Intimacy and no sex III
Camila's POV
My outburst sits between us, the sudden silence radiating off the man alarming. He steps closer, grips my chin and tilts my head up to his, where his brown eyes are dim. "You think some boy will give you half of what I did last night?" He dips his head to get right into my face, while his accent peeks. "I barely touched you and you turned into a whimpering little mess."
I open my mouth to speak but he sends me a look and I shut my mouth. He isn't done.
"You're manipulative when you don't get what you want. And it tells me all I need to know. You're immature and can't accept the fact that you won't always have things go your way." His words take a plunge into my heart. "I won't let you behave like that and I won't have you running around me like some desperate little-"
My ears ring, and I don't let him finish his sentence for I can already anticipate his words. Tears gather in my eyes and I push on his chest. "Desperate little what, Alejandro?" I seethe. "Say it." I spit pushing at his chest to get him away from me.
He merely clenches his jaw and shakes his head as he stares down at me.
I send him my nasty glare. "Like a desperate little slut? A whore? A puttana?"
His eyes narrow like I'm completely off, but it only makes the rage I suddenly feel towards him worsen.
I'm done letting him say all these horrible things to me.
"Maybe if I was, you'd consider fucking me right? Because you don't fuck virgins, remember?" A bitter smile makes its way onto my face. "So what is it? Am I a naive little virgin, or a desperate little slut?"
He makes a frustrated noise."I wasn't calling you a puttana-"
I shake my head, brushing away his defence. Fuck him for trying to shame me for something he could do without judgement.
I had been called harsh words like that far to many times to stand by and let another person degrade me and make me feel cheap. I wipe at my angry tears.
"That's not-" When he steps forward, I push him away.
"Don't you ever fucking talk to me again!" I turn around and make a move to leave.
The man grabs my wrist, spins me back around towards him and then grabs my face in his hands. His touch is gentle, but his face is one of pure frustration. "Ascoltami." He snaps, and I freeze in my spot. (Listen to me.)
"Let me finish my sentence and then you can jump to your own conclusions." He states firmly, his eyes meeting mine. "You won't go find some boy that I can't trust, nor will you let him touch you."
His thumbs hastily wipe the tears beneath my eyes as he tilts my face higher. "I won't give you what you want, Camila. Despite what you may think of me and what I may think of you, it can't happen." His tone softens slightly. "And I won't have you running around Like a desperate little girl in an attempt to punish me for not giving you what you want."
There is no anger or sadness in his voice anymore, just pure honestly.
My rage simmers slightly, until I can do nothing but furrow my brows and blink down at my hands. "If we both want it... why can't we have it?" I say softly, looking up into his eyes. "What's stopping you?"
He doesn't respond for a while, like there's something he's not telling me and won't. That is until he gives his head a light shake, "You couldn't handle the things I want." He sighs and it feels like a pathetic attempt at an excuse.
"I can handle myself just fine." I rebuke.
The look in his eye tells me thats not the problem. "I don't mix sex and intimacy. Things are already getting out of hand, I'm stopping it before we're in too deep."
I try desperately to understand him. "So you want to stop this relationship we'd built?" Why did it feel like I was being broken up with? "No more of this...?" I motion between us.
"No-" He stares at me pensively before shaking his head. "Aside from last night, I want to keep what we have. We just can't cross that line anymore."
That makes the confusion worsen. "What line exactly?"
He straightens out. "The one that makes us not so platonic."
I stare the man dead in the eye. "In case you haven't noticed, I don't go around kissing people on the lips platonically."
As odd as our relationship was, we weren't platonic. We slept in the same bed and cuddled. We were practically in a relationship with the way we acted, the only thing missing was the sex.
I peer up at him. "We act intimately with each other."
He rubs his jaw like he's trying to think of his next words. "Which is why we can't have sex."
This all still feels like a shitty excuse, "And why can't we have both?"
"Things will get too messy if we mix them." His tone is still somewhat cryptic.
It agitates me to the point where I withhold the urge to scream. "What does that even mean?"
His hands tighten around my face as he drops his face an inch from mine. "That means that if I fuck you, I'll end up hurting you."
"I can learn to handle rough-"
"It's not just that." His face strains, as he forces out his words. "You haven't fully explored your sexuality and what you like and don't. What I want could very well be too much for you, and even if it wasn't, your behaviour - although cute, tells me what I need to know. You're not ready for me."
He moves a few pieces of my hair back as he stares down at me, his gaze warm and filled with so much conflicting emotions. "I care about you too much to risk hurting you just so I could get in a good fuck."
I open my mouth to argue but then stop. Because if we did then that's all I'd be.
A good fuck.
I wouldn't be special or different. I'd be just like every other woman.
The ones he fucks and dumps.
I blink back tears. "You're so fucking beautiful," His tone drops as he places a kiss atop my forehead. And when he looks back down at me, there's an astute determined glow in his eyes. "But I won't go there with you."
My chest starts heaving as pain settles in, and it's the worst kind because I can't mask it with anger. Instead I'm left to feel all the hurt and heartbreak alone because he hasn't wronged me.
He just rejected me in the nicest way possible.
A new set of tears start pouring out of my eyes and I don't realize until Alejandro sighs and starts wiping them away. "Please don't cry over someone like me, baby. I'm not worth it." He whispers.
He dips his head further to plant a kiss on my cheek but I hastily push him away and step back, wiping my own tears. "Then stop doing that."
My feelings are all over the place and I can't even think. How could his actions be so sweet and caring but his words hurt so bad?
"Doing what?"
I wipe my tears. "Everything! The touching, the kissing, the baby. All of it. It's confusing me." I say.
I watch as Alejandro's features tighten, like he doesn't want that, but he bites his tongue and nods, taking a step back. "Me dispiace." He mumbles. (I'm sorry)
"You should be." I wipe the last of my tears and turn to walk out on him.
Maybe it was time this ended.
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