97 | FRAYING ROPES

It becomes a necessary thing to shift after dinner each night. Blue and I take a run around my territory, not that there’s really much reason since I feel secure in the mile of space, but he insists on it Sunday night. I think he senses my inner turmoil more than I do. Anyway, it keeps the wolf in me under control and calm, even though I feel the roiling of my emotions burning within me.

We stick to the wooded area, and I’m thankful to the later hour we’ve started eat at, since that means we’re out here around midnight and are covered in shadows. No need to freak out the local humans. What with the wards and new changes, I find comfort in the routine of shifting and running in my wolf form. It’s not something I’m used to doing often, but after last year, it wasn’t uncommon for me to hunt in wolf form for the sheer pleasure of it.

I feel that oneness now, as Blue and I trot to a slower pace at the end of the run. A perfect balance in me that seems to glow like a picture of health. Blue and I slow, our breaths puffing out in thick clouds of vapor as we pant. We cover the last portion of the mile for the fifteenth time, coming back to my tiny house on silent feet. Though there’s no one around that either of us can sense, we keep up the practice on predatory instinct.

As we slow to a walking pace, I take a moment to scan the edge of the woods, my eyes catching on the form of my mate at my side.

Blue’s greyish-brown wolf form is larger than it used to be, the power of an Alpha making him bulkier in this form and more like a medium-sized vehicle than any animal. But now that I’m an Alpha too, I note I’m also larger. Not as largely muscled, but I can feel the power in my limbs, the power of my Pack backing me up and strengthening me. I’m only slightly smaller than he is in this form, but I know I don’t have the usual coloring of any wolf I’ve ever seen.

The silver in my fur is more prominent now, still threaded well into the bright red, but there’s definitely more than there had been last time I shifted.

*What’s wrong?* Blue’s gentle voice murmurs in my mind. I release my previous train of thought and look up from where my eyes had dropped to my chest and see Blue watching me.

*Nothing, just thinking*… I reply, the hesitation of my reply giving away the direction of my thoughts. I really don’t know why I bother trying to lie to him anymore. Our connection is too deep to even try and pretend he doesn’t know what I'm thinking.

*You should try to get Nikki to talk to you about*… His own words trail off as he studies me with his silvery-grey gaze. *I’m sure she knows more than she lets on*.

*It worries me, but not enough to call her back so soon.* I admit, huffing aloud and sitting back on my haunches to look at him. *We’re going to have a monthly meeting, but I plan on using that up once the school schedule lines up better or I get some decent intel to share*. I explain the one excuse to why I haven’t summoned the Ancient yet.

But if I’m being perfectly honest, it’s more like I’m afraid to know the truth of this. Why she had to ‘bind’ my soul and why it became ‘unhinged’…well it freaks me the fuck out. More than I feel comfortable admitting aloud. The knowledge that Revenants are the result of a soulless vampire only worries me further. *What if that’s what’s happening? What if I screwed up when I used my powers to mess with time? What if that’s why it felt so wrong? Did I almost lose my soul? If so, how close am I to losing it? What if I lose it and*-

*Hey.* Blue cuts in just as I start to whine and hyperventilate. Well…pant irregularly. *It’s not going to happen, Red*. Blue closes the few feet that had been between us, his muzzle nosing into my neck and rubbing against the side of my face to soothe me. Without words of flowery reassurance, he lets me know just how much confidence he as that this will all end alright. I can feel, with an overwhelming clarity, his absolute belief in me and our abilities to get through anything and everything that comes our way.

I melt into him, literally. One moment, we’re in our wolf forms, and the next we’re standing in our human forms. His arms are now wrapped around me, holding me to his body as tightly as I am to his. For a long minute, we just stand there, holding each other and taking comfort in the peace of the night. I keep my face pressed into his neck, letting him rub soothing circles into my slightly-sweaty shirt.

Eventually, the moment ends, and we begin walking back to the back of the house, one arm still wrapped around each other. More and more frequently, I’m finding it harder to keep my hands off of him. I hadn’t noticed just how much I had been craving his touch until my Pack had returned to the Berner territory. Without the constant hum and bombarding physical presences of others, it’s easier to feel the space in the Pack meant for him. My mate.

It’s not a vacuum, like he has in his Pack. Khadija and Lee seem to add a balance to the empty hole, the two Betas take on the weight of that extra responsibility. And now I can almost feel how disruptive and disturbing it would be if I only had one Beta like Blue does. This haunts me as we wander into the dark house and get to the bedroom, moving on autopilot. But now, with my mind already on my Wolven problems, the air in the room feels heavier, more riddled with words unsaid than ever before.

Blue steps away first, giving me a little space as he flick on the bedroom light. My fingers go to the chain at my throat, the little metal bullet charm pressing into my fingers as I lean against the doorframe. Blue turns to face me, frowning a little and tilting his head as he catches me messing with the necklace he gave me. His eyebrow quirks in silent question, giving me the option to shake off the gesture or address it.

