Chapter 60 All too much

Lucas has been temperamental since losing his mother, emotional rollercoaster to the least. I'm trying my best to comfort him, I know he appreciates it, he's having a hard time adjusting, as for alpha Brandon well he's just turned angry and bitter towards everyone. He blames me for not saving her in which it hurts deeply but I had to respect her wishes, Lucas get between the arguments and defends me which is some comfort. I just get that not belonging feeling wash over me again from time to time. It's not just them trying to mourn a loss, I saw her as my mother too, which hurt deeply she always made me feel welcome, warm and fuzzy like a mother should. I feel more and more problems arising as we go on. Roman has made an attempt to enter the pack failing miserably. I know he's going to get tactical soon which will probably fail too since we have no routine here at present, but also everyone feels weaker and is still trying to adjust to their Luna's passing which leaves the pack vulnerable. What are we going to do. Then we have the added weight neither of us have been able to bring ourselves to open our letters from his mother before her passing.

***"Beautiful we have the council meeting this weekend I hope you didn't forget, father will not be attending and it's us representing the pack Mateo and Libby will be joining us."*** oh crap I forgot about that my mind has been else where, ***"okay no worries I'll have a look over some of the paperwork to prepare, is there anything in particular that needs addressing?"*** At this point I'm getting used to doing most the paperwork as Lucas can't keep focused and just gets angry and Brandon well has no intention of doing anything I'm glad it keeps me busy really. ***"Have a look over the Birchgrove pack, I think they have submitted some adjustments, also I believe the black shadow pack have filed motion to join the union which I would like a way to put a stop to if you could my precious Luna"*** I just nod and head to the kitchen to make up a cuppa before I swarm myself with paperwork, this could take a while letting out a sigh.

Paperwork has been taking that much longer than usual, so many different proposals, some in our benefit others dont affect us at all. Birchgrove pack which is one of our adjacent packs wants extra security in return giving extra supplies, question being why they haven't given reasoning to the proposal, that may be something I'll have to speak to them about before we accept. The black shadow pack wants to become a member of the union, thats Lucas concern as to why? we don't know much and have us cutting all deals with them makes the move all the more suspicious. They have always managed alone and never needed anyone, never wanted any help why now? perhaps if we speak with a few other packs and see what their thoughts on the idea are considering it could possibly pose a threat to other packs. So much work, I haven't had time for the girls either which is kinda sad I miss them, I'm always too busy at the moment. Thoughts creeping into my head is this what is expected of me all the time, I mean Lucas hasn't been of help either but I do understand he's grieving.

After a few calls, I finally getting some sort of sense, the Birchgrove pack have been losing pack members as we did, perhaps Jackson found some connections to them too, so we'll agree in order to protect us and their pack and made the proposal of, if either of our packs are to be ambushed the other will support in battle to which they have agreed also. The mayback pack always have our back as we do them as always, along with a few other packs supporting in different ways. Finally there are many of packs voting to dismiss the Black shadow pack motion, due to the lack of benefits they would provide to others while taking in all the benefits themselves they have nothing to offer anyone, so that should be dismissed. That's it for today I can't do anymore I best update Lucas when he gets back he's probably training by now before we head for food.

Lucas was late getting back so we just rushed to get down for dinner no time for a chat about my findings through todays work. Mateo linked me expressing his concerns for Lucas following the death of his mother he hasn't really done anything by train eat and sleep, I can't deny I have my concerns too. I thought maybe he just needed more time but I'm not so sure plus his dad still refusing to give him the title and just being an ass towards everyone, Lucas had no one but me to really turn to for support. I explained to Mateo that he had been going to the orphanage alot lately too, maybe it was giving him some comfort we both thought. Perhaps I will talk to him tonight and see what response I get from everything.

We both sat with a cuppa with me nestled into him and a blanket over us while we watch some TV. I can feel he's still got alot of tension, but we needed to speak about it all, he's not been able to bring himself to do anything really he's not talking to anyone really and just gets on with it. He's hurting and needs to let it go. ***"Lucas, can we talk please baby" "yes what's the matter beautiful" "Everyone is worried about you, you keep shutting yourself off from everyone" " Amelia I don't know how you want me to respond I lost my mother, my father hates me, there are threats toward you and this pack, I have so many things going through my head at once and people expect me to be okay"*** he began shouting towards the end. ***"Lucas your father is just angry, I don't know how you expect him to hand a title over when your not capable of looking after yourself let alone a pack. I work tirelessly doing all the paperwork for this pack between you and your father piling on me. I have no time for me while I'm running around doing everything by myself, I have no time to grieve I see her as my own mother too you know"*** I almost let myself raise my voice, managed to control myself just about. Lucas just stood there watching me, probably trying to think how he was going to respond. ***"Amelia, how can you even make this about you?, you have no idea how this feels!"*** he snapped, that's right he just took that dig because I don't have a mother. ***"no lucas I'll never know how it feels, I never had a mother but when I thought I had as close as I was gonna get I lost her too but I'm the one thats carrying everyone's weight around here sorting this pack out making sure everyone knows what's what, making sure all our paperwork is completed, I'm the one doing all the work, why you might ask because I was doing it all for you and this pack, your mother wouldn't have wanted this place to fall apart I took it upon myself to do, your father blames me, I blame myself while you just willow in self pity while everyone walks on egg shells around you and your father not knowing how to react"*** my emotions just poured out, anger frustration and now loneliness again. ***"I need to go I can't stay here and act like everything is fine."*** I slam the bedroom door and start to pack a bag. ***"Amelia wait you can't..." "no Lucas you pushed it too far, you've shown no appreciation toward me, you haven't even asked about what my conclusions were for today and the up coming meeting, I need to get away, I need to think"*** Lucas just looks at me blank unsure how he's going to react, he just walks out on me there's my answer not a care given.

**Nikki can I stay with you, I need space from all this drama. Yeh of course what has he done to push you out. thank you I'll explain inabit shouldn't be long.

As I finish off packing my bag, tears streaming down my face, feelings of loneliness, emptiness and anger just taking over completely, I feel like shutting off the world, I want to hide, hide in a dark corner and forget I existed at this point. I just need to get away perhaps I'll feel better, I'll stay with Nikki for tonight then I'll go to Nina and Rich house, perhaps I'll feel better in a few days. so I grab my bag, wipe my tear stained face, I head for the door, Lucas tries to stop me leaving, he looks broken but I am too he did this, I've stayed strong too long, I can't keep it up anymore.