and had a lot of friends, Ezra and I were always out shopping or hiking or at the movies or out in the city just having a good time. I would have massive sleepovers with all my friends, taking advantage of all the money my mom didn't notice would be gone out of her bank accounts. I was a happy, outgoing and fun girl just like any other teenager. I had a lot of friends and was already captain of the soccer team as a freshman which was a big deal. I kind of loved my life even if I resented my mother," a small, half-hearted smile rested on her lips.
"Then sophomore year, things kind of change. I was still popular, everyone knew me even if it was because I was a rich girl but I was nice and friendly and honestly a good person that anyone would want to get to know. Sophomore year I met a guy. He was a year older than me. Your stereotypical bad boy; motorcycle, leather jacket, smoking, tattoos, everything."
I didn't fail to catch the tear that slipped out of her eye. I wanted to reach forward and wipe it away but was too scared to interrupt most barely.
"I didn't mean to fall for him but you tend not to choose who you fall for," she chuckled dryly. "So there I was, madly in love with a guy I knew I shouldn't be with. He had a big heart but made bad decisions and had bad habits."
"What was his name?"
"Zac. We started dating and honestly, under the bad boy exterior, he was a sweetheart. He had his problems and struggles but together, we balanced each other out and brought the best out of each other and everyone could see that." Tiffany shook her head as she laughed lightly once again, "We were kind of the power couple. I stopped hanging out with my old friends as much and got involved in his crowd. They weren't bad people, they were just reckless and didn't care about consequences. I didn't change though. I still hung out with my old friends, I was still nice to people, friendly and outgoing. But I started doing reckless things because I got involved with the wrong group."
"So," she exhaled deeply. "I was 15 when I got arrested for underage drinking. I had to call my mom to bail me out since my dad was in a different State. The thing is, because of this mistake of mine, not only did my mother have to pay a whole bail fee for me but it ruined a huge business opportunity for her. She was in the process of signing a contract with a huge company but when the other company saw what I had gotten into on the news, they decided not to go through with the deal. I won't go into all the business details but you see, this deal was going to save my mom's company from losing a lot of money. My mom had been having some financial issues and her company was going downhill and this deal would have saved her ass but because of me, it failed and my mom's company had to temporarily shut down. It took her months to get back on her feet and I knew it was hard because she could barely show people her face and it was all my fault. She had told me not to get into drugs and alcohol, not to party and mess anything up but of course, I got my ass in jail." She shook her head softly, still staring at the water in front of us.
"Ever since, my mother and I distanced even more than we were original. After that, it was like she spent every extra second she had trying to find some flaw in me for me to fix. She was scared I would mess up again and she would have to pay the consequence." Tiffany's jaw clenched, "It was so bad that I grew an eating disorder."
"Tiff..." I exhaled, barely audible. I was holding back my tears, feeling so much sympathy for everything she had gone through even though I knew she wasn't done telling me the story. I wanted to hug her so tightly and never let go.
She cleared her throat, holding back a sob, "I couldn't blame my mother for it though. It started because I took her criticism but it was my fault. I let myself fall off the rails and didn't take care of myself the way I needed to because I was so hurt and fucked up in so many ways."
"Tiffany," I said slowly. "That is not your fault."
She shrugged weakly, "Maybe. It took me months to recover and Zac, was by my side through it all. He helped a lot and I wouldn't have survived if it weren't for him." She smiled another sad smile, another tear falling free from her eye.
"Things had finally started to get better and I was happy after a long time. With everything that happened with me falling off the rails and the eating disorder, we got more careful. He was afraid he was going to lose me if we weren't careful so we stopped with the partying and smoking and drugs. Everything was so fucking good. I loved my life." She licked her lips. "I never would've thought things would get worse. Zac was perfect and... at the time, I was so happy with my life."
For the first time since I've met her, I am in this moment seeing that she's been broken and bent into millions of pieces since she's been here.
"I had him," she said softly, her voice cracking as she looked down at her lap. "I had Ezra and all my old friends. I was back on the soccer team after months. I had so many friends and was kind of the Golden Girl in the school who everyone loved because I wasn't a bitch to anyone. I was an open book and everyone knew what I went through but they all supported me. Sure, my mother wasn't part of my life but I had everyone I needed. Charlie and I talked, I spent summers with my dad - my life was near perfect."
"So what happened?"
"One night, I was with Zac when some of his old friends who he stopped seeing showed up. Those friends of his turned on us and injected us with heroin against our will. They tied us up and forced us to; we were stuck and didn't have a way out or have any way of stopping them since we were outnumbered."
I didn't know how to react.
"It was fucked up. I don't know who in the right mind would do something like that but those guys were really bad and I guess they held a grudge when Zac stopped being friends with them and I was the reason behind it so that put me in the equation as well."
Tiffany continued softly, "The night was a blur and I'm thankful I can't remember more of it but all I do remember is those guys pushing us into a car. I was behind the steering wheel and next thing I know was getting put onto a stretcher and getting taken to a hospital."
She shook her head in distaste. I could see it hurt her to have to talk about all of this but she continued, "We were so out of our minds because of the drugs they injected us with. I guess it was some loyalty pact and after we stopped hanging out with them because we didn't want to be part of that group anymore, they took it personally."