The fact that he gives me the out has me sighing in defeat as I explain.

“I was thinking,” I begin slowly, still pressing my shoulder into the solid part of the doorway for moral support. “About the power-vacuum.” I don’t have be specific about the topic, even though we haven’t really talked about the problem in a while. Blue’s face suddenly blanks, a note of caution returning to his eyes as he watches me, waiting for me to continue. I have to give him some credit. If the situation were reversed, I’m sure I would have freaked out on him. Or ran. But Blue’s not a runner. And I’m trying hard not to be anymore.

“I don’t think I understood what it would be like to have that kind of problem in a Pack until I became an Alpha.” I start with a sheepish smile. His eyes harden a little, the silvery spark in them blazing with a degree of intensity. I can’t tell if he’s pissed by my words or just thinking of something unpleasant, but I don’t let it deter me as I continue. “I know now. And it’s concerning.” I shrug, trying to lighten the mood.

“We’re dealing.” Blue replies coolly, face still unreadable. And when I tentatively lean into the mental connection, I feel a sort of muffling cloud that’s been erected. Not a permanent barrier, but it still makes me flinch. “I don’t want you to feel obligated to do anything about it.” Almost the second I flinch, Blue lets out a sigh and forces the barrier to dissipate. “We can handle it right now. I don’t want to rush things with us-”

“It’s been a whole year,” I mutter under my breath, my eyes darting away from his. I know just how hypocritical this sounds, but I point it out anyway. Blue chuckles and saunters over to stand right in front of me.

“The best things are worth the wait.” He murmurs, reaching out to cup my chin and raise my face to his. His eyes have warmed away from the chilling light and are now burning with another emotion that sets me on fire. I shiver as his words wash over me. “We’ve got time, Red.” He adds in a near-whisper. “Besides,” Blue’s voice gains a note of mischief. “We haven’t even finished high school yet.” It would be a perfectly good excuse if we were two humans, not Wolven.

“That so?” I ask with an eye roll so forceful my eyes actually ache after it. Blue lets out another chuckle, leaning in to skim his hot lips against mine before coasting his way along my cheek to my ear. Again, that intense need to complete the mating stirs in me, tightening all sorts of muscles.

“All in good time,” Blue tells me, the promise in his voice only winding me up further. But unlike the tension from the stress of everything that’s been going on, this one feels oddly pleasant. “But not yet.” He adds, pulling away so abruptly, I’m still leaning my face into the air when I realize he’s no longer there.

There’s a coldness left by his absence and a tsunami of disappointment. Frustration the likes of which I’ve never felt, smacks into me as I see Blue watching me from a few feet away. Seemingly unaffected. I realize he’s doing this on purpose as I stare at him, my eyes narrowing as I feel a little smugness from my mate. *Is this payback for my initial reluctance towards him? Or is this some sort of Scarlett-tailored reverse psychology bullshit to get me to cement the mating sooner?*

His eyes give nothing away, but by the way they’re dancing, I know he’s entertained. *Well…two can play this game.*

“Game on.” I hum under my breath, then brush past him on the way to the bathroom and start the shower, turning the dial until the water becomes hot.

I’m now spoiled by hot water, I realize, enjoying the feel of it on my skin. I find myself soothed by it’s heat, and wonder if it’s because I’m still so uncomfortable with the chill of my vamp side. I shake my head, deciding to file that train of thought away in the ‘for later reflection’ stack of ever-growing locomotives in my brain. I know I’m going to have to dissect them all at some point, but now’s really not the time.

I roll my neck and strip out of my sweaty clothes before stepping into the hot spray of water. Steam has filled the room so thoroughly, I’d swear I’m in a sauna…And maybe that’s why I freak when I see the shadowy form of the dark robe hanging on the back of the door out of the corner of my eye.

For a second, my heart stutters in my chest and an overwhelming surge of fear and self preservation shoots through me. My common sense is overpowered and I feel like my world’s spinning apart as my flight-or-fight response is triggered and even surpassed. I’m wound so tight that, for the briefest moment, I think it’s the Revenant there and not an inanimate object.

Logic flies out the window of my mind as the fear in me becomes something more intense. The odd ache in me that had eased returns with a fiery heat to my bones. I suddenly feel that stretching sensation deep inside me.

Without meaning to, I reach out as the prickles of the familiar chill flutter through me. Time slows around me, my fingers tangling in the chords that are suddenly everywhere. I nearly choke as my body flares with the chill and opposing heat from the vibrating-red chords. They’re all hot, all burning bright and defiantly as they brush at my skin.

With a sudden, jarring realization, I note that I’m not in control as the thick filaments drift around me. I’m not grasping onto any of them. I didn’t call up on the power this time. Not the way I had before. I reached, sure, but it wasn’t the same as before. It was more like I fell into the cracks of reality, not that I pulled myself through.

*And now*…I realize with a sinking fear…*I’m stuck*.