Chapter 47

Hussain jolted upright, his forehead a bed of sweats. He had had a dream, and in his dream, Hassan had appeared with the most beautiful of smiles. He looked so much better than he had done in his entire life that Hussain could remember, and he glowed with happiness. Twin!" He rushed and hugged him, taking Hussain off guard a bit. He told him of how much he had missed him here and if not that coming to him would mean leaving their family behind, too, he would have prayed he joined him.
He spoke of how happy he was, and told him all the beautiful things that hussain wished were real, he really prayed that all the good things Hassan had told him in his dream were experienced by him and it was a sign from Allah that he was in his bliss. Even though Hassan was smiling and happy, all Hussain did was cried, because he couldn"t believe it.
And when they were about to part, Hassan held his hand warmly and smiled. I know what you"re feeling, Hussain, but don"t, okay? You"re in love with her, you"ve always been. And she"s the only person that you could open to and be happy with, please don"t hold yourself back." He lightly smacked his arm, And why in the world are you feeling guilty? She"s your wife now, make her so happy and tell her that I love her, and the child, he should look like us. Tell Hajia that her prayers are everything and more, I can"t thank her enough. And for Sohila, the well she built for me, may Allah reward her with Jannah. As for you and Nadia, I truly have no words. I have the best family, and if I hadn"t left people like you behind, I wouldn"t have been able to live so comfortably here. Please, you all should live a long and happy life."
He broke into a pits of tears when the words began to echo into his mind. He cried until his chest threatened to suffocate him and he wished he could go back to sleep and hug Hassan, just one last time. He wished he were at home now, he would have held her and told her the dream he had, she would have cried with him.
He remembered the last words Hassan had told him on the phone before he succumbed to the hands of death. His words were barely audible, but none of them cared, because he can not even speak at all, but Hussain was certain he would have heard his words in his soul. Hussain...Second H, I love you, okay? I love you so much and I wish I could see you this last time, but Allah hadn"t ordained for that to happen. But I'm thankful that I could hear your voice." He coughed lightly and Hussain could feel the way his heart was shattering as though it hadn"t happened months ago, as though he were speaking to Hassan just now.
What are you saying, Hassan? I love you too, but you"re going to get better, okay? You"ll overcome this, you have to!" He was crying so badly and his words weren"t so much audible either.
I just want to tell you a few things, okay? I'm running out time, okay? I've left a letter in your bedroom, I've had this feeling gnawing at me and I wrote it incase something like this happened, and I'm right. Please, take care of Hajia and Sohila while I'm gone, don"t let them grieve for too long, okay? And for you..." Hussain could hear the sound of his tears as they fell and the way he softly and painfully cried. I wish I would stay here with you, Hussain. I wish we could do all the things we said we will together, build our houses together, stay by each other"s side until we all turn grey, remember that plane we said we"d buy? I wish I could buy it with you..."
Hussain screamed softly, Stop talking this way, Hassan! You"ll live, I'm certain about that." But Hassan didn"t even reply that, because they all knew that Hussain was merely comforting himself.
I want you to do all the things you"ve always wanted, don"t ever let my demise stop your dreams. I know clearly how you"ve grieved the loss of Baba, and if it hadn"t been that I was by your side, you wouldn"t have been able to come out of that shell. So now, you have Nadia by your side, she"s the best wife everyone will ever wish for, and then you have a child too, don"t you?" He was coughing the words out, and each time, it seemed clear to both of them that the time was getting nearer.
I do, and thank you for giving me a child, First H. But no, we"re going to raise that child together, okay? Both you and I, and your wife, of course." His words were a muffled sound due to how he was crying, but Hassan didn"t stop, he wanted to get everything out of his chest before it was too late.
I want you to marry her, Hussain. I don"t want her to get into someone"s else and be treated badly, she"s a gem, you see? Take care of her for me, and for your child, he shouldn"t bear my name, he or she is yours, please."
Why are you doing this? What are you saying, Hassan?"
That I'm going to die, and I want you to read the shahada for me. How I wish we"re leaving together, it would have been fun. We stayed in the womb and on earth together, but I'd be waiting for you, let"s meet and live in Jannah, okay?"
At this rate, Hussain couldn"t even speak, he was crying so bad that he could as well pass out. Hassan, First H, First Baba, will you please stop talking like this? You"re hurting me, and you"ve never hurt me before."
Say the shahada for me, Hussain, please?"
