Staring at death's door

IVAN
~•~

Sarah fell to the ground beside her father. I watched as blood oozed out from the back of her hair and formed a small puddle around her.
Ian smiled and kissed his teeth as he looked down at me.

"Two down, one to go." His voice echoed in my ears as he stepped forward. He trampled upon the dead bodies to get to me. When he stood in front of me, he lowered himself to stare me straight in the eyes. I did not know what I felt at that moment, I did not even know if I felt anything at all.
All I wanted to do at that moment was to reach out to my daughter and hold her. The revelation that she was not really mine, to know that nobody had ever been on my side, all of that made me want to die here.

Life was no longer worth it. How was I supposed to walk around knowing that everyone I had trusted the most turned out to be traitors in the end?
Would I ever come out of this trauma with a clear mind and heart? How was I supposed to ever trust anyone again?

Out of everything, what hurt the most was that Ian was the one who had to do this to me. I had always considered him to be my brother, I had always wanted the best for him. When our father decided to send him to a boarding school in France, I fought and kicked hard against it. I wanted Ian to remain in America with his mother and father, but papa would not agree.

Whatever trouble Ian had gotten himself into was bigger than my pleas.

"We can't have him here anymore. His wings have grown bigger than our scissors. We can at least send him away, so that he doesn't do anymore damage. I cannot have him ruin what I have worked so hard to build." Our father had told me in the library.

"Father never stopped thinking of you." I started to speak. Ian narrowed his eyes on me, he raised his gun and held it up to my face. But I was not intimidated by it. If he was going to kill me, he at least deserved to hear the truth.

"Father never stopped thinking of you, Ian. He loved you, even more than he loved anything else in the world. Yes, I might have been the one by his side all those years, but father always wished I was you." I continued.

Ian blinked twice. I could see the softness in his eyes, but his jaw only hardened.

"If you think any of this would change my mind about putting a bullet through your skull, then you've got a big surprise coming your way." He spoke through clenched teeth. I knew he was going to kill me. There was no way I could survive him now. I only wanted him to take care of my…our child, when I was gone.

"I have never feared death, Ian. All I am saying to you is the truth that you deserve to know. Despite what you think, you were the son father loved the most. You were the proof of the love he shared with your mother, I was a reminder of his mistakes." It hurt me to admit it, but I knew I had to.

Ian's scowl deepened as he stood up straight.

"You knew that! He knew that! And yet he chose you over me! Nothing I did ever pleased father because he had his eyes on you!" He yelled. I could hear the bitterness in his voice, I could see the anger in his eyes.

Our father's handsome face flashed in my mind. I could recall all the times he had stared at me, wishing in his mind that he had never met my mother.

"The last time I trusted you, what happened?" I heard our mother yell that night. Seven-year-old me pressed his right ear to the door that night.

"The product of that mistake lives here with us! I have to look at him everyday and I have to call him my son! But I am not doing that because of you, I am doing it because he is innocent and he doesn't deserve the cruelty of the world. He didn't ask for his father to be a cheat or for his mother to be a whore!" Of course, I did not understand what it meant for someone to be a whore then. But I knew that my being there, in their home, was not a good thing.

I did not belong there, I was not a member of their family. So, I had to do my best to fit in.

"I always envied you, Ian. I knew that no matter what you did, you would be loved and accepted. But I worked twice as hard to prove my relevance. Father would have cut me off by the time I turned twenty. I heard him speak to the family lawyer about it." I confessed.

Ian chuckled, it was a bitter one.

"You always hear a lot of things, don't you?"

To my surprise, I chuckled. Now that he mentioned it, it amused me how I always heard the things that related to me, how life always gave me a sneak peak at all the plans against me, so I could counter them.

"There's so much you can hear when you seldom go out to parties, Ian." I retorted.

He shook his head and scoffed.

"I worked hard, I knew I had to work hard to remain relevant so father wouldn't cut me off. He was the only father I had ever known, you were my only brother. Yes, there were days that I envied you, but I always loved you, Ian."

He corked the gun and screamed.

"Shut up!"

"Father always loved you. Even on his deathbed, when you were there, his last wish was to see your face. I had to find a picture of you from your Instagram page. He held on to that phone while he let out his last breath. He didn't think of mother, he didn't think of work, or business, he didn't think of me, he thought of you."

I continued to stare at Ian, I knew that his face would be the last thing I saw. I looked down at the ground and tried to picture the image of my daughter, my beautiful Tina.
She was the last face I wanted to see before I died.

"Do me a favor, yeah? So hi to your wife and father-in-law in hell for me. You can greet dad too, I'm sure he'll be there as well."

A sad smile crept up to my face, spreading my cheeks apart.

I could already see myself staring at death's door.

The sound of the gunshot rang in my ears. I didn't wait for the pain, I heaved a sigh and drew in my last breath.