Chapter 40 Jaxon

Grayce’s painfully raw goodbye weighed on my mind as I made my way home in a drunken state of self-pity and doubt. I didn’t want to feel such resentment towards her for sending me away, but I did. My frustration with the friendship grew with each passing day, and it was nobody’s fault but my own. I’d been horribly self-absorbed since the injury on the field, and Grayce had every right to be apathetic about it now. She wasn't malicious or spiteful, even if I wanted to say she was. She was simply human. Now it was me who felt cynical and childish, suspicious of the motives my friends were hiding.
Without looking for oncoming traffic, I stepped into the road to cross the street. Somebody in a blue Chevy swerved around me and laid on the horn, but I was too tired to care. The uneasiness in the pit of my stomach and the overwhelming sense of defeat wouldn’t release my focus. Grayce was the last support I’d had, an unwavering and devoted friend with a kindness radiating from her soul. If she was gone, who was left?
When I unlocked my apartment door and stumbled through a drunken haze of confusion, my back was throbbing with unbearable intensity, radiating from my neck, down my spine, and to my tailbone. My head was still swimming, and my stomach threatened to empty itself all over my living room floor every few minutes. I shut the door behind me and collapsed on the couch, exhausted but furious. Furious with the world, with the people, with myself.
Sitting on the coffee table next to my hand was the orange bottle of prescription painkillers. My hands shook as I reached for the bottle and tinkered with it, as clumsy as a toddler with a spoon. After ages, the lid popped off, and the pills spilled out. I felt no hesitancy as I gathered the ones I could find, not bothering to count them before tossing them into my mouth and chewing. The taste was vile and bitter, but a great satisfaction overcame me despite that.
Once those pills were down, I found some more and took those. I was desperate for this pain to disappear, not just the physical pain but the emotional turmoil. If the alcohol couldn’t do it, if a girl couldn’t, then maybe this could do it.
With a deep breath, I sat back on the couch and closed my eyes, listening to the police and fire truck sirens wail outside. It didn’t take long for the euphoria to hit, and I found myself slipping in and out of dreamland. I felt good for the first time in weeks. It was a sensation I didn’t want to lose.
Reaching for a half-empty bottle of beer abandoned on my coffee table, I took a long drink, barely able to keep my eyes open. My limbs and eyelids were heavy, and somewhere in the back of my mind, I heard the thud of the glass bottle as it slipped from my fingers. It hit the floor and rolled across the carpet as a cocoon of warmth overcame me; elation. Then, there was silence.