With a croaked voice and an aching heart, Hussain began reciting the shahada, feeling as though it were his last words too. La Ilaha illallah...Muhammadur rasulullah..." And just like that, as crest fallen as it may made him feel, he recited the last words his brother and other half had ever voiced out in his life.
And now, after having that dream, Hussain wished to coil into a fetus position until he cried his grief out. He cried until he couldn"t shed any more tears and remembered the letter Hassan had mentioned about, he had never even bothered about it. Just that, since he had seen it, he had taken it with him almost everywhere he knew he would have to spend the night.
And right now, he was in Ontario, Canada, and he wished he could fly back to Florida right this instant. He hadn"t been home for a week now, and even though they were almost always on phone with her unless he was flying, he still missed her. But tonight, he needed her, to have her hands around him until he had cried his grief.
With tentative hands, he pulled the letter out of his bag and stared at the white piece in terror. He didn"t know what he would see inside, even though he knew Hassan would never hurt him with his words. But he was bruised by his death, and right now he was a mess of his grief, but he"d rather grieve once and for all tonight.
He opened the letter and cleared away his tears to have a clear vision. And the words, even though written to soothe his heart, broke him all over.
Hey, Big Man!
Your elder" brother here, lol. You don"t have to scowl your face, we all know I'm the eldest even though it"s just a few minutes. First, I'd talk about myself, I have this unknown feeling gnawing at me, Hussain, and tonight, I can"t even sleep. I don"t want to talk to you about this or anyone because I don"t want y"all being sad about it, so I opted for writing it, so that when it happens, you"d see and read it for yourself.
I feel like I'm going to die, I keep having dreams and thoughts and my conscience telling me that. I'm not taking it as nothing, I'm seriously walking on my path to Allah with all hopes of forgiveness, so don"t worry, okay? In case it happens, join me in thanking Allah, for he has given me a notice for me to better my akhirah, Alhamdulillah.
Now, about you. I'd like to apologize first, Hussain. For, ever since I knew, I had been feeling so guilty and I didn"t know how to say the words to you, but here I am writing them, hopefully you"d read it after my death. Be it now or in years to come. Remember the lady you told me about? The one you'd fell head over heels for? And you told me the first time you saw her, you took a picture of her and left the camera in Cairo, but whenever you get the chance you"d bring it back for me to see? I saw the picture, Hussain. And now it occurs to me, if I hadn"t been in a rush to take you to see Nadia that first time, which was obviously the time you brought the camera back home, I would have been able to see that it was her, and I would never, for the life of me, get married to her.
But I mistakenly saw the camera in your wardrobe two days ago, and just like you described it, her, the environment, it was the same. You were really in love with her, why didn"t you tell me? Why was I so blinded by love not to realize all the things you"ve said had collated with her? Why was I not aware of how sad your eyes looked that day and how cold you"ve turned towards her afterwards, which was so unlike you not to like the person I love. I'm so sorry, Hussain, I really am. Please forgive your First H, okay?
Just like you"ve sacrificed your happiness for me, because we all know if you had said she was the one I'd never marry her, I wish I could do the same for you. But in Islam, as you know, it"s forbidden for one to divorce a woman for another, and it that happened, she"s forbidden for that man. I would have divorced her for you, wallah. I really would have done that, Hussain. Please forgive me, I feel so terrible for unknowingly taking away your happiness.
I know you may be mad at me for this, but I'll tell Hajia that incase something happens to me, she should make sure to get you two married. I'm aware of how you obviously" hate each other, but I know my twin has a charming heart, she"d fall easily for you. And no, not because you have my face and she"s already in love with me. But because you"re you, and I'm certain she"d love you for who you are, not a shadow of Hassan Abdulhameed Alkali.
And when you marry her, I'd not forgive you if you ever feel guilty about that for once, okay? She"s yours to keep, to love and make a family with. I would have said to make love to, but lol! Do we ever talk about all those sexual things? I happen to have a brother that shows himself as one cold man that isn"t interested in women, funny how he"s still stuck with one woman that he thinks she may never be his. Even if I don't die recently, be it in ten or twenty years, even if you two are old, I want you to marry her and at least extinguish the fire burning in your soul for the love you have for her, okay? I love you, Hussain, and I love her too, and the child that maybe yours to claim and love, please make sure you stay strong and happy. Life is too short to stay unhappy or bounded with grief, okay? Smile often, it makes you look so boyish and charming.
With so much love,
Your First Baba, First H, Twin and other half,
Hassan Abdulhameed Alkali."