Chapter 17: Healing

It's been three days since I was admitted to the hospital. I initially wanted to go home after I finished the first iv drop but Shan insisted that I should stay longer at the hospital for a full recovery. I was hesitant at first but eventually agreed with him. I thought that it would be better to stay here longer than stay at my apartment with the fear that Fire might come anytime.

I’m not yet ready to see him again after what had happened between us. We separated that day without a closure on what will happen on our contract. I tried my best to get him off my mind as I stayed at the hospital with Shan constantly visiting me. He always brings me hot meals taken out from restaurants he said he frequently went before having me cook for him.

Shan has been empathetic towards me ever since I met him. Especially now that he knows something’s not going well with my life. I haven't told him anything despite his gestures toward me that says he's a good person that won't judge the shitty things I have done.

Shan would come and check on me every morning and would leave before I’ll go to sleep in the evening. He gives me company even if it might not be the best I could wish for. He’ll tease me until I turn red from anger and decide to be physical with him. I could not count the times he had picked up the pillows I have thrown in his direction nor the eye rolls I have given him. It felt like dealing with a kindergarten kid while being with him.

“You know you should just come and stay at my house and be my personal cook.” He suddenly said after our episode of bickering just ended.

My eyebrows arched. “Not in my apartment, but in my house.” He cleared. “My nanny whom I grew up with is residing there, she’ll teach you the ways how my household runs while you're working as my personal cook. And of course, you can still study while working.” He tilted his head, “A pretty good deal right?”.

I sighed. “I’ll have to decline that.” I looked straight at him, his black eyes were deep. Like a void with no beginning and ending.

“Why? Even if your salary would be a thousand dollars a month?” The numbers made me slightly falter for a second. “I’m open for a negotiation regarding your monthly salary though. I could raise it to the maximum, a thousand and five hundred dollars if you'd like.” He winked.

My brows furrowed. “Why me?” Was all I could ask.

“Why not you?” He shrugged.

I tilted my head in confusion. Shan sighed and looked up, as if he's searching for a good reason. “Because,” he paused, giving emphasis that he had his valid reason, “I want it to be you.” He said in a cheeky tone.

I don't want to admit it but I could see a flicker of resemblance in him to Fire. That confident look on their faces, thinking they could do anything with money. Unconsciously boasting the power they got that comes with having wealth. It made me cringe in my gut. Shan is different from Fire, that I know from the start. Fire is a wolf while Shan is a puppy. One is cunning while the other is a ray of sunshine. But I don't want to make the same mistake over again. Not when I just promised myself not to rely on others too much, especially being emotionally dependent on someone.

I smiled and nodded. I looked outside the window and let the afternoon sunlight bathed my face. From my side, I heard Shan’s sigh as he realized that my decision for his offer is already solid.

*“It's a pretty good deal.” And he's not wrong about that. It's just I’m not ready to accept one after what happened between me and Fire.

These past three days, I have been waiting. Waiting to hear from him, it might be a call or text telling me how angry he was or how pleased he is to break our contract and retrieve everything he has given me from the beginning of our deal. But I received nothing.

Half of me is relieved while the other is anxious. Half of me wants to stay away from him while the other badly wants to stay with him. Half of me tells myself to be strong and forget him while the other reminds myself of the sheer feeling of ecstasy he has given me. It's so ironic to wish to be comforted by the one who has hurted you. *I don't know anymore.* Perhaps I have always been broken inside.

My thoughts will always be filled by Fire before I go to sleep. I would occasionally check my cell phone in hopes of seeing a notification of a text message or a missed call from him. It drives me crazy how we ended things that day. I couldn't get a clear ending. I want him to tell me that everything is already over: our contract, our deal, and everything that happened between us. I want to say it to him loud and clear so that I would have no reason to hold on to it. But perhaps he hadn't found a reason to contact me after what happened.

As I looked at Shan soundly sleeping on the couch, it suddenly occurred to me how he just let me cry myself inside his car while driving me home after my argument with Fire. I could see him taking quick glances at me as I leaned on the glass window, letting my tears stream down my face. I heard not a single question from him. Until I wiped my own tears with the handkerchief he gave me when he noticed I was drying my face with my palm. His curiosity stayed with him until he dropped me off and watched me enter my apartment, and until he saw me fainted on the floor of my living room. He has stayed silent about that day until now, my last day in this hospital. He has seen me in the time where I will consider one of the lowest points of my life.

I averted my gaze when Shan shifted in his position. I thought he was waking up. When I looked at my phone, I saw a text notification from Lillian saying that we should hang out tomorrow.

I said I will go shopping with her after helping Shan with his groceries three days ago but I canceled it, telling her I suddenly called back to my province. I don't want to tell her the truth. Not yet. Maybe when I’m already healed from everything, when I’m no longer hurt everytime Fire comes in my mind then, I would make the whole thing known to her, and to Shan. Because I felt like I owed him a little explanation of what happened.