Chapter 68

Then my heart beat faster. He spilled it out too early. I wasn't even prepared. He just broke down the wall I built between the two of us.
I've tried my best to guard it with all the means. But that wasn't enough to hide for life a secret that others never wanted to know.
I don"t know when, how, in what way and where it all started. One day I just woke up with a hidden joy when following his every move. Whenever you see his smile, just simple gestures, even the joking frown.
The longer I had my eyes on him, the bigger my feelings grew.
And it's so unhealthy for me! Knowing that I had a boyfriend.
I love Zion, but Spencer has often really messed up his mind in the past. It only got worse after he kissed me in the hospital and saved me.
Everytime I am near him, I felt like my heart will gonna explode due to the overflowing emotion. Things I have never experienced in Zion every time we are together.
There is the thrill and there is no equal joy when I face him. But sometimes that pain and doubt prevail.
I get hurt every time he leaves for work. Things suddenly come to mind that make one doubt oneself.
What if he has an accident at work?
What if the opponent meets them?
What if he never comes back?
What if he can find someone more than me?
I will be left alone ...
Some of the thoughts that bother me can be taken aside with the help of Spencer"s images.
Until I realized, I am already having an infatuation on him from afar despite his bad deeds. He has been my support in the moments of longing for Zion. What he does has been my refuge whenever I feel the insignificance of my own girlfriend's life.
I am happy with Zi. Especially when we get to the hideout and be with him all night. I saw how much it loved me. He filled the gap during those moments missing several months to serve the country.
I was able to put aside admiring Spencer in those moments. In fact I wholeheartedly married Zi to officially break the illicit admiration for her.
As I spoke my vow, I also promised to erase all my unwanted feelings over this jerk. It is wrong to like others. The absence of Zi's absence was not the right reason for me to look for Spencer with the strange thrill that could not be captured.
I know my limits. I am well aware of my boundaries.
Not until we held eyes for the first time.
Not until I finally got to see him in person.
Not until he dared initiate a kiss.
It was a simple thing compared to what Zi and I had done, but the effect was different.
Unintelligible, inexplicable feeling. At that moment, he didn"t know how hard I was holding back from running away. He didn't know how he made my heart beat excessively.
Just calm down, but it's like I'm going to die of nervousness.
And those feelings made me so guilty. I sinned against Zi. I am not the better girlfriend he needed. I don't deserve his love.
So to cut the agony, I decided to just end our relationship. I thought that would be better to avoid hurting him more at a time when I was probably feeling differently.
He is still the only one sitting on the throne of my heart, but another image is at the forefront of my mind.
I don't want to be unfair. I don"t want to stay next to him while someone else cares. I don't want to pretend here every day that he is the only one to be loved even if my conscience bothers me.
He has the right to be happy. He has the right to be loved completely, because he is a very good person.
"Why do you even have to enter the scene?" I said after a moment of silence.
"Because you have to wake up? I'm the one you like, right?"
He moved his face even closer. It's just a little bit and we're really kissing.
That's when I realized I needed to pull back. But he firmly pinned me on my position.
The closer his lips got to ours, the more I realized the answer to the question.
I run out of choice. I could do nothing but let him do what he wanted. I mean, I didn't do something to shut him up.
As our lips crashed, I finally found the answer. As I felt his palm on my body, I saw the missing word. And as I closed my eyes, letting him do what he want, I visualized ahead my future.
In the depth of darkness, I found the right man I wanted to spend my life with.
I just got blinded. I thought he really was. By the way.
I felt sorry
I am so sorry ...
I woke up in an unfamiliar room. The sound of the aircon serves as noise throughout the place. Almost everything is black, including the sofa and mini table. This room smells of men's perfume. Not too brave, not that fragrant either.
I don't remember sleeping here last night.
I frowned to get up. Secretly depreciated after feeling a headache.
"Argh, hangover!" I growled.
What happened last night? I don't remember a thing.
I squinted to myself. I felt a pang of pain down there. Does that mean-
Next I turned over the clothes I was wearing and just let out a violent sigh.
Oh my God!
Why am I wearing a different T-shirt? Where are my clothes ?! I still have my panty on, but this is not enough evidence to say nothing else happened.
Where is Spencer?
It came right out of the bathroom. Wearing robe to cover his nudity. Her hair was still wet and messy when she approached me.
