Chapter 104
Today's goal was to catch up on the training we postponed because of Klovski's visit. Mr. Huang thought it'd be a great distraction for me since I was so upset and I quote, "nothing fixes one's mood better than gardening."
Whatever that meant, I was sure it'd be able to take my mind off of reality for a while. Gardening didn't seem to be so bad.
What bothered me was that I soon realized he didn't have a garden. I didn't bother asking him any questions though, knowing that he probably had something up his sleeve. So, I followed him deeper into the cluster of trees that stood tall with its branches reaching out to create a high canopy above our heads.
There were trees that had fallen fruits under them, some looked like ripe and some looked rotten. The roots of the trees crept out from under it beneath the forest floor. It made its presence known by bulging out of the soil in a few places, causing the ground to be uneven and forcing Mr. Huang and I to watch our steps in order to avoid tripping over them.
It wasn't too far away but the supposed "garden" was a good distance away from the cabin. It gave me the impression that Mr. Huang liked making himself go through all these unnecessary journeys within the forest.
When we finally reached the opening, we got straight to business. Mr. Huang started drawing sketches of how he wanted the garden to look on the sandy ground with a stick he had picked up.
I started to work straight away after that; rearranging the positions of the pots and where each of them stood.
You'd think that rearranging a garden would only take me a maximum of one hour to finish but I spent the rest of the day trying to finish up due to two main reasons.
1) The garden was bloody huge.
2) Mr. Huang is very indecisive.
One minute he wants the roses at the center of the field and the next he wants it to his right. It didn't take long until the sun started to set and the stars to appear. It was only then that he finally allowed me to rest and guess what? The bloody garden looked as if it was never touched.
I gave Mr. Huang a small ‘what the fuck' look. My back was starting to ache from all the labour he made do. I spent the whole day picking up pots and moving them from one end of the field to the other just to return them to where they were on before I touched anything in the garden.
Brilliant.
I finally decided to take quick walk and I found myself spacing out while admiring the nature around me. I hated times like these, when my thoughts wander on their own accord because I start thinking about friends and just about how many I've lost. I start wondering if there would be an end to the series of betrayals I've been experiencing. As I got back to rearranging the flower pots, still drowning in my own thoughts, I unconsciously stopped what I was doing. It took me a few seconds to realize that I was sitting on the ground with tearful eyes.
Mr. Huang walked slowly towards me and tried to get me to stand on my feet again.
"Come on Xiăo Fú. You can do this." I shook my head weakly. I was so tired; too tired. I was mentally drained from all the events that have been happened. The disappointment built up in me and developed the reversed psychology that people who I thought were friends might be people who have a mission to make me suffer in the worst way possible. I felt the panic build up in me; the anxiety of mistrusting someone again and the uneasiness in thinking that I had no one to rely on. My lungs collapsed and I started hyperventilating as tears started to build up.
I heard someone tell me to open my eyes and breathe. But I didn't want to. Here in my panic bubble,
I felt an odd sense of serenity that I haven't felt before.
I understood then, what they wanted from me. They wanted to break me in the worst way possible; implanting a new set of fear so big that I wouldn't even want to open my eyes in fear of seeing someone else that might come to leave me one day; in fear of caring about the next person just to break down once again when they hurt me too.
If all they wanted to do was to break me, they succeeded the day they took my only brother away from me. My Bryant. My shield, my rock and my whole goddamn world and they took him from me. Wrenched him out of my life in a quick step on the gas pedal and a steel grip on the steering wheel.
They took him from me and didn't think that was enough. They weren't satisfied yet so they started taking my friends away and started making me question my own sanity.
I decided to curl up on myself, taking that small period of time for myself individually and not for anyone else. I laid on the ground, cheeks pressed against the warm grass, knees tucked against my chest and eyes still closed.
What gave birth to such cruelty?
Greed? Anger? Devastation?
Was I going to turn out like them if I hit that one point in my life where I get desperate enough to make all of this pain go away? Was I going to turn into one of them if I decided that I couldn't handle this fear of misplacing my trusting on someone? Would it be my turn then to ruin someone else's life? Would I turn out to be like them once I let the bitterness engulf me fully? Would that be what I'm going to be reduced to? A person who's so selfish, they wanted others to feel the pain that they went through.
Was that what drove Dom? The pain? Was this what he was thinking?
I think this was probably what the guy who threatened me into re-entering the competition was thinking.
I broke his brother's leg and mentality. I took away his brother's happiness and by doing that, I probably took his as well.
That threat was an action driven by true pain and devastation. Have I done anything like that to Dom? Something so heart-breaking that made him succumb to the pain and be swallowed by it.
If I could say sorry for one thing to him, it would be for that pain. Because this was not something I'd wish on anyone; even Bryant's murderer.
