Chapter 66
Today was the day of the burial. My parents decided to join me and show their condolences by attending the funeral. We were already on our way and the whole car ride was silent. The funeral was held in a town a couple of hours away, where Adam moved from. Her family wanted to bury her with the rest of her ancestors so we had to sit in the car for a two hours straight.
I kept my eyes trained on the trees that whizzed by as we drove and I was trying really hard to keep my mind off the fact that we were going to bury Carla's body today. Everyone knew that a funeral came with heartfelt eulogies.
Jerry requested me to make a special eulogy for Carla. Although I tried preparing myself and wrote what I wanted to say in a piece of paper, nothing sounded enough to express how much of a wonderful woman Carla was so I ended up crumpling the papers and then, I had a room to sweep.
In the end, I had to drop everything and rest, leaving my mind to wing it on the spot. I could only pray that no cuss words would slip out. The worst scenario that could happen would probably be my brain not being cooperative in whisking something up because it was too busy sobbing internally. I was overwhelmed and the anxiety was swallowing me whole mercilessly. Nothing that I had ever felt reached this level of unpleasantness with the exception of knowing that Monic found out I was street fighting illegally and Bryant's death.
When we finally reached the venue, we all piled out of the car and climbed up the small hill to reach where Carla's coffin would be buried at. It was no surprise that a lot of people came. There was no way that a wonderful woman such as Carla could have little to no friends. People who wouldn't befriend her would be incredibly stupid. I found Adam standing among the crowd of people. I stood by him and slipped my hand in his.
Monic was behind me, leaning against Jake as she wept on his chest. Jake's hand that wasn't supporting Monic was clasped onto Adam's shoulder, giving him some moral support. I didn't dare look towards where Carla's coffin was set, beside the gaping hole in the ground. The urge to weep along with all the other people that was gathered around her coffin and the six feet deep hole grew the longer that I stayed there.
One by one, the people that was called stepped out of the crowd and started reading out their eulogies while I stood there, trying to worry about my own unwritten eulogy. I listened in to this one eulogy which was beautifully written. It seemed to be from an old friend of hers before she moved to my town. The woman had tears streaming down her face while she read her short but touching eulogy, bringing more tears to others' eyes as well.
"Dear Carla,
You are a beautiful woman and the greatest parent I have ever known. No one will ever forget you and your fight against the kidney failure. God bless you and your children." A tear slipped out, I didn't know how I was about to top that without anything written down but I was going to have to try whether I like it or not.
I cursed myself internally, ‘Now you decide to be unable to whisk something up while a couple of days ago thoughts about what you want to say to Carla flooded your mind.'
I felt a nudge on my arm and looked towards my parents only to have them jerk their heads to where the priest was standing. My gaze went to Adam and he gave me a small smile and his hand landed on the small of my back, giving me a small push. Oh shit.
A lump formed in my throat and no matter how hard I tried to swallow it and will it to dissipate, nothing happened. I racked my brain on what to say but it was like my whole fear was coming true.
Once I was already standing and facing everyone, I started to fidget. I never was one to speak. All I ever did was handing the spotlight to Bryant and let him deal with all of it. Now, I was starting to regret never trying out those times to familiarize myself with being under the stares of others.
I glanced around and found Monic's eyes. She gave me a nod of encouragement. With great hesitance, I pictured Bryant speaking, what he would do, his stance and his tone. I took a deep breath, opening my eyes and faced the crowd. Today was about Carla, not me. I needed to stop being selfish. I cleared my throat and squared my shoulders, preparing myself mentally to speak.
"Carla was an amazing mother. Not only that, she was an amazing woman. I've met all of her children and I can tell she raised them well. That day that I finally visited her and cried on her behalf, her youngest son found me outside her room and I would like to share the wise words of this 4 year old boy;
‘God picks off the best people on Earth like we do when we are in a garden full of flowers.'
I've learnt more things from her 4 year old kid than I have ever had with my old friends. You raised your children well, Carla. They're going to be great people."
All the while that I was saying this, my fingers covered the pendant and clutched it tightly. The weight that hung on my neck was no more foreign and I promised myself that no matter how forgetful I got, I would always remember the story behind this green pendant.
I finished my eulogy and walked back to stand beside Adam whose eyes were shining with tears. I offered him a hug and let him hold me for comfort while the priest finished the ceremony. Her coffin was lowered to the ground. We each took a handful of dirt and threw it gently on top of her coffin. After each of us got our turn, the rest of the hole was covered by shoveled up dirt and each of us left the flowers we brought for her, laying them down on the ground in front of her headstone.
I let Adam keep his hold on me for a while before holding him in arm's length to give him some support.
"Hey, look at me," I whispered softly, holding his arm with one hand and grabbing his chin to make him look at me with the other. He looked so vulnerable that I almost teared up at the sight of him.
"I know it's hard. God, I know it's a terrible feeling but look at me and see how I'm still breathing. I'm still standing and so will you. If I can survive a year, you will too. If I survive two years, you will too. If I survive a decade, you can too. Time will heal you. It won't completely dull the ache but it will cease the pain. You will cope and you will be alright. I know you will."
Movies make it look so easy to console someone but let me tell you, it's giving you some serious bullshit.
Adam wasn't saying anything and instead of showing any signs that he caught anything I just said, he pulled me in for another hug. I kept my arms circled around his waist and he buried his tear streaked face on my shoulder.