"Good morning," he said huskily.
"What did you do to me?"
"What do you think?" he asked back. He craned his neck and shameless roamed his eyes around my body.
"Answer me properly Spencer, did something happen?" irritated I stood up in bed.
I know the answer e. My personality feels the truth. I just want to confirm.
"You woke up in my bed, wearing my shirt with pain on your body. What else do you think that means?"
I chewed on my bottom lip.
What have I done to myself? Is this really Geline Neilani?
How fast can I give up?
"Don't act too innocent. You-"
"Let's not see each other again," I jumped out of the bed. One by one they snatched the clothes scattered on the floor, then came out.
"I am just kidding alright?"
Not a word from him did I hear. Just walk straight to the living room.
"What, let's get even. I don't want you to get mad."
Lucky and he left the car key on the mini table. I didn't hesitate to take it. If he doesn't get a ride home, that's his problem. The important thing is that I can get out of here right now.
What am I really doing to myself?
Why am I tormenting my own soul?
You are such a disappointment Gee!
"Starting tomorrow at the Villa you'll stay," Fergus said bluntly even before I sat on the sofa.
"I told Kiesha that you are just staying in my place. That I hired the best doctor in town to look after you. Just like what you asked."
I begged her not to tell Kiesha what was really going on in the course of life. It would be better for him to just tell me that my condition is not good. That I am still in so much trauma. Still can't speak and just crying crying.
That was partly true. There isn"t a day that I don"t lock myself up and cry in the bedroom. The wrong decisions were deeply regretted.
"Okay," was my only reply.
"You know Spencer was arrested, don't you?"
I coldly nodded.
He came last night to say he would surrender to the authorities.
"And you also know the notebook we got at their camp wasn't Kia's journal?"
I just nodded again.
Brother Gideon still has his sister's real journal in his care. The one Ariela's team took from the Alfano's old house is only a simple notebook with similar design. What I heard was that they burned it after seeing nothing but the abstract lines that the victim often bothered to draw.
My brother himself admitted that he entered my sister's room an hour before she committed suicide. Thier conversation only took place with each other's 'Sorry's' and 'I promise'. They had their personal issue being sorted, then eventually bid goodbye to each other only for that day. What my older brother didn't know, that was the last goodbye.
What my sister wrote in her journal is still a big mystery to me to this day. I know it will remain a mistery until then. Only the two of them and the older brother know everything, at its own will. Something that I respect with all my heart. If the substitute is peace of his soul, I am ready to bury everything in oblivion.
"Kuya Gid had her journal. The shot went wrong-" I hesitated to add the word.
"They're dumb," he commented.
"When will you tell Kiesha the truth?"
"When I've done everything, I'll tell him right away. It's not possible now because my son's life will be in jeopardy. I can't dare risk any of their lives," he sighed heavily.
"So you got block mailed by your own bloodline," I let out a sarcastic smirk.
"Sorry, I promise to make things right."
"We will fix everything together. We are in this together."
"Even replacement is disaster for Spencer?"
"I don't care about him," I replied quickly.
I don"t know how he found out what happened between us and that man. And I have no intention of finding out more. It personally told him or what, that was out of me.
Importantly, I was no longer affected.
"He oddly asked the authority to make his image as bad as possible. Are you behind it?"
I suddenly remembered what we had talked about before he surrendered to authority.
"I am turning myself in."
"That's great."
"I am sorry."
"You're not," I raised an brow.
"What should I do just to show you my sincerity?"
"Show that your own image in the eyes of the public is no longer important to you. Let everyone know how rotten you are."
That was only an understatement. But he did. Things I didn"t quite expect.
He himself went to the precinct and surrendered. He also spontaneously revealed all the stench. Dominic, his friend, also testified that he was involved in the crime.
"Congrats on your engagement to Keisha," I changed the subject.
I don't want us to talk about that guy. I don't want to remember the mistakes I made.
"Thank you."
I want to congratulate Kiesha in person too. She finally realized how strong their love string was. That no matter what he does to avoid and disguise himself a few times, the truth about the fate of the two of them will still come out. Kiesha and Fergus are each other's end game.
At last, she decided to settle on someone ...
