Chapter 34: I Don't Love Her

Mufeeda tore her eyes off his arms that intimately snuck around Nadia's waist and the fact that his face was still buried in her neck as he rained down kisses she didn't want to think of. She felt as tears stung her eyes but she quickly suppressed them. She would cry, certainly, but not now. Not when it hadn't even started, for it to end.
Nadia cleared her throat and angled her head away from Hussain. This was the first time he did something, something a lover would have done and she wondered if it were from his heart or just that his body was acting to what it was feeling. "Twin," she said and slightly bit her lip. She had to get her head straight, she had referred to him as Twin times she didn't want to count. Hassan was her Twin, at least he owed her that, right?
"Umm? Are we about to miss our flight?" He asked dreamily and she felt the warm and hot trail of his lips along her jawline.
"I think you need to stop this," she whispered, aware of the way Mufeeda kept bubbling her throat in an attempt to stop her tears. She knew this was going to hurt her, but she was enjoying it a bit to stop it right away. "I think Mufeeda is here to see you." She added because she knew calling her name alone would have him flashed back into his senses. And it did work.
He looked up, the usual cold and distant Hussain taking over the Hussain that had just been warm and clingy and when their eyes met with Mufeeda, she felt a stab in her heart. Was it a wrong idea to come here today? She wasn't here because she had intended to keep on loving him, rather, she was here to confirm her suspicions and she needn't ask him about that anymore. He loved Nadia, and there was nothing he said or did to tell her he didn't that would make her believe him.
And from the looks of things, he had been in love with her for a very long time. Because the time they had spent together wouldn't have let him fall as deeply as she could see the love in his eyes. He must've had a secret all this while.
She smiled softly, "Good morning, Hussain." She wasn't going to refer to him as Second H anymore, he was Hussain to her. The man she had loved and was certain, that unless Allah had decided to replace him with someone better, she would always be in love with him.
"What are you doing here?" He asked, and when Nadia slightly pinched him in the stomach, he turned to her. She flashed him a soft smile that spoke so much to him. With her eyes, she told him that it was okay to speak to Mufeeda. That she would understand and he needn't be so rude to her.
But when she opened her mouth, all she did say was, "I'll get everything ready before you're done. We shall leave in time." She didn't look at Nadia when she turned and went back to her room. And reluctantly, Hussain walked into the living room.
He sat down on the sofa opposite hers and when he watched the way Mufeeda was fidgeting with her fingers, he sighed. He had to have this conversation with her for the last time, "Are you here for something?" He asked, his voice bringing her out of her reverie.
She palmed her face and took several breaths to calm herself down, "I love you, Hussain." Her voice croaked while she spoke and he shot her a look that told her how displeased he was by hearing those words, she smiled sadly. "I know I'm the last person you'd want to hear that from, but that's something I couldn't change about myself. Believe me, if I was capable of stopping myself from loving you, all those years of pain wouldn't have been endured by me."
He grimaced and shot her a cold look, "I can't remember ever giving you some hope, Mufeeda. From the very first day, I've made it clear to you that I won't be able to respond to your feelings and even asked you to stop yours because they'd likely not be appreciated, didn't I?"
She felt a stab in her heart and wiped at the first tear that successfully rolled down to her cheeks. "You've always said the words that know exactly where to stab." She dabbed her palm on her face, "Anyways, I came here to tell you that I'm no longer going to be in love with you." He instantly shot her a surprised look, as if he couldn't believe that was coming out of her mouth. And she chuckled before she continued, "It won't be easy, trust me. It'd feel like hell and I would want to revoke my words, but no. I'd keep on trying until I wake up one day and find out that I'm no longer in love with you."
"I pray that Allah gives you the ability to. And I sincerely pray he makes it easy for you." He didn't have to look so serious for her to know that he meant the prayers. His sincerity echoed in his words.
"But for the last time we're having a conversation related to me being in love with you, can I please ask you a few things?" He hesitated, so she added, "It'd help me in moving on and healing, please."
Hussain sighed as he wondered all this while what she had done wrong. All she did was loving him, he thought. "Sure, but you need to be fast, we shouldn't miss our flight."
"Oh, flight." She mused sadly and masked her pain. "I want to ask you, the woman you've once told me that you're in love with, is it Nadia?"
Mufeeda could swear that she had the sound his bones make while he abruptly shot her a stare. He seemed discombobulated as if he had never imagined someone to say that to him or point out what was pretty obvious? "What are you saying?" He asked in a raspy breath and quickly added, "I know she's my wife, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm in love with her. And that conversation..." He let his words trialled off as he tried to catch his breath.
She smiled sadly, but at this point, she couldn't stop her tears. She knew he had just said that he wasn't in love with Nadia, but Mufeeda could swear that even if he had said that to Nadia's face, she wouldn't be hurt. Because deep down, she'd know that there wasn't an iota of truth in his words. But it always hurt like hell whenever he looked into her eyes and told her he wasn't in love with her, because each time, he meant it and wouldn't mind saying it a thousand times over. But she had sensed his hesitation when he said he wasn't in love with Nadia.
