Choosing hell

Lucifer's POV
Her words hit me hard and the beast that had refused to leave the past few days, finally let me transform to my human self.
She stared at me with a smile on her face. Did I just hear her right? Did she just call me lovely? Was she doing what I think she's doing?
"Damn you Helldog, you know it!" Steel hissed in my head.
No,I refuse to believe it. I refuse to accept it.
"Believe it or not but that's what made you return back to human!" Steel yelled at me.
It was all too awkward as I stared at her. Not knowing how to react to this. Never felt so much emotions running wild inside of me.
Firstly I had to leave her sight. I had to walk away before crushing any pride left in her. I had to think properly and besides I was standing naked before her.
I walked away from her towards the pack house as I connected to Kill through the pack mind link to get me some clothing.
I waited by a tree dreading the moment Ashlyn would come to me and make it more clear what I had a fair knowledge of. But she did not come to me. I looked over at the riverside to find her still standing but this time,she was facing the water. I felt a rush in my veins as I watched her. Unable to bear the effects of her combined with the river,I looked away.
Kill came with the clothes and I quickly don them on. I looked over at Ashlyn and my eyes met hers. Hell! What was wrong with me? What was this feeling that was threatening to suffocate me? I looked away from her and began to walk away.
"How did it happen?" Kill asked me. I knew what he was talking about. How did I transform back to human when I've been stuck in that hideous form for days.
"Let it be Kill. Let it be." I said to him unable to explain to him, unable to believe it myself.
I walked into the house and into my room and groaned in frustration hitting the table and then staring at my reflection in anger. What spell was she casting on me? I asked myself but I knew differently. She was not luring me in,she was acting according to her fate without her knowledge. Her fate to change mine.
The thing was did I want it? Was I ready to accept it? Do I not want my fate to change? or was it because the change was coming from Ashlyn that's why I'm being reluctant? I groaned more in frustration. I've never been this confused before. Can I handle this?
"I want her. I want her to remain with me. She has a remedy to all of our chaotic lives." Steel said to me.
"Is that why you want her? Because she's the supposed one to free us from this bondage?" I asked him transferring my anger to him.
He was quiet. "That's not just it." He said.
"What then is it Steel. Tell me." I asked him.
"I feel the same way she does." He said finding it hard to say the word ' love.' I swallowed. My wolf has fallen in love with her and with this I'll be completely under him.
"What if that's not it Steel? What if she's not genuine? What if she is saying all of these because she feels sorry for us? Sorry seeing us in our distraught state." I questioned him.
He retreated back without any more words. He was used to this. Always running away when I needed answers to vital questions.
I went into the bathroom splashing water on my face. Do not worry about it too much Lucifer,I said to myself. She has not said anything and it's not like when she does I'll jump into her arms. She should know better. I was not good with things like this. I've never been good with it even when I claimed to have wanted someone before.
But here I was wanting Ashlyn badly and I kept denying it. Which was it that I want? Her body or her heart? I've never been this confused about her like I was today. I walked into the bathroom hoping to wash away every thought of her off my head.
I was in the study taking my mind off Ashlyn by engrossing myself on a map that showed the borders of each city connected to each other. The door opened and I stared at the figure that walked in quietly with all graciousness. Ashlyn.
I did not need this one bit.
"Lucifer?" She called.
"What?" I decided to sound bitter so she'd go away but she did not. She stayed rooted to the spot.
"I want to have a discussion with you." She said to me. Her eyes fixed on me and damn my knees buckled for the first time.
"I do not want to hear it." I said to her. "Leave." I told her.
"I really want to say it. Do not deny me the privilege when I have finally summoned up courage to say this I beg of you." She said to me.
There was no way I was escaping this. I was trapped. I could walk away but a part of me wanted to hear what she had to say.
"Go on." I urged her.
She stood there staring at me. "It's a crazy thing to say but I'm in love with you Lucifer Saunron." She said and it dropped on me like a bomb. I felt like a volcano erupting the instant she said it. I was bracing myself for it for hours but I did not expect it to have such effects on me.
I stood up to my feet. "How can you love your master?" I inquired of her.
"I cannot explained it. It just happened." She said to me.
"This is pathetic," I said to her and I watched her face cloud in horror. "You think you love me cause you've been around me during my distress?" I scoffed as I stared at her. "You do not love me. You feel sorry for me." I told her the words that have been ringing in my head.
"That's not it!" She said raising her voice.
"Then it's what?!" I fired back. "You cannot just wake up one morning and be in love with your tormentor!" I said to her.
"Do you not think I know that? I should be hating you for everything!" She said to me. Her lips tightened as she forced back tears that welled up her eyes and her knuckles turned white.
"Exactly! You should be hating me!" I yelled to her.
"But I can't!" She fired,the tears dropping down her cheeks and my cold heart bled at the sight of it. "You cause me pain but yet I find myself drawing closer and I cannot control it. I don't know why but I love you." She said to me and my head kept ringing.
"Then stop loving me!" I practically yelled at her. I wanted her gone. I wanted her away from me.
Why would she love me? Why wasn't she terrified of me like the rest? That scared me.
"I can't!" She fired back. "I can't," her voice mellowed. "I've tried but I can't and you do not help matters either. You're sometimes so sweet,too sweet that it aches and then sometimes so brutal,too brutal that it burns." She said.
"I've treated you unjustly Ashlyn. I've dishonored you severally," I listed out as my eyes burned. I was all of a sudden scared of her. She terrifies me because she was not afraid of my darkness. Why was she not?
She wiped a tear with the back of her hand. "Does the heart understands all these? No. The heart acts according to it will." She said to me.
I moved closer to her. "You know it cannot be Ashlyn. We cannot be." I said to her.
"Why can we not be Lucifer?" She asked me as she buried her head on my chest and I felt her tears wetting my shirt. I held her feeling hurt seeing her this way and knowing my words would keep hurting her. I was fighting with Steel in my head still,I did not hold it back.
"Cause I do not go back on my words Ashlyn. I've always wanted your body and that's what I'll keep wanting." I said to her. I was just too egocentric to accept her.
If I ever would want her, I would want her because I shared the same feelings with her and not because she was fated to deliver me from my torrent storms.
She pulled away from me in anger. "Is that all you want from me,my body?" She demanded with tear filled eyes.
"My body is yours too." I said to her.
"Is that all you can give?" She inquired.
"That's all I can offer." I said finding myself vulnerable at her feet.
"What about your heart? I don't just want your body,I want your heart,your soul. I want the whole of you god damnit." She said pummeling her fists on my chest as the tears rolled down.
I was terrified of this. Terrified for this was my first time of being told I was loved and the bitter truth was I felt it. I felt it in every part of my cruel soul and yet I was denying it. I was hell and yet she was choosing to burn with me. It frightened me as she only had managed to touch all the vulnerable parts of me. Was I even deserving of her?
She fell into my arms one more time and then turned away, running out the door. I groaned in frustration as I vented my anger on the objects in the room. Turning the table upside down and sending all ceramic objects flying and getting smashed on the wall. I stood there heaving as I watched the once neat study that had turned into a mess. The tightening of my heart threatening to break my rigidity as I fell to my knees more vulnerable than ever.