Days had passed. I immediately went out to Fergus' Villa the next day to rest there for a while while waiting for a friend's visit. Somehow I was not bored because of the amount of things that could be done with the staff sent here to watch over me.
We sometimes go out to hunt. Play board games, billiards and badminton. Not once did they leave me alone at the behest of the boss. They were worried that I might do something bad to myself.
I'm still in the right frame of mind. Nothing to worry about.
"Why in all the places you can go, in jail?" Lorie asked in the middle of the flight.
"I just have a question for Spencer."
"Admit it ... Is anyone interceding with you? What about Zion?"
Speaking of him, I never saw him again. I can't even reach him through the phone. Maybe he's using a different number. It is said that he still serves Kiesha, but is no longer a regular staff. He will only be called if there is something important to be done.
"We don't talk anymore," I averted my gaze out the window.
"Why don't you go to him?"
"No one knows where he was."
"You know ... For sure," was his meaningful response, "Of all of us, you know him best," he added.
Silence was the only thing I could answer. I don't know what to say.
My last news was that he had returned to the service as a disciple of the country. And another officer leads their group. It"s no longer Hans so it has no idea where they"re going, or what kind of mission they"ll face. But he knew that Zi currently had a secret mission. Wherever or whatever it was, he doesn't have any single idea.
"Let's just stick to my plan for today," I firmly said after a while.
This, in turn, was silenced. I don"t know if he agrees, or simply doesn"t want to answer any more. Because I already know what to answer.
I am once known as a person with one word. When something is said, that is really what is often observed. I sometimes don't dare consider any other options. I usually stick with my first words, no matter how odd and risky it was. Not until the game changes ... Not until my own rules betrayed me.
While on the flight, I quietly reminisced about what Zi and I had gone through. Your first time I saw him, first twinkle, first hiding smile and fun.
I still remember the cold flame fanning around him as he stares at me the first time we met.
I was embarrassed at times when I hated him, but when I turned around, I almost didn"t want to take my eyes off his whole figure.
He had this aura that is too dominant, too unbearable and exhalted. I couldn't blame everyone for drooling over him, because I am doing the same.
I can still clearly remember how my heart broke its own silence. It had been so preserved and in peace for years, until he came and brought my serenity into a rocking melody.
I had my first beat with him. He's the first person who made me blush, and the only person who triggered my desire for another experience. With him I first felt everything I thought I would never experience.
I took a deep sigh on countless occasions.
"North?" I played my own lips.
"Oh ... Did you realize something?"
"We're close to jail, aren't we?" I will ignore his question.
"Yes why?"
"Let's go somewhere else instead. I think I know where I could see him."
I could sense her complacent smile on my peripheral vision. There's no way she'd disagree. His look and smile were enough to prove my point.
Without a word it turned the car back to the road we had taken. Then it's just a matter of being on the race track.
I showed him the direction of where Zi used to live when we were still studying. In the place where I personally saw Martha"s siblings swarming with her, and in the place where I realized the lack of the word being humane". It was too easy for me to judge. I once talked ill about the ex convicts living peacefully in here. Without considering the fact that everyone can change for the better.
I walked straight into the thick alley. Lorie almost didn't want to listen anymore. I don"t know what it says. The only thing heard this time was the violent heartbeat.
I'm nervous about the end of what Zi and I will talk about. Most of all, worried at the thought that I might not be able to reach him here.
Almost everyone looked at my band after feeling the presence. Some were surprised, surprised, and others I felt excited.
Have they forgotten me?
I awkwardly walked straight to Zi's old boarding house. Without paying much attention to the people around. They are just like that when there is an unexpected visitor. Just like the first time I came here.
"You're Cold's girlfriend, aren't you?" the man I once feared because of the number of tattoos on his body asked suddenly.
"Yes," I answered directly, "Is he inside?"
Even where it used to live, it still looks the same. No one has changed. It seems that it has become even more old and dangerous to live in. Especially on the second floor and the building materials are less durable.
"No more. He just left."
He really did come back to this place.
"Where are you going?"
"I don't know. He just took the rest of his belongings. Then, leave."
In an instant, I suddenly lost hope of ever seeing him again. I was only a few hours late. I should have come here sooner.
I let out a deep sigh. Then he focused on the door of his former room.
"All right, I'll leave you first, right?" polite farewell man.
