Chapter 194: Machala

I knew I went too far... told Luke too much. The wine had relaxed me and sitting with him outside our usual parameters lulled me into a false sense of security. I saw his expression and even though he passed off what I revealed as no big deal, Luke saw the real story within the story. Starvation, loyalty, refusing to give up-it was all there. I hadn't thought about Mickey the dog in years-only a figment of my imagination but a key piece to who I was.
I didn't feel well. Luke ate quietly and drank another glass of wine. I nervously tried to think of a way out, but I couldn't.
"You don't like what I ordered for you?" he asked with concern.
Hell, I might vomit. "It's good. I'm full."
That look came over his face. I'd seen it many times when a coming punishment had me picking at my food unable to eat. He never stood for it and I wondered what he would do now.
"You've barely eaten." Not the usual, Eat, girl, it will only be worse if you don't.
I could see it in his eyes, though. I cut another bite, took another sip of wine, and placed vegetables in my mouth, though I didn't know why. He could no longer bend me to his will. Then it occurred to me that he didn't need to. I wanted to please him. It didn't matter if it was forcing down food or taking a particularly hard beating. Seeing pleasure on his face was what rocked my world even more than repeated orgasms.
I placed my fork across my plate and pushed it a little away. Luke signaled the waiter and my plate disappeared. "I don't suppose you'd like dessert?" he asked.
"No, thank you. I'm full."
He started to say something then stopped. He took a breath and asked, "Would you accompany me to a barbeque at Krispin's this Saturday?"
Of all things he could say, I hadn't expected that. Luke kept me hidden from his bandmates-everyone but Wade. I never attended a practice or a concert. I was Luke's weekend sub, his property, and he kept the two sides of his life separate. It really hadn't bothered me. I craved the weekends when we were together and wanted nothing to invade our privacy.
He spoke before I could think of what to say. "I should have taken you when I had the chance and I'd like to rectify that."
Now, he wanted to introduce me to his friends. I had no idea what changed so much in these last months that he was taking me on a date and then home to meet the band. "Is this really what you want, Luke?"
Oh, that sadistic grin that spoke volumes appeared. "I'm not known for doing things I don't wish to do."
"Is this a sex party?" That would explain why he wanted me along.
"No. I love these guys, but I don't share with anyone but Wade. This is a hamburger and hotdog barbeque, with water games and laughter. They've wanted to meet you. I think you'll like Angela, Krispin's wife." Shit, Luke was talking faster than usual, almost rambling. He was nervous. "Stephon and Matt have a new lady too who they're pretty serious about. I want you to meet everyone."
"Blood Rights sounds almost domestic."
Again, he didn't respond the way I expected. "Stranger shit has happened."
This vulnerable side of Luke was something I couldn't resist. "I'll go." I said it and there was no backing out. "What should I bring?"
"A swimsuit that covers you," was Luke's immediate response.
He made me laugh and I realized humor was one of those things that was lacking from our previous relationship. Intensity dominated everything. "You don't trust your friends?" I teased.
"I trust them implicitly, but if I said sexy, your suit might be see-through and I don't trust myself."
"You like my dress?"
He tipped back the last of his wine and threw money on the table not waiting for the check. "Too much. Shall we get out of here?"
I thought he'd never ask. My heart beat double time. Blood pulsed through my body and pooled between my legs. My clit ached for attention. My ass ached for Luke's hand. I wasn't sure what I wanted first-Luke to fuck me, beat me, drive me crazy or all the above in no particular order.
Sadly, what I got was a chaste kiss at the fucking door. I was too stunned to say anything and then he was gone after a brief whisper, "Think of me when you come tonight."
Fuck. What the hell was wrong with him? Luke never denied himself. I thought about it for a moment... damn. He enjoyed making me burn. Telling me to think about him when I masturbated was a fuck-all tease on his part. I needed pain and dominance. He knew it and still he walked away.
He hadn't asked me to see him again until Saturday afternoon for the barbeque. I'd die from clit denial if I waited that long. I called his cell phone.
"Yes."
"You can't leave me like this, Luke." Crap, I sounded desperate.
His response was entirely too smartass. "This was only a first date, Machala. I didn't think you'd put out."
"What about you?" Though it was rare, he'd denied me before during our weekends. At least I got a certain amount of pleasure by pleasing him and if that's all I could have, I'd take it.
"I'll think about fucking your ass and making you scream while I'm in the shower tonight. You do the same and we'll discuss it Saturday night after the barbeque." The line went dead.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I'd somehow live through the night, maybe. I had a long week ahead of me and getting through that wouldn't be easy. Of course, I'd been here before on Monday mornings when I went to work so hot and bothered I wanted to scream. This was what loving a sadist was all about and the thought had me smiling. Now I just had to clear my mind of sex, and sleep without dreaming.
Fat chance.
***
Danny gave me a long look when I walked past his desk the following day.
"Good morning," I said as I entered my office. He followed me, and when I sat down, I noticed the newspaper under his arm.
He bent over my desk and placed it in front of me.
Shit.
It was a side view photo of me and Luke. Could The Ice Queen Be Thawing? was the headline in the Lifestyles section. I only read the first sentence. Machala Winters of Winters' Publishing was seen last night with hot rocking drummer Luke Isaak. I looked up. "It could have been worse. The back of my dress was shameless."
Danny wasn't smiling. "I thought you turned him down."
I could hear the hurt in Danny's voice. He would never understand the dynamic I had with Luke, but I had to try to explain. "I have needs, Danny. You know more about those than most people. Please don't judge me. Luke meets those needs safely. I trust him."
"It's your mental stability I worry about. This isn't about sex." Danny started pacing in front of my desk.
"Aren't they one and the same? When it comes right down to it, I'm pretty fucked up. I'm not like you. I need pain and humiliation to get off. I wish I didn't, but it's who I am and I'm not running from it. I left Luke before. If this," I threw my hands up, "whatever it is goes the same way I'll do it again. Last night was a date. Plain and simple, nothing more." I wouldn't tell him about Friday night or the fact sex was on the table last night and Luke said no. I still had some pride left.
Danny stopped and looked at me again. "I can't help worrying. Please, Machala, see a professional. You think this is you, but I know you're locked into some sexual game and you can't find the exit. This goes deeper than sex and maybe just maybe, fixing the cause will change the outcome."
No, he would never understand. "Back off, Danny."
With a hurt look Danny walked out. I could hear him making noises at his desk, so at least he hadn't completely deserted me. I refused to dwell on what I couldn't and wouldn't change. Work called and I had a contract to review and the first few chapters of a book from a new author we wanted to sign to look over. It was going to be a hell of a long week.
Luke didn't call once throughout the week. He said he'd pick me up at two on Saturday afternoon, so I was ready. I'd actually packed two swimsuits. I would get the lay of the land before deciding which to wear. I knew Luke's bandmates were kinky. They traveled far outside publishing circles, but it wasn't easy for me to let my hair down. If I wore the barely there suit and Luke didn't like it-he would punish me and that had me smiling. Payback was a bitch and I owed him for the misery he put me through all week. I also owed him for my nerves, which were shattered. I didn't do well in carefree social situations. Give me a black tie dinner with me wearing a designer dress and I could plaster my ice smile on. Or even a dominant standing over me with a whip. Then I was in my element. Friends, barbeques, and fun not so much. There was no script, no expectation, no rules. Only the fact Luke wanted me to meet his friends.