Chapter 76: Sarn

I am forever cursed. It is nothing I haven't earned. Sierra doesn't deserve this, though. We lie in our bed with her curled tight within my arms. She sleeps after hours of tears. I've remained awake throughout the night. I reached my decision within minutes of her telling me the truth of our fate. It is the only course that I can possibly take. Prolonging this torture will only kill her slowly. I want her to remember the wonderful times we've had. With me back in my realm, the wolf-mating bond should weaken. Sierra needs to go on with her life and find happiness with someone who is not cursed.
I'm having trouble leaving the bed because I know it will wake her. She will never forgive me for this and I don't wish to see recrimination in her eyes. When I've almost given up on doing that which I must do, Dmitri appears in the room.
His eyes reflect sadness. "The witches sent me and my mate waits at our home to care for Sierra after you're gone," he whispers.
I have no idea how the witches know, but it matters not. Dmitri being here will make it easier for Sierra and that's all that matters. I place a final kiss on her cheek and begin extricating myself from her hold. I look down when she stirs. Her eyes go from me to Dmitri as what is happening becomes clear. "No." And then louder, "No!" she yells as she grabs me and refuses to let go.
Dmitri takes her arm and his teeth enter her wrist. She fights him, but doesn't take her eyes from me. "I love you," I tell her. "Never forget that."
Her voice goes soft and dreamy as she begs, "Don't leave me, Sarn. Give me these years, please..." Her eyes close before she sees the tears that run down my face.
Dmitri watches me with amber eyes. "We will watch over her my friend."
"Thank you," is all I manage to say. I walk to the door as a truck pulls up to the cabin.
"The she-bear will take you to the realm crossing."
I nod and walk through the door. I don't look back. I can't. If I turn, I will never leave. My punishment for all my sins is complete. Dragons don't forgive, but neither does an angry Goddess.
***

Six months later...
My servants are gone. They've been dispersed to my brother dragons' castles. I don't want or need them here. Each day is harder than the last and my rage is dangerous to anyone who gets close to me. I've turned away my friends and told them if they return I will consider them enemies. Bastian was angry, Tahr heartbroken, and of course Laryn wasn't there. He will never forgive me and that is as it should be.
I dream of Sierra each night. I actually hate to sleep now. The dreams are always of the final look in her eyes with some small variation on the theme of my leaving. Her begging, crying, fighting, and the worst... her dead eyes staring at nothing. I wake up shouting her name on the worst nights.
Before I sent my servants away, I had them cover the windows in dark cloth and pour out all the alcohol. I do not deserve the escape liquor offers and I do not deserve sunshine. The light left my life when I left my love behind.
I have twenty-three years and four months until the next claiming. I suffer because I deserve it.

***
Sierra
Sarn left me even when I begged him to stay. My sad, angry dragon did not understand. We had twenty-four years before we needed to separate. A wolf without her mate is nothing. Maybe I could find a way to move on if I thought him dead. There is no denying he lives. Even without him at my side, I carry him in my soul. It hurts so much knowing he exists without my love. It's almost the saddest part of being separated from him. Without my arms comforting him, I know he's lonely and suffering.
I'm back at the nightclub working beside my brother behind the bar. Roland tries to speak with me about Sarn, but I won't listen. Sarn is my pain to bear. Roland has opened up about his life and we've discussed what he will do with his future. I know he's speaking of these things in order to get me to share my feelings. I can't. There are no words to describe my mangled heart that is no longer beating to the pace of Sarn's.
Roland grows desperate and decides we need to travel to our father so he can tell him the truth about his sexuality. This is an excuse. Roland is so distressed by me that he's willing to do anything. I actually don't mind going because I need to run through the Everglades and let my wolf take the lead for a few weeks. It's too crowded in bear territory and everyone knows what has happened to me. I feel their sympathy and it only increases the ache I carry. My father's clan is made up of mostly cat shifters. They will have no problem giving me space if I request it.
My wolf is another problem. She's as listless as I am. Usually we counterbalance the other, but that's no longer the case. Our pain swirls around us and we are in perfect accord. There is no life without our mate.
Dmitri gives me and Roland the use of his plane. I'm relieved when the morning finally arrives and it's time to leave. I don't know if I will ever return. Maybe if my brother decides to. Even though I won't speak to Roland about Sarn, I need Roland close to me. Our internal twin bond is all I have to hold onto.
When I see my father and Talya waiting as we exit the plane, I dissolve into tears. My brother lifts me into his arms before I crumble to the ground. I cry the entire drive to the clan home. My father lifts me from the backseat of the car and carries me inside.
The cats don't greet me. They remain quiet as Ivan carries me up the stairs to my room.
"He left me," I sob against his chest when the door closes behind us.
"I know, sweetling. I know." He sits on the bed and holds me much as he did when I was younger. He understands this pain. He's the only one who truly can.