"You don't remember the night?" I asked, trying to better understand.
"All I remember is hallucinating and not even understanding where I was when we were in the car. We tried to stop driving but we both were drugged to the max. I had never been on that many drugs, I'm not even sure what exactly they injected us with because the whole thing was a fucking disaster. I couldn't see, I couldn't think, I couldn't - anything. We both were gone far out of our senses. When I woke up from being in a coma for a week, I learnt that my boyfriend along with a girl whose car I had crashed us into were both dead. And it was all my fault." Tears freely streamed down her face as she hung her head low and looked back at her lap.
"I fucking killed them, Noah. I killed my boyfriend and an innocent girl."
"Tiffany," I exhaled. I shook my head firmly and took her hand in mine once again, "You did not kill them. That was not your fault. You can't possibly believe it is."
She looked at me with her eyes welled up with tears. "Trouble followed me and I should have known better. After every wrong thing that had happened in my life, I should have known better."
"Tiff..."
"My dad has a lot of good lawyer connections so he got me out of the mess. The girl's family and my boyfriends didn't press charges because the evidence was found and everyone found out that we were not doing drugs for fun and I was telling the truth when I said it was those guys' fault who injected us." She explained to me, looking away from me once again and starting with a blank face.
"Ezra had been by my side since the beginning. When I met Zac, when I got involved with the wrong friend group Ezra had also become friends with them, getting arrested, the eating disorder, things getting better until... the accident. Ezra had been through the entire thing with me and he lost his best friend too."
It was starting to make more sense about how she and Ezra were much closer than she and Charlie were.
This is why Ezra always knew what she was thinking or what she needed without her even saying anything.
"I was completely gone after the accident. I didn't know how to live." My chest felt heavy as she continued.
"I tried -" Tiffany cleared her throat, holding back another sob. "I tried to take my life," she exhaled. I felt my body go cold. "Ezra found me in the bathroom in time to force me to vomit while we waited for an ambulance."
Tiffany continued talking before I had a chance to say anything, "I just couldn't live. Not after killing the guy, I loved along with an innocent girl who had her whole life in front of her. I couldn't live knowing I took Ezra's best friend's life."
"Ezra would never blame you for that, Tiff," I told her, frowning. I wished my words were convincing but I knew whatever mindset she had was dead-set.
"I know," she mumbled quietly. "But I couldn't physically live in my skin. I wanted to claw myself out of my flesh, Noah. It was beyond fucked."
"There's no need," I mumbled. "Words wouldn't be able to justify it."
She nodded slowly, "Anyways, after I spent some months getting excessive psychiatric help, I still wasn't okay but Ezra never left my side so I couldn't do anything but live with what happened. That's when the decision was made for me to move here. Ezra had already moved because my aunt was moving anyways. That made it an easier decision for me to come here."
"I couldn't stay in Saratoga - I couldn't stay in that place and have a daily, constant reminder of everything I had lost, of everyone that I had lost. I just... I couldn't fucking live there anymore. I didn't want to live anywhere but with my dad, Ezra and Charlie's support, I figured it was best to accept that I was going to have to live with this weight on me for the rest of my deary life."
Tiffany exhaled a deep breath and took a moment before saying, "And that is why I ended up the way I am."
"I went from this fun, outgoing, kind, and welcoming person who could light up a room with a smile - to this person, me. I put up walls and learned to never let my guard down, I stopped letting people in or getting attached to people because I knew I couldn't be happy for long before I would do something to mess up and hurt the people around me." She looked at me with a sheepish and worried look on her face like she was afraid I would judge her or decide I didn't like the person she is now.
"That's why I don't like going to parties, why I feel uncomfortable around alcohol and drugs. I use to party all the time, have a fucking wild and fun night every Friday night. Now I hate it more than anything because I'm afraid of it. I don't want to be out of my senses and I don't want people around me out of their senses because the last time I was out of it, I killed two people and then tried to take my own life too."
"Tiffany," I sighed, wrapping an arm around her and bringing her close to me. She exhaled as she leaned her head on my shoulder. "Zac loved you and you loved him. He would never want you living with this holding you back, you know that. Nobody blames you and taking your life wouldn't change what happened or bring him and the other girl back."
I wished I said something that would make her feel better but I felt like I was failing. I didn't know how to comfort her and that pissed me off.
"I know," she murmured. "This stuff that has happened, it's why I... didn't want to get closer to you but I couldn't. Something about you - I don't know when it happened but I fell in love with you in a way I've never been in love before and I couldn't stay away from you even if I wanted to."
My heart almost stopped from hearing those words come from her.
"I messed it up like usual which was a given but I was okay with it because although it killed me to stay away from you and watch you kiss Amy, I knew it was better in the long run. If you and I weren't close, you wouldn't get hurt; at least you wouldn't get hurt because of me."
I exhaled through my noes, trying to collect my thoughts and feelings that felt like they were all over the place.