He left me alone and was stunned by the absence. Not knowing what else to do next.
"Gee ... This is just the beginning of your suffering, will you give up right away?" my criticism of myself.
With two shoulders dropped I climbed the old stairs. I tried to push his room's door, but it was locked. A sign of his permanent departure.
Why is that, when I still had the courage to face him, that's when destiny objected.
"I missed you," I murmured, "I was wrong ... I thought we should part because I fell for someone else. When in fact, there is no change of heart at all. I just thought it was all wrong-" I glued the palm on the old door and that's just the series of tears dripping, "I got so confused, which had me decide to end us because I thought if I really love you, there will be no confusion at all. But no. ... I just really changed with the thrill he caused. The thrill of a simple admiration for his physical appearance. I found him cool, "I sobbed," But believe me, you are a different level. No words can express how unique you are. are. He made my heart flutter, but you shook my system as a whole. I only had the sparks on you, Love. I am so sorry for breaking your heart due to my impulsive act. "
I knew he couldn't hear what was said. Just wind the unique witness to all my repentance.
I snorted and angrily pressed my forehead against the wall.
"My gaga ..." I cried even more. Now he wants to tweak himself.
"Just come back to me, promise I won't let you go," I put my right hand up. As if I was really talking to someone.
"Really?"
"Yes, pro-"
Huh ?!
I was surprised to get away from the door.
Did I just heard his voice? Or maybe just wanting to talk is just what I'm hearing?
"I heard everything you said Neilani."
I was nervous to face it.
It wasn't just my imagination. Or it was ...
But seems so real!
My mouth dropped open as I stepped closer to him. I can really feel its physical presence. Even the intensity of his gaze seems real.
I do miss this kind of deadly stare when he want to intimidate the hell out of me. And he wins all the time.
He was leaning against the handrail. He is only wearing gray shorts, simple white shirt, and a pair of crocs. It is folded and the edge of the lips is slightly raised.
"Zi ..." I said, almost a whisper.
Is this real?
I frankly stared at his whole being.
"I am real," he raised an brow.
Oh my God!
"Look ... Zi I am truly sorry," I tried to reach for his hand, but he stepped back. He was firmly holding on to his ground.
"You fell for someone else, while with me," his jaw slightly clenched.
I was shaken in the middle of his speech.
"It was just wrong. I had no other experience about love. So I found it really hard distinguishing the different kind of affection. I get hurt when you're with me, so I thought it was wrong. I found magic in him, without thinking that I actually experienced the whole world of fantasy with you. I love you too much that it hurts. Something I thought was bad but it wasn't really. With so much love, my heart seemed to explode. I could barely breath due to the overwhelming emotions when I am with you ... I am so sorry, "even if I wanted to catch up with him again, I couldn't do it for fear of running away again.
"F*ck!" he cursed as he looked up, sporting nothing but frustration, "I didn't know it would be this hurt."
"Zi ..."
"You betrayed me. You mistook shit as something that should be confronted, when I am the one worth all the fight."
"I will accept your anger. You can shout at me all you want. But please ... Please don't leave," I almost knelt in pleading.
I didn"t know it would take time to be desperate in love with a man. I never once thought of begging. But this time, I don't care about the image I wanted to protect anymore. There is nothing more important, than earning his love again.
"It's only now that I realize I'm too stupid to enter your life."
Just one word. But the message seemed to sink straight into my heart. It was too deep and painful to hear.
He regretted stepping into my life. I couldn't blame him for that. The person he thought would never take a step that would be with the two of us was guilty. It is normal here to be disappointed.
"But I'm stupid if I let you go again."
My tears automatically receded the next time I heard. My mind couldn't seem to process the words he just uttered.
How did
He never let me answer again. He closed the gap between us. And in one swift move, he wrapped his arms around me.
"God, I missed you too, Love."
"What is this?"
I thought he was angry.
"Don't try to leave me again. Swear, I'll plant little Zi inside your tummy right away," he kissed the top of my head.
I almost shook the whole country with the force of crying. This time, it wasn't because of a wounded heart anymore. But because of an unexpected twist.
I indeed mistook a simple infatuation for something else. Making me decide things I got so confused. Without thinking that the person worth all of this battle is already right in front of me.
I got my own one of a kind, man.
The only Zion Leander Pilvera.
To be continued...