Chapter 53 Grayce

Martin Luther King Jr. once said, “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.”
I never took that quote literally until now. It turns out Mr. King was wise beyond his years.
Self-pity is a dangerous game; I knew that all too well. I was not oblivious to the misfortunes and devastation still happening around the world, even when, at times, I wanted nothing more than to mope in my own sadness.
As a small child, I knew better than to let a man dictate my feelings. Bearing witness to my mother’s reliance on men turned me off the desire to trust one. At one time, her self-worth depended on my father, and I never wanted to experience that. Pain and depression seemed foreseeable in every circumstance. I’d been cynical around men my entire life, and now I’d found it had all been for an excellent reason. Pain is inevitable … the choices that lead to the pain, however, are not.
Pushing Jaxon from my life was harder than I’d initially expected. I still struggled with admitting I’d fallen for someone so deeply and passionately. There was no solace in Alex’s words, even in her pleas to give it another chance. She urged me to open my soul to him and trust I wouldn’t be hurt. Even Shawn grudgingly admitted that I’d seemed happier when I was with Jaxon a few days later. Because my pride was greater than my self-pity, I disregarded their advice.
I hid the suffocating anguish the best I could, which wasn’t well, especially when Jaxon’s name popped up on my phone multiple times a day. Even then, text messages stayed closed and unread, his desperate knocks on the door vindictively ignored. After about two weeks in, his calls, texts, and drop-ins were sporadic and became less frequent.
During the loneliest nights, I’d wake each morning with a stiff, sore jaw from grinding my teeth, a nervous habit I’d acquired as a child that hadn’t reared its ugly head until now. My nails were bitten to the core, cuticles bleeding from the mindless nit-picking I’d inflicted. Clothes that had recently been too tight for me were now sliding on without a fight, even with room to spare.
While I still attended my classes religiously, I only ever left remembering less than a quarter of the lecture I’d just heard. I avoided every place on campus that Jaxon, for any reason, could have been. I wanted to see him, talk to him, and hold him, but deep down, I knew that cutting him out entirely would save me heartache in the long run. We couldn’t drag this out. We both knew better than that. Jaxon deserved more than me, more than some girl with a trunk full of emotional baggage and anxiety issues. He was self-assured, open, and vibrant, and I was the exact opposite. We weren’t compatible, and I think we both knew it, even if neither of us wanted to admit it.
Three weeks later, on a rainy Saturday evening, Alex and I decided to go to the season's last football game. Well, she decided. It seemed to be Alex’s ploy to get me out of my pajamas and through the front door, and while I wasn’t pleased, I knew I wouldn’t be able to take her in this physical state. Shawn joined us, too, because I’d concluded that I couldn’t push people like him away anymore, not if I wanted anybody to stick around.
I pulled on some sweats so I could tighten the string around the waist (according to Alex, my ass was too flat now to even bother trying to wear jeans), and then I reached into the closet for a jacket, withdrawing a hoodie instead that was not by any means mine. It was an Eagle River University Football hoodie that Jaxon must have left behind. I raised the fabric to my nose and inhaled deeply, a wave of nostalgia washing over me. Before I could shed a tear over it, Alex was coming out of the bathroom, all prepped and ready, and I couldn’t let myself break down in front of her. I threw the hoodie into the back of the closet, grabbed my own jacket, and followed her out the door.
The Mini Dome, an enormous indoor sports arena that boasted the size of two football fields, was brimming with cars and pedestrians. Inside and out were packed with hundreds and hundreds of college students from our school. The rival school was on the other side of the arena, dressed in their colors and costumes. It was hot and stuffy around us as Alex and I waded through the crowd to find decent seats. We met Shawn there, who already had our mugs of beer and Styrofoam plates of nachos. Alex had convinced me to paint my face our school colors before leaving the house, just to show some school pride, and I told her I’d only do it if she did it, too. We both looked ridiculous, but we didn’t look any sillier than the hundreds of other students doing the same thing.
By halftime, The Bengals were up by fifteen points. In their flashy costumes, the drill team sauntered onto the field to do their halftime show. While I was glad we were winning, I couldn’t help but roll my eyes over the fact that Tyler was kicking ass. He’d stepped up in Jaxon’s place and played damn well for an inconsiderate jerk.
As the drill team wrapped up their performance dance and made their way off the field, Alex and I bought another beer and got to our feet to cheer for the last half of the game. We watched the team run back out onto the field, but before they could get into position, there was a loud squeal over the crowd of onlookers, the sharp sound of a microphone playback.
“Frick,” Alex said, poking one finger into her ear canal. Most of the stadium went quiet as murmurs sifted through the crowd. Down below, on the field, a figure walked out to stand near the team. It was Jaxon, and he was holding the microphone in his hand. He stopped a few feet in front of his old teammates and looked up at the stands of people.
“What on earth is he doing?” I asked Alex. My heart was racing now, unpleasantly fluttering against my chest. The entire crowd was staring at him. Some people were whispering while others shouted and whistled. Alex looked at me and then peered at Shawn. He shrugged.
“Grayce Harrison,” Jaxon said into the microphone. My name echoed off the dome around us, bouncing off the walls, and I prayed I was imaging it all as the big screen above our heads flashed to our section of the arena, zoning on my deer-in-the-headlights expression.
“Oh shit,” I said. When Jaxon said my name, I could not ignore the warming sensation radiating through my chest.
It’s not an exaggeration to say that nearly every head in the stadium turned to look in my direction. There was no way my face could flush any brighter, and for a split second, I was sure I would pass out right there on the popcorn and sticky soda pop-laden concrete floor. I stared at the field, my eyes meeting Jaxon’s in a moment of uncertain clarity.
