50 | NOT ALONE
The nightmares are back. I’m not sure what had kept them at bay for so long, really I shouldn’t have expected them to suddenly just disappear after nearly ten years of them. Even if the threat of being attacked as I once had been by the Reiniers is no longer plausible, I should have expected it. This one is particularly painful, the night I was nearly mauled to death by the Reiniers, their snarling faces and echoing voices ringing so loudly in my ears it’s hard to remember that it isn’t actually happening all over again. My heart’s nearly burst out of my chest when my eyes finally snap open and the phantom burn of my nearly-invisible scars stop throbbing.
Waking up in the Coven only scares the living shit out of me more when I finally do manage to become conscious again. The room, though semi-familiar, isn’t so common in my mind that I recognize it with the crazy fear making my blood rush through me. Sweat’s soaked right through my clothes, already cooling and chilling me to the bone as I sit in the corner of the room, huddled against the wall and shaking. The nearly healed bruising along my right shoulder tells me all I need to know as I stare at the bed a few feet away. I must have been so scared when I initially came to that I raced off the bed - falling on the unforgiving floor - to hide here where there are two walls at my back.
My wolf’s near the surface, panic in every cell, so chaotic that I’m half-way through the shift. Pain from the unnatural half-form is only making the situation worse, giving my foggy brain the impression that I’m back in that clearing when I was ten. It’s only another glance around the room that has my nerves settling. My claws shift back into human hands, my muscles smoothing as tension slowly drains from me, and my racing heart begins to slow. My room’s a mess. As if I was thrashing around and tearing at the walls like they were invisible enemies. I close my eyes, taking breath after shaky breath to calm myself. *I’m not there. I’m here. I’m alive. Everything’s fine*-
*Red*. Blue’s voice whispers from some distance away, calling to me in the back of my mind through the bond. One word from his side of the connection and I feel the warmth of him in my mind, banishing some of the darkness from the recalled memories. I shift against the wall, grounding myself a little more before I answer. He’s probably seen everything already, but I pretend he hasn’t - as if I could ever hide from him now.
*It was a nightmare*. I think back to him, not daring to even try to use my voice to reply. He’d hear everything I’m feeling echoed in my thoughts anyway, but this way I can think directly and not let the soreness of my throat influence my words. *I’m fine*. I add, though we both know I’m not. I’m physically safe, but my mind’s waterlogged by the onslaught of the nightmares and memories that normally haunt me closer to the anniversary of my birthday. I fight another wave of memories as I struggle back to the present, my mind still partially in that dream-like grogginess.
*Do you want to talk about it?* Blue’s mental voice is gentle, softer now that he’s seen exactly why I was terrified out of my mind only minutes ago. I let out another, long, shuddering sigh as the warmth of his voice wraps me up like a heated blanket.
*Not really*. I think back honestly, pulling my knees to my chest. *Sorry if I woke you*. I add after a beat of silence.
*You don’t have to be sorry, ever. Not for that - or anything else*. Blue’s words have an edge of finality to them, but are still so gentle in my head and filled with a lulling softness that I don’t bother to argue. *I have them too, you know. Nightmares*. I blink at his sudden admission, my curiosity sparked. *Not the same kind as yours, but I have them*.
*What kind do you have, then?* I wonder, the question floating through the bond before I can stop them. *Sorry, you don’t have to*-
*Loosing you. Loosing Yuri, or Cole, or any of my family. Over and over, I see that vision*… I know the one he means. The one we’d had last year when I’d killed them and become a Revenant. I close my eyes, blocking out the memory of the vision before it can fully form in my mind. *Sometimes its a rewritten memory. Like when Ryker first found you. I kept being afraid of him killing you before I could get to you. Sometimes its just nonsense, that turns into something else I’m afraid of. Power being too strong, taking over*… I know what he means by that too. My abilities as a vampire are still so new and strange to me that I don’t even try to use them. But every so often they’ll just pop up - like when I accidentally hurt Darine because of the time difference. The ever-present shadow of the Revenant hanging over me, ready to pounce if I ever loose control. I shiver. *Then I remind myself that everything’s fine. Or as close to fine as possible*. Blue’s voice sooths me a little more as a chuckle-like hum comes along with his words. *That you’re still alive and I’m in control of myself and the world’s still spinning*.
*Despite the impending apocalypse*. I think back wryly. His chuckle is more pronounced as he agrees.
*Despite the impending apocalypse*. He echoes in agreement, and I can almost see him smiling, a tingle of heat hovering over my own face. *We’re going to fix it, Red*. He murmurs in my mind, an unyielding confidence making my heart swell, prickles of heat burn at the back of my eyes and I roll my eyes into the darkness of my room.
*And then we’ll ride off into the sunset?* The sarcastic question’s supposed to be rhetorical, but Blue’s response comes through anyway.
*Of course*. It’s such a matter-of-fact statement I can’t stop the half-hysterical laugh that erupts from my mouth, the rest of my body relaxing into the wall. Only Blue could be so confident and reassured about things falling into place. His attitude towards the future working itself out is part of the reason I feel so balanced around him. Where I worry about things I do impacting the future, he believes in things like fated mates. A grin stretches across my face as the mark on my neck warms. The irony that I’d never thought a thing like fated mates could even be a possibility in my life isn’t lost on me. *Get some sleep, Red*. Blue’s whispering words let me know he’s starting to drift back to sleep himself.
*Good night, Blue*. I murmur, hoping my words don’t wake him. As his side of the connection lapses back into silence, I feel a strange sort of resolution sparks within me.
The realization that Blue’s been with me this whole time, despite the mess of the situation we’ve gotten into, hits me in the chest. My heart hurts. The strange feeling of not being whole feels like a more gnawing ache in the center of me - more than any physical feeling, it bores through my very soul and urges me to do something about it. To stop pushing my mate away because I keep thinking that he’ll leave me one day or die before me. That I’ll be all alone - and that I shouldn’t try to get any closer to him than I already have. That this is going to end one day - one way or another - and I’ll be alone again. The void of fear I’ve been trying to steer clear of confronting stares me down as the silence grows.
*I can’t keep running away because I’m scared. I promised I wouldn’t run anymore. I have to fight. I have to stop looking back and move forward*.
With a heavy sigh, I get up and shuffle out of my mess of a room, down the halls, stairs and across the courtyard to the library at the back of the property. I don’t find another person awake the entire way there, and the emptiness of the compound makes me feel like I’m in another nightmare. But the chill of the fall night and bite of the cold ground beneath my bare feet remind me this is all real.
When I get to the library, I move to the back of the room where a few computers are kept. The lack of moonlight telling me it’s too close to morning to care about waking anyone up, but the doubting side of me stops me from turning on any bright lights. It’s not like I need any of them to see anyway. My night vision is pretty good for only a half-Wolven. I settle into a chair in front of one of the computers a boot the thing up.
The resolution for me to do something productive for once and not shy away from my future like I have been for the last year has me sitting up straight as I log onto the now ready computer. With a deep breath, I push aside my nervous feelings when it comes to pondering what I really want in life and navigate through the internet’s start up page and begin searching. I stare at the computer screen, pulling up the page on local colleges and finally putting in the time to research the human part of my future for once.