"I know we had the conversation almost two years ago, and by then, they were only a newly married couple with First H, but let's have this out of the blue. I've been in love for so long to know what it looks like even if the other person is trying to hide that with his whole life." She looked at him dead in the eyes before she spoke, "You're in love with Nadia, and not after you got married to her. Rather, you've been in love with her maybe even before she got married to your twin."
"Mufeeda!" His eyes were a shade of blood due to the anger he felt and she smiled sadly. "You should know that there's a limit to how much you can say to me. Just because you've been claiming to love me doesn't mean you have the guts to tell me whatever you like!"
She had to clench her eyes shut. So, after all these years, he thought she had only been 'claiming' to love him? Wow! Just wow! She cried because it pained so much because, despite everything, she wanted to run into his arms to find comfort. "So, you think I've been claiming to love you just because I've pointed out what's pretty obvious? You're in love with Nadia, reveal it or not!"
They both were on their feet as she cried an ocean while she stared directly into his eyes. And what she realized was, he didn't want anyone to know that he was in love with Nadia, didn't even want to admit it to himself. She knew it would cause a rift, maybe, between them. Because as much as they would like to put it behind their lives, the loss of First H was still afresh in their hearts and knowing that he loved her would only thicken the clouds of guilt in both their minds and Nadia would feel disgusted of herself.
She wouldn't have to be the only one that's going to feel this pain, even if for a little while, she'd make sure she caused a rift between them. And she didn't care that the weapon she had to use was his love for Nadia.
"I'm saying this to you as calmly as I can compose myself, get a hold of yourself! Do you even know the intensity of what you've just said!" He thundered and she took a step to the door.
"I think your pretty wife deserves to know that her husband has been in love with her, even before she got married to his Twin and now..." She turned with an enigmatic look in her eyes, "Just imagine what she'd think now that you've finally gotten her and your Twin, bless his soul, is no more..." She was about to take another step when Hussain yanked her by her wrist back into the living room and pulled her close enough for her to feel the heat radiating from his body.
"This should be the last time I'm hearing this from you. I'm not in love with Nadia, dammit, Mufeeda!" He roared angrily and threw her onto the sofa, yelling his words out, totally forgetting that Nadia might hear him. "I'm not in love with Nadia! I do not love her! Get a freaking grip of yourself!"
Nadia staggered back as she heard the echo of his words in the hollow confine of her chest. Pain, bare at its utmost anguish point hit her nerves and she had to hold the door by her side. Maybe he sensed her presence, for his bloodshot eyes slowly turned to where she stood, staring at him unbelievably and she watched something moved in his eyes. Guilt, pain and regret.
Nadia wanted to break down, right there in front of them and have a fountain made of her tears, but that could wait, right? She had a flight to catch, and in a few hours, she would be in the loving arms of her mother, where she could cry all she wanted and everyone would think it was because she had miss home.
She didn't know why it pained the way it did. What was she expecting before? They both knew they didn't love each other, right? But hearing this from him felt as if it was Hassan that looked right into her eyes and told her he didn't love her. Slowly, she shook her head, she had almost an hour flight to think of a thing and agonize over them before she had the privacy to cry to her fill.
"We have less than thirty minutes to our flight. I'll be waiting for you in the car." She didn't spare any of them a glance as she walked out of the chamber with a fake smile plastered on her lips.
She was aware of his steps behind her but she didn't turn until she got to Hajia's chamber and everything happened so fast. In a minute, she had heard the biggest and most painful revelation of her life and the next, she was seated beside Hajia in the car as they drove to the airport. Mufeeda claimed to be having a headache and excused herself, but she didn't care about her anymore.
Funny, how she thought that Mufeeda was the one he didn't love and maybe, he might have a liking for her or whatever it was she secretly hoped for. Turned out they both held the same position in his heart, he both didn't love them. If not because of the rasped decision Hajia had taken, nothing would've had Hussain embroiled his life with someone like her.
She hugged Hajia tightly when they were about to be separated and wiped at Sohila's tears. "We'll miss you, Anty Heela, I'll make sure he doesn't forget you." She laughed and they both hugged each other.
She was aware of his eyes on her, but she wasn't interested in anything related to him. And more than ever, she had missed her Twin. She wanted the comfort she was only able to get from him and right now, she hugged Baby H as tightly as she could before she boarded their plane and she wished she could change her seat with someone, but that would look weird.
"Nadia..." She heard his voice after their plane had taken off and she turned to him with a feigned smile.
"I don't know what you're about to say but you really don't have to. It isn't like I was expecting something else from you. We just have three months to live together, remember? It wouldn't even be healthy if any of us starts to catch some weird feelings that would certainly not end well."
He opened his mouth to speak again when she brought Baby H closer to her chest and closed her eyes, feeling as the havoc his words had wrecked in her heart was trying to surge a tsunami in her soul. "I'm sleepy, please." That was it, the lips shutter she threw at him and he seemed to swallow whatever it was he had to say. And for the rest of their flight, Nadia had her eyes closed, afraid that if she made the mistake of opening them, nothing would stop her from breaking down right in front of him.