Chapter 34 Jaxon

Two-thirty in the morning came and went, and I couldn’t bring myself to get off the couch and crawl into bed. My head was foggy because of the pills I’d taken, and my legs didn’t seem to want to work like they once had. The blanket I had draped over my lap was dirty, old, and smelled a bit like vomit, but I didn’t care. Not anymore, and not ever again. And not caring was worse than being angry, or hurt, or upset., Not caring meant I had no options left. My life, my loves, my passions ... it was gone. All of it was gone.
The pain in my body was astounding; I never knew recovery could hurt like this. I wouldn’t call myself a wuss; I’d taken some hard hits in my life and smiled through them through head injuries and broken bones. However, the constant sensation of pain, tingling, and occasional numbness in my legs were relentlessly agonizing and unforgiving. I wondered if I’d ever feel normal again. And even if I did, would I ever be the person I once was again?
I was doing everything in my power to not think about football. Had life been routine, I’d be asleep and resting before practice tomorrow. I’d lay in bed and dream about another impressive win, imagine the look on the coach's face when I scored that last, winning touchdown. In my head, I could hear the crowd cheering and hollering and saw the faces decorated with paint and colored clothes. School pride, that’s what college was all about. The games. The fun. The people. The memories. I’d been a star and an athlete. All my life had led up to this very moment: the kid on the full-ride football scholarship with the world in his hands. He was the golden boy, yeah, and everyone loved him. Everyone wanted to be him.
And now it was over.
Next to my head, my phone buzzed and then beeped to alert me that it was dying. For a moment, I made no move to look at it because I didn’t give a shit who it was. Who cared? But when it beeped again, I groaned and reached for it, not terribly surprised to see that it was Grayce texting me this late at night.
Grayce. My friend. My best friend, really. The only person who had bothered checking in, bothered caring.
R u ok?
I stared at the message on the screen, wondering if and how I could answer that. I knew she was concerned for me, but I was in such a shitty place her concern meant nothing to me. I wanted to be happy that I had her by my side, but I wasn’t happy. It had nothing to do with her, but what could she possibly do to make this all okay? The answer was simple: she couldn’t. No one could. So, was I alright? Really? Should I be okay after something like this? Maybe. But I wasn’t. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be okay again.
My thumb hovered over the buttons on the phone, and briefly, I considered calling her, just to hear her voice. If anyone could bring a smile to my face, it was Grayce.
But I didn't call. I didn't call because my biggest worry was that Grayce wouldn't help me either. She wouldn't make it better.
Instead, I typed a quick reply, ignoring the slight tremble in my fingers.
Yea, doing great, I answered, and when I went to hit send, my phone beeped again, and the screen shut down, losing my response and all communication to the outside world.
Sighing, I tossed the phone aside and sunk further into the couch cushions. I didn't care enough to charge it, so I reached for my bottle of pills instead to take another. The sweet buzzing in my head was all I needed to get through this. Now, possibly in the future, and for the rest of my life.
Maybe.
Probably.
I could only hope that at some point, they’d help me sleep.
Or, I'd sleep when I was dead.