Chapter 76 Getting around my head

I stood there expressionless, Amelia curled up sobbing her poor heart out, I feel my heart breaking watching her like that, what have I done who did I become? Does everyone know bar me? I try to edge myself closer to attempt to comfort her. Instead Nathan stops me again and fear pouring through me from Amelia, she's actually scared of me, I've screwed everything up. She can't even look at me, I did this, but it's her own fault, she's the reason everything is so messed up. ***"We will discuss this tomorrow!"*** I snapped once again. I turn on my heel and leave with anger soaring through me .

I sat on the bed fisting my hair, I'm gonna be a dad this is the best thing that could ever happen so why do I feel so angry? It's almost as if I already hate my own pup. Surely this isn't a normal reaction, apparently your supposed to fall in love all over again, even looking at Amelia I feel sick, almost a mix of hatred and love, it hurts so bad not to have her near but I don't know if I can move on after everything she caused all this. Does no body see that? I'm so messed up I could use Ma right now she's not listening to me, or I was just imagining her before either way I still needed her and her guidance. I fall asleep in my thoughts.

I'm awoken by the light shininng through the curtains, still a little angry after last night I turn over to find still no Amelia, my bed is empty, I feel empty. I pull myself out of bed and grab myself some breakfast. I sigh hard looking at the pile of dishes I haven't done in days and head down to training field to work off some of the stress and tension looming over me. Evan helps out with my training session. ***"Come on Lucas focus" "I'm trying" "your not focused at all today you've been off for a while but today it's all going wrong, what's bothering you?" "nothing let's just keep going" "no I'm not training you when your not in the right frame of mind" "well I'll train alone then" "you know what you do that, but your attitude, behaviour and leadership is going to hell, you’ve lost alot of respect from most your pack recently, you need to take a long hard think of who you want to be, the Lucas we all knew, loved and respected or your father the one who everyone feared and hated" "Why is everyone telling me this? I'm the same Lucas as before" "No your not, the Lucas before didn't talk down to people, took the pack seriously, treated his mate with respect ad treated her like she was the only thing that mattered, now I look at you I see your father angry, bitter, disresepectful and no regard for anyone but himself I believe that's the reason you wanted to take your rightful place to rid everything of the aminosity but turns out everyone was wrong it hasn't changed a bit. I'm done with this come back to me when you've discovered yourself again."*** I growl loudly in frustration questioning everything about myself, am I really becoming my father? **yes you are, why do you think I'm not helping you?, I can't even stand being a part of you at the moment, you hurt mate, your failing your pack, you are an absolute disgrace to your bloodline.** Everything falls silent, I have no words to even begin to express how angry I am. No one understands what I'm going through not even Damon. I've lost my mother, I took my own fathers life for this poxy title which I'm apparently shit at. I'm being told I'm turning into my father, my pack hates me, my wolf hates me and to top it off my mate wont even come home to me and people dont understand why I'm like I am right now. Anger starts to fire up through my veins, the rage soaring through, I decide to push myself on the training apparatus.

Slowly feeling more myself, I feel waves of calmness and tranquility rushing through me, although it doesn't feel like mine, it must be Amelia's she hasn't felt this relaxed in a while and there's only one thing I know that's going to have this affect on her and that's the gym. I decide to head over to watch her a little while, I miss her, my heart aches for her but she caused everything I dont know if I can forgive her for all this. She looks amazing when she does floor routines, but this one is different, it's as if she's expressing herself through her routine, I can see the pain in her face, the ache in her body. She looks broken, broken beyind repair, it tugs on my heart strings, I see tears falling down her cheek, it doesn't stop her though, she continues through her pain and dispair, slowly seeing her routine change, from desperate and broken to determined and complete it's almost like she's telling a full story. My heart breaks a little as I start to shed tears, Am I really the cause of all her pain? I'm so torn and now there has to be a pup in the mix. I didn't even ask any details I know nothing, how could she hide all this from me?. This is just adding to her betrayal. I notice Nova walking up to her she must have agreed to training sessions earlier than she planned, I grit my teeth she better not harm our pup.

I let the water trail down my body, thoughts going through my head everyones comments fluttering around making me feel uneasy, it's only me that can rationalise my behaviour maybe I have been out of order, maybe it had been my fault all along maybe if I had taken my chosen mate we wouldn't be in this position maybe I wouldn't have had all these problems. I break down in tears in the steamy room, so steamy I can barely see anymore, perhaps I had been in the shower too long. I turn the water off and exit the shower. I reach for the soft cotton towel and wrap it around my waist. I begin to feel a little unsteady so I head to take a seat on the bed. I feel myself returning to normal, must have been the hot shower making me uneasy, I dry myself off and get myself into comfortable clothing.

I've spent hours doing absolutly nothing now and it's not just boring but extremely lonely, perhaps one of the boys will come over. **Anyone fancy a drink in mine? I'll be over shortly just gotta finish off a few bits for the pack while Amelia is busy as soon as she's back I'll be over. Sorry not tonight. No worries catch you inabit mat, see you in training Nath** I havn't really spoken to Nathan since our little tiff, I apologised and understood why he did it, but I'm not happy he kept it from me for one and two, he should never disobey me. I'm the alpha around here.

Mateo turned up, ***"hey bro, how are you?" "alright I guess doing my best to help out around here so getting tired more these days, what about you? how are you holding up?" "pretty shitty I guess just got so much going through my head, I don't know where to turn anymore" "your aŵn ass at the moment Lucas theres no denying that" "I just dont know why people are saying this do you not understand what I've been through?" "yes Lucas we all know what you’ve been through you lost your Ma yes that hurt us all, Amelia got kidnapped but that's all fine now, you still have Jackson on your tail, You killed your father for the right reasons may I add. We all thought the nonsense would have calmed down with your father gone but instead, Amelia is trying her best with running the pack and because she's trying to do everything alone I stepped up. She is my Luna and friend too while I don't even know what she is to you anymore, you treat her like trash, she deserves better after all she's done is try to help you and you throw everything in her face then last night was the icing on the cake. You really hurt and scared her. Everyone is walking on eggshells around you because your snapping for no reason" "how can you not see if I didn't mate her I wouldn't be in this mess, If i had taken the mate Da wanted me too I wouldn't have had to do it" "you still don't see it do you, you were so determined to make sure Amelia would bend over backwards for you, and she was the best thing that happened to you, she brought your smile back, your confidence and your life, now you wan²t to throw it all away". "It's not like that it's more complicated atleast in my head it is" " your the one that's complicating it no one else" "I don't know bro last night was pretty unforgettable for her so I don't know how she's reacting" "she hid the fact she's pregnant" "you also assaulted her while she is carrying your pup, Lucas your going down hill fast, I'm still here for you bro but seriously you need to sort yourself out, take a long hard look at yourself and your actions recently and then tell me you feel the same way after" "that's just it I'm trying my best to see where everyone is coming from but, she is the centre of this, she caused all this misery and pain" "no Lucas your causing yourself to be like that not her" "please just go think about things and ask your mother what she would be telling you"