Chapter twenty-one

Chapter twenty-one - The nightmares

"In the end, we all just want someone who chooses us. Over everyone else. Under any circumstances."

[K A T O]


"You stupid, little foolish girl", he laughed. I couldn't see his face, in a matter of fact, I couldn't see him. His body was hidden behind the enormous trees, voice booming throughout them with such power, it made my knees go weak, my legs tremble and throat dry.
It's his voice, I know it's him, yet he feels and sounds so distant it hurts.
It sends a wave of shivers all over my body, making me feel as if I was freezing.
It felt like the only thing, which could save me from freezing to death was his touch, but he never...

He spoke again, this time sounding like he was deep in thoughts. Like his body was near, but mind wandering somewhere far away. Somewhere, he would rather be now, but instead, he's stuck here, forced to stay near me. Not willing to hide the disappointment and hurt he carefully chose words, one by one they pierced my heart like a dull knife. It hurts.

"An Alphas daughter, one carrying clean Alpha bloodline, from both parents... I could never even imagine that someone as you might be so naive, so dumb, so weak...", he laughed. I stood there frozen, averting my gaze, fighting the tears which are threatening to escape any moment now. Even though I couldn't see him, I could feel his eyes on me, yet I can't force myself to look his way. I'm too afraid of the possibility of actually looking into his eyes. Even when the odds are so small, I'm still terrified.
I swallowed the lump forming in my throat and kept quiet. I have nothing to say. I'll stand my ground and listen, taking everything in. I am strong. I can do this.

"Oh, what's the matter, little girl? Are you going to cry? Such a pity, you turn out to be just a miserable spoiled brat. Let's be honest with each other, shall we? I want to know... Did you thought that I wanted you, that I needed you?", his words were laced in hatred, in cold venom, dropping from them, poisoning me, paralyzing my ability to think or speak.

"I- I- I...", I stuttered, not recognizing my voice. I sounded so vulnerable, so weak, so unlike me?

"You what? Stop stuttering and answer my question!", he yelled. Maybe it was my imagination, but maybe the wind did force through the forest with more force, when he spoke, raising his voice. It felt like the whole place had completely changed and kept changing the atmosphere, whenever he spoke.

"I thought that you wanted me...", I whispered under my breath, instantly cursing myself for the confession.

He laughed. This time sounding genuinely amused. So that's what I was, that's what I am for him. Amusement.

"I- I", I sucked in a deep breath and locked my gaze to the place, I thought he was hiding.

"No, I didn't think so. Actually, I hoped so. Happy? I HOPED you would want me, I wanted you to want me. I wanted for this to be more than just some stupid "duty" or "avoiding the war" thing. For almost all my life I have been kept away from the ones I loved, from the ones I care about. I've been treated like some kind of machine, trained for the day when someone might try to attack me. I don't blame them, no. They did it all for me, fearing for my safety. They saw a target on my back and did everything they could, everything in their power, to protect and hide me.
But you. It was different with you.
Even though I was angry, even though I wanted to hate you. I couldn't.
I wanted you to see me as yours. I've seen how mates treat each other, how they worship each other, love and care about each other.
That's what I wanted.
I know my family loves me, but I wanted to feel loved in a different kind of way.
I wanted, I needed for you to look at me like there's no tomorrow. I wanted for you to chose me, over everyone else, under any circumstances. I wanted to feel wanted, by you.
If that's what you call me being stupid, sure, do so, fine by me.
But I will not consider myself being dumb or uneducated for wanting to feel loved and needed!", I ranted my heart out, not being able to trust my feelings or emotions at this point. But I don't care. This most likely is the last time in my life when I see or to be more precise - hear his voice, feel his presence. He won't come back and I want him to know.
No, I'm not hoping for him to suddenly change his mind and trap me into his embrace, never letting go. Of course, a small part of me is dreaming of that, yet I won't let my hopes or dreams to build up.

"Such a stupid creature, you are, indeed", he hissed. Again, nothing but anger and hate.

Am I that bad? He didn't try to get to know me. Oh Goddess, yes I acted like a complete idiot at first, trying to find out what has been happening and why, but at the end of the day I did realize my mistakes. I did want to change something, but now, when we broke the bound, nothing will change or get better.
I signed, finally giving up. On him, on me, on us. Giving up on everything.

Before I could process what is happening, his ice-cold hand was on my neck, pinning my body against the nearest tree, hitting all breath out of me. I didn't try to resist or fight.
If I am about to die, let it happen from my mates hand. I have a lot to live for, yet now it feels like this is the easiest way out. For now.

I felt as life was slowly being drained out of me, while his hot breath hit my face. Finally, I looked up.
It's...
It's not him.
A shadow, not a person, the stench of rotten flesh coming from it.

Suddenly, without realizing it myself, I started trashing in his hold, fighting against him.

He let go of me, my body colliding with the soil beneath me, his enormous body towering over me. He didn't have a face, but smile - yellow teeth, with blood dripping from them was visible.

Taking in a sharp breath, I did what I thought I never would. I closed my eyes and screamed. I screamed for him.

"Lukas!", my voice was dry, yet the one word which left my lips was more than understandable.

I opened my eyes again, finding myself panting for breath, sweat covering my body from head to toes. I'm still in my bedroom, in my bed.
My heart kept beating rapidly, while I tried to normalize my breathing.

Just a nightmare. A nightmare. Again.