135 | RAYS OF LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS

I start the day with an overwhelming desire: to talk to Mom. Logically, I know she’s gone, but I still have the undeniable urge to go to her and tell her everything’s getting better. I’m not sure what to do, especially - if I believe in an afterlife like Nikki seems to suggest - if Mom’s spirit or whatever has moved on. Mom’s not here for me to talk to. Still, the wish builds into an almost painful thing- sitting right in the cracks of my heart and making me long to tell my mom everything.

I spend the morning classes in a funk, fighting the tightness of loss in my chest and leaning on Blue whenever he’s around. Now that the majority of the gradebook is submitted for the seniors, all we really have to worry about is attendance - which is the reason why I’ve been showing up to class rather than staying home these days. Or taking off to visit my Pack.

Blue and Darine try to keep me engaged in class or whatever conversation they try to have, but by lunch time I’m completely engrossed in old memories. I only vaguely note that Yuri and Darine have been holding hands when they’re together and pass each other little smiles eery so often. I’m too in-my-own-head to say anything to them or Blue about the change. When the final bell rings, Blue stays with me rather than taking off towards the Azure territory like he usually does. We walk home together for once, or I think we are heading home - until I finally pay attention to the place my mate’s brought me to.

The faded scents of herbs still cling to the air of the graveyard, a prickling sense of Magic letting me know there’s something here beside the bodies of the deceased. We’re standing right in front of Mom’s headstone now, the intricate symbols carved into the sides of the stone making the simple marker appear far nicer than anything I could ever afford alone.

Tears spring to my eyes as my brain finally makes sense of why Blue’s brought me here. Without a word, Blue lowers himself to the ground a respectable distance away from the spot where Mom’s urn is. I plop down beside him, feeling my knees dig into the grass as I stare at Mom’s headstone. I take my mates hand in one of mine, but keep my attention on the letters that spell out Mom’s name as I open my mouth as speak.

“You wouldn’t believe the month I’ve had,” I start on a shaky voice and launch into a full-detail story of everything Mom’s missed. As all of it spews from my mouth, it feels like I grow lighter, the darkness inside dispelling a little with some of the tightness. But there’s also an ache left, a reminder that Mom’s not really here, even if it sort of feels like she’s listening. I make sure not to launch into the more depressing topics of things still coming to get us.

By the end, I’m smiling softly, more at peace than I had been since she died. The gentle light from the setting sun lights the world in a warm haze as the air cools a few degrees. But with the threat of the Revenant gone, I don’t have the compulsion to run home for the first time in weeks. Blue stays silent as I wrap up my retelling of events to Mom’s headstone, the thumb of his hand stroking the back of my hand comfortingly. I let out a sigh when I finish talking and sit in silence for a beat, letting the lingering scent of Magic tickle my senses.

The little bonfire of hope in me has brightened, reveling in the reflection of everything that’s been happening recently.

When it becomes too dark in the cemetery, I stand, pulling Blue along with me. I murmur gentle a *see-you-later* to Mom’s grave marker before walking out of the gated yard. Blue removes his hand from mine only to wrap his arm around my shoulders and pull me into his warm body as we make our way back home. A comfortable silence settles around us, and neither of us utters a word as we walk into the house and begin the usual routine of preparing dinner.

“So,” It’s only after the dinner table- counter- is set with our food and drink, that Blue finally speaks. “There’s a few things Yuri wants me to talk to you about.”

“Oh?” I quirk an eyebrow at my mate in surprise. Blue grins mischievously back and waggles his eyebrows.

“I told you things between Yuri and Darine have been escalating.” At the use of the word ‘escalating’ I can’t help but wrinkle my nose and purse my lips. “Not like that- well, if it’s like that, I don’t want to know.” Blue tells me quickly, before I can ask if ‘escalating’ is code for more lascivious activities. “Yuri and Darine have expressed that they want to…be on equal ground.”

“Equal as in…?” I have no idea where Blue’s going with this, and I’m purposefully keeping from reading his thoughts in case it’s something gross.

“Darine wants to take a shot at joining the Pack- as a Wolven.” Blue spells it out, seeing how I’m struggling with understanding what he’s not saying. I stare at him for a minute, food forgotten, as I process this.

“Darine wants the change?” I clarify, my heart squeezing a little as fear flutters back into it. The change - from human to Wolven - is an intense process that I know little about - beyond the fact that very few humans can make the change. It was something Grandmother and my own Mom refused to partake in. Grandmother because she was prejudice against humans in general, and Mom because of the high chance of the human’s body rejecting the change.

*Why hasn’t Darine told me? Because she thinks I’d talk her out of it?*…I think about it for moment, almost sure that’s why my best friend hasn’t mentioned the desire to become Wolven to me before. And I would have tried to talk her out of it, because this decision isn’t one that should be made lightly.

“It’s not as bad as it sounds,” Blue’s tone softens at the look of horror and weariness in my face as I look at him. He rests a comforting hand on my knee and turns to face me. “We’re more practiced in the process and our rates of survival are high.” He adds when I continue to frown at him.

“How high?” I croak, afraid for my friend’s life.

“Seventy five percent.” Blue replies confidently…and I have to admit the odds are much better than the fifty-fifty I was told about as a child.

“I know I should be asking her, but,” I look my mate in the eyes. “Is she sure?” Blue’s silvery grey eyes are clear and confident as he meets mine.

“Yes.” He tells me firmly. “I’ve been coaching them- as well as my parents and Yuri’s, over this for the last few weeks. They both are sure.” Blue gently squeezes my knee where his hand still rests and his smile softens. “Things between them are getting serious, enough that I trust their decision- even though I’ve reminded the two that they don’t have to be the same species to be together in the Pack.” The wry twist of his lips adds the breath of levity back into the conversation and I can’t help but smirk back.

That was part of the reason Mom and I decided to settle here in the first place.

“On the next full moon, Darine’s going to start the process.” Blue finishes telling me. I sit back in my chair, letting out a bone-deep sigh as acceptance washes over me. “You know, since she has a little of Hunter in her bloodline- very distantly, thank the moon -” Blue adds under his breath. “She has a higher chance of the change taking.” I sit a little straighter in my chair, relieved to hear this and a little curious.

“That so?” I ask, hoping he’ll elaborate on why that is.

“Yeah, but that’s also the reason most Hunters have such a strict code about being bitten by any supernatural.” Blue nods grimly. “At least, most of the Hunters we’ve stumbled across do. They consider anything akin to a changing bite or scratch a death sentence and will either take their own lives or kill the affected member of their Clan.” His grimace matches mine.

“Imagine that.” I murmur, very much able to imagine the proud and fierce warrior factions preferring death over any sort of change into a supernatural. “It’s a good thing Darine’s family aren’t practicing Hunters.” I add for levity…and make a mental note to look into that myself next time I come across Shola.