Chapter 34

Randhir PoV:

"Yes, you are absolutely right and that's the reason you helped me anonymously to come to this stage again," I said, looking at Sakshi.

She got shocked and her eyes started flowing tears.

Till now she did a lot for me. But I thought she left me in difficult times. I thought she is acting love. But No. It's me who behaved so stupidly.

If I really love her, I would not behave in that way. I tortured her so much with my words and acts. I killed her everyday. If it's not Sakshi, I am sure any other girl would have left me by now. But she bore everything with patience. I don't know how to ask her for forgiveness. I don't deserve her forgiveness.

I can't even look into her eyes. Guilt for all my deeds and every word I said to her, consumed me completely. I can't even stand in front of her. She said many times that my love changed her. It's true that she changed. But is it true that I love her? I tortured her so much.

I didn't leave any chance to hurt her. Her heart was broken by me. I didn't understand what to talk and how to talk with her now. I can't talk anything now. I will leave now. I need some time to forgive myself. I don't know how long it takes for me, to forgive myself.

I moved from there to leave. But, Sakshi held my hand.

"Randhir, please don't go leaving me. I am sorry for hiding that I helped you. I know you will be angry with me. But, I didn't mean to insult you. I helped you just to rectify my mistake. Please, don't leave me. I can't live without you."

Her words broken me completely. Still, she wants me to stay with her, even after torturing and killing her every second. Even now she is frightened thinking that I am angry at her.

I can't see into her eyes. I can't stand in front of her. But, if I leave now, she will get hurt more, thinking that I misunderstood her again. I have done more than enough. No husband in this world will be this rude to wife.

I never treated her as a human. Everytime and in every thing, I tried to hurt her. I didn't give her a chance, to explain herself. I didn't trust her love. I didn't give her a second chance, then how can I expect now to get forgiveness and a second chance for myself?

I don't deserve her or her love. I should punish myself. Only when she leaves me and hates me, I will get that punishment. I will make her to hate me and leave me.

I should know the pain of being hated by the one whom we love. I should feel the pain of abandoned by my love, when I need her the most. I must suffer for my deeds. I should bear the pain of carving for love and not getting it.

"I am not going anywhere, Sakshi. Please leave me alone for sometime," I asked her.

"But, Randhir....."

"Please," I said again.

She left me alone taking baby along with her. I took my belt with which I hit her and injured her hand. I removed my shirt and whipped myself for a longtime to the extent where I can't bear it anymore. My body started aching badly. Now I understood the pain, she bore when I hit her for every small mistake.

I heard the door knocking sound.

"Randhir, lunch is ready. Please come out and have your food," Sakshi called me.

I wore my shirt and went down. She is in the kitchen. She served food to me. I didn't show my face to her feeling guilty. We are having food but suddenly I got cough.

"Randhir, please be careful," she said and gave water to me patting on my head slowly.

That's when she saw my face. I know my eyes were swollen and red. It's not showing any emotions now. There is nowhere that confident, arrogant and bold Randhir now.

She cupped my face and pain is clearly visible on her face. Pain of seeing me in this condition. She is unable to bear seeing me like that. Her eyes became wet with salty water.

"Randhir, what happened to you? Why are you looking so pale and weak? Is anything wrong? Are you hurt because of me? I am sorry Randhir. I hurt you again," Sakshi said, crying.

When I punished her and she was in pain, I enjoyed it thinking that she deserved it. When she screams as I hit her hard, I used to feel happy thinking that I am making her realise her mistakes and controlling her bad behaviour.

But she is different. She is not happy seeing me like this. Instead, she is crying as if it's her pain. Why? Because she loves me. She wants me to be happy. I want to kill myself for my stupidity. She took me close to her placing her hand on my back. I screamed.

"Randhir, are you ok?" she asked.

"Randhir, please say something. You are frightening me with your silence. Please tell me what's wrong with you?" she asked again.

I didn't understand what to say.

"I understand. You are angry with me. That's why you are not talking to me. But please Randhir, tell me why are you like this? I don't know the reason but can see pain in your eyes. What happened to you? I am sorry if I made you angry. Please talk to me," she pleaded.

What should I talk? Did I have anything to say? I am such a stupid and heartless person, who enjoyed tears of my wife. Now what should I tell her? Should I leave her? Should I seek forgiveness from her? I am sure she will forgive me. But do I deserve her forgiveness and love?