I licked my lips, "Loving someone hurts. We're all shaped by some incredible sadness, by a part of our past that still and may always hurt. Not being with you is what hurts, Tiffany. You're like broken glass, I'll still touch you knowing I may get hurt but I'm not worried about that."
Tiffany sighed deeply, her head resting on me still, "Being away from you has taught me that I much rather risk getting hurt than risk losing you by staying away."
"Getting my heart broken by you would be a privilege, Tiffany," I grinned lightly.
Tiffany lifted her head and looked at me with a small smile breaking loose on her face, "The Fault in Our Stars?"
"It's honest."
Tiffany sniffled, smiling lightly. It warmed me to see her smiling now, after I had seen her completely beat down, it was beyond joying to see her smile a genuine smile. "Why hurt someone when you're only intention is to love them?"
A smile grew on my face, "Love, huh?"
Tiffany looked down and let her hair fall on the sides of her face like a curtain to shield her blushing cheeks though I couldn't see anyways because of the dark outside.
"Yes," she mumbled as she looked up to me again.
I quirked my eyebrow in a questioning manner.
Before she could speak, I spoke again, "Hey. Do you know what I learnt when my brother died?"
She tilted her head, a soft look on her face.
"When someone you love is dying, it is their death, not yours. You're still here and alive, it's your job to keep your memory alive because nobody wants to be forgotten. Being forgotten may be worse than dying."
"It's their dying, not yours." She repeated my words. "Morning will come, it has no choice. I read that somewhere. You have to find the beauty of it because your brother and Zac wouldn't want us to stop or give up. Just because we move on with life doesn't mean they don't live in our hearts, it just means that something happened and we continue living because that's how life works."
I smiled softly and nodded my head, "There are no happy endings. Endings are always sad but you have Zac a happy middle and happier start. From what you told me about you two, I can say you made him a very happy guy while he was here."
Tiffany nodded, smiling tenderly.
"You know," I exhaled softly, looking away from her and to the water. I could feel her soft gaze on me, "After Sammy, I was empty and lost because I couldn't find a reason to go on. Why should I go on when an innocent and precious little boy who deserved the world was just taken away from the world? But now, I can see how one person really can give your life a meaning."
Tiffany tilted her head in confusion, "What do you mean?"
I looked at her, a sheepish smile on my lips, "I look at you and see the rest of my life in front of my eyes."
"Noah..." she mumbled sheepishly, biting her lip in conciseness. I could tell she wanted to look away but she didn't.
I took both her hands in mine, my gaze not leaving hers for a second. "I'm in love with you, Tiffany Vos."
Noah
"You're what?" Tiffany's eyes widened and her face contorted into a look of absolute disbelief.
"I'm in love with you."
"You are? Are you... sure?"
"Yes, sunshine, I am positive. No doubt in my mind."
Tiffany nodded slowly, her eyebrows still furrowed. She seemed to be in thought. "I'm not someone you would want to love, Noah."
My smile slowly left my face. I hated that she thought so little of herself. "Yes, you are," I told her confidently. I raised one of my hands to cup her cheek, softly caressing her cheek with my thumb. "You are an amazing person whether you see it or not. You see everything you've been through as bad luck but I see it as struggles that you made it through and became stronger from. I'm not scared of your past, Tiffany."
Tiffany exhaled through her noes. She held a worrisome and somewhat sad look on her face which made my chest ache because I knew she was finding it hard to believe and accept that someone was willing to love her despite the baggage she was carrying.
"Maybe you're right," she finally said, looking at me with soft eyes. "But... I'm broken and messed up and have pieces of me all over the place. That's not something anybody should have to deal with, Noah."
I shrugged softly, "I don't care, Tiffany. I want you and if that comes with pieces all over the place then I'm okay with it. You don't get it," I chuckled softly, moving the hand that was cupping her face back to her hands to hold them gently in mine. "I can't unlove you. I can't forget the feeling of holding you when you sleep next to me. I can't forget how your eyes would get a bit bigger every time something surprising would happen in Prison Break. I can't forget the dreadful look on your face every time you walk into math class, wanting it to be over before it even starts because you hate math that much," Tiffany chuckled softly, looking down at her lap for a moment causing her hair to drape around her face. "I can't unlove you, Tiffany and I am glad for that."
"Well," she exhaled, smiling softly as she looked up at me. "Lucky you? Because... I love you, Ace."
A bigger smile broke loose on my face, hearing those words from her.
My hand released hers so I could cup one side of her face before lightly tilting her head back and leaning my head down so I could press my lips on hers.
This kiss was unlike any of our others.
It was soft and slow and filled with warmth. Our lips moved together in sync as she scootched forward on the deck, coming closer to me.
Tiffany wrapped her arms around my torso as my whole body felt like it was on fire although the night was quite cool.
We slowly pulled apart. Tiffany looked up at me with a sheepish smile on her lips.
Tiffany inhaled deeply, her arms still wrapped around me. She came even closer and wrapped her arms around me tighter as she leaned her head down on my chest and hugged me.
I exhaled and wrapped my arms around her, leaning my head down on her and settling this feeling is - a feeling I never wanted to stop feeling. I felt like everything around me was blooming with shining lights or something.
From here on out, I knew things were going to be perfect.
THE END