Chapter 24.1: Fire's POV

Fire’s POV

I lost it. I lost myself after seeing her with that guy. I knew better than anyone else how he loathed someone like her. And when I saw Solene hanging around with such a man, the trigger in my temper was instantly blown away. I was not myself as I dragged her outside of the mall to the parking lot. I can't hear my own self as I said those words to hear. Words that I knew tore her up inside by the way she responded and looked at me.

*“No, Fire. You don't own me. You may have my body anytime you want but that ends there. I have my own feelings and emotions. I have my own will. And that, you can't control.”* I could hear her voice saying this to me over and over again in my dreams. Telling me that she's not mine.

Was she ever mine though? Maybe through the contract? The first month of our deal was a bit awry and awkward but this past month, I swear I saw her eyes sparkle every time I walked towards her. I liked how we were the past month. How she started looking at me like I meant something to her. When she stopped looking at me like I’m only one of the terms and conditions in our contract that she must fulfill. I loved how her eyes tell me that I am more than that, that there's a chance that someone like me can be loved by her. That's what I believed.

Blood boiled in me when I saw her laughing with Shan inside the mall. If she only knew who he is, what kind of man he is. A punch of betrayal hit me when she seemed to be more fond of him than me. Was I not enough? Fuck! I know I’ve been a jerk. Maybe even worse than that. But dammit! I was trying to fix myself. I was trying to fix myself to be a better man for her.

*“Oh I see!” I chuckled. “It's because it's what you're good at.” I grinned, amusement was in my voice. “You're good at using, controlling, and manipulating me.”* Her shaking voice laced with despise echoed at the back of my brain.

Yes, I manipulated her. How could I even tell her everything when I’m so fucking afraid she’ll leave me after knowing the truth? I’m a piece of shit. I’m the worst. I was so mad I didn't even know what I was doing, or what I was saying until I found myself steering the wheel out of that parking lot. And in my side mirror, I could see Solene, leaving her alone in that place after I messed up and left because I was afraid to admit to myself that I don't know how to fix things that I’ve broken. I cowardly left her after finding out that I was not that important in her life. That she sees me only as someone who toyed with her body, feelings, and . . . life.

Two weeks have passed. I haven't contacted her since then. I never heard any news from her either. I wanted to know how she's doing. I badly wanted to see her, to tell her I’m sorry. To tell her that I didn't mean anything that I said that day. Tell her that it's all my fault for getting all worked up and ended up hurting her. I want to tell her that she was never just a toy to me, that she was never only a party to our contract. I wanted to tell her . . . that I love her.

But maybe I should just forget about it. In case she’s full of spite at me and decides to reject my feelings for her. I can't take that. I could endure almost anything but not her telling me that she doesn't feel the same way about me. I would choose to be hated by her forever than knowing that she has rejected my feelings. I have planned to leave things just like they were. To remain an asshole that Solene always knew. But I found myself joining our academic tour after finding out that the Architecture department, Solene’s department is coming too.

Our departments might not be able to even meet each other during the tour. But it's the slightest possibility that I might be able to see her that urged me to go. I was planning to drop out of school and go abroad to study there again just so that I will never see her again. But I knew I was greedy the moment I realized I was visiting the infrastructures and places that her department has gone to so that I could at least walk on the ground she has been before completely leaving her . . . her memories behind.

“Fire . . .” Her voice cracked as she whispered my name.

Her eyes looked down at me as she was on the higher level of the stair. She gripped the railings hard enough for her knuckles to turn white.

She looked at me differently. The kind and gentle face expression she always had is now gone from her face. I do wish to see that look on her before leaving.