“Grayce, I don’t care that you’re scared,” Jaxon said. He walked towards our side of the area, taking the mic with him. Even from a distance, I could see the brightness in his eyes and the dimple on his cheek. He’d cut his hair, but it was still just long enough that I could already imagine running my hands through it.
“I don’t care that you don’t think you can trust me,” he continued. “Because we both know that’s bullshit. All I care about, Grayce, is being with you because I simply cannot imagine my life without you in it.”
Beside me, Alex took my hand and squeezed my fingers. I took a deep breath, but it didn’t seem to help.
“Regardless of what happens between us, whether it works out or it doesn’t, I don’t intend to let you go,” Jaxon said. “If that means we stay nothing but friends for the next one hundred years, I’m okay with that because then at least you’ll be here.”
Jaxon stopped talking to allow the words he’d spoken to sink in. An electrical buzz was traveling through my system, my heart beating rapidly against my chest. There were some whistles in the crowd, cheers, and even a boo or two, and I was still trying to wrap my head around what was happening right in front of me.
“You amaze me, Grayce,” Jaxon said. He handed the microphone off to somebody, and as the crowd cheered him on, he jogged up the bleacher steps to where Alex, Shawn, and I were standing. He slipped between the audience until he was standing in front of me, face-to-face. My mouth went dry.
“There’s nothing in the world you could ever do to scare me away,” Jaxon said. He placed his palms lightly against either side of my face. My skin tingled beneath his touch, and my lips parted as I tried to catch my breath
“You sound ridiculous,” I said. My voice cracked. Jaxon skimmed his fingertips along my jawline, still cupping my face. I raised my hands up and covered his fingers with mine.
“Life is ridiculous,” Jaxon said. “You know that. We both know that.”
“Jaxon.” I was fighting the tears threatening to spill from my eyes. I wasn’t thinking of the crowd of people anymore; they were non-existent in this moment of disbelief. “Why are you doing this?” I whispered. “Why me?”
“I want you,” he said. There wasn’t a single beat of hesitation. “I want to love you. I do love you. I love everything about you.”
“You don’t know me. You know nothing about me, Jaxon, or who I am. You think you want me, but you have no idea what you’re getting into.”
“You think so?” Jaxon said. His fingers continued to caress the red flush of my face as he spoke. His eyes were bright and lovely, eyes with no intention of being deceitful.
“I think so,” I said.
“Do you want to know what I do know?” Jaxon asked. One hand lifted from my face to brush a strand of hair out of my eyes. Every nerve ending in my body tingled. “I know that your favorite color is aqua. Not blue, and not green, but aqua, the color of the Caribbean Sea.”
I opened my mouth to stop him, but he kept on going.
“I know your favorite cereal is Cheerios, but only if you have sugar to sprinkle on top of it.”
“Jaxon.”
“I know you want to write political pieces and travel the world, educating people about the havoc wreaked on other countries.”
“Don’t make me fall harder for you than I already have,” I said desperately. Jaxon dropped one hand and put the finger on my lips to shush me. I swallowed.
“I know that you care about people so deeply, so passionately, that the world can’t help but love you back,” he said. The anxiety in my muscles was loosening, my jaw relaxing, and the tingling sensation where his skin touched mine was growing.
“But—”
“And I know I would do anything for you,” Jaxon continued. He dropped his finger from my lips, resting his hand on my waist. “I think I knew that from the beginning when I carried you home that night. I just had no idea at the time that you would come to mean so much to me.”
I was feeling lightheaded, elated with the desire to touch and explore every inch of Jaxon’s being. Not just his body but his mind.
“Grayce, I would move mountains to see you smile and march in a thousand more parades if I were by your side … inflatable vagina and all.”
“Oh, God.” I put my hands over my mouth, laughing and crying at the same time.
“I won’t be the idiot who screws this up, not when you’re the first person I’ve ever met who makes me want to be a better person.” Jaxon inhaled deeply, his slight smile building. “Your encouragement, your drive, your dreams … it’s inspiring. I want you by my side when we take on the world together.” He paused, then reached out again, taking my chin between two fingers, drawing me into him with nothing more than his soft, lingering touch. “You want to stand there and say that I don’t know you and don’t know what I’m getting into, but you’re wrong. I think I know you better than you know yourself, and that scares the shit out of you.”
He pulled me into him, lacing his hands near my back to keep me close. I parted my lips, cupped my hands around the sides of his neck, then moved them up slowly until I sifted them through his hair. I closed my eyes as Jaxon went in for the kiss. His lips lingered on mine, teasing, biting my lower lip. Around us, the entire dome erupted in an ear-shattering round of cheers and applause as Jaxon and I kissed again. I melted into him, weak in the knees, securely held by his arms. My body fit against his perfectly, like missing pieces of a puzzle.
“I’ll be with you,” he said in my ear. His breath was warm against my skin, the onset of a five-o-clock shadow tickling my cheek. “I’ll be with you always, through hell or high water. The more you push me away, the harder I’ll fight to stay. I love you, Grayce. I love you more than I have ever loved another person.”
Tears ran down my cheeks, soaking the front of Jaxon’s shirt as he stroked my hair. I wiped them away and sniffed, burying my head in his neck, inhaling the familiar scent of his after-shave. Never had I felt so comfortable in the arms of another person. I trusted him, wanted him, and loved him from the depths of my soul.
“This love you speak of won’t be easy,” I teased. “It will probably be the hardest thing you will ever have to do.”
Jaxon laughed that beautiful laugh that made my toes curl and lungs inflate. Such a lovely sound, that laugh, a sound I wanted to hear every day for the rest of my life.
“Some pain in the ass girl once quoted Gandhi to me,” he said. “Something about, ‘whenever you are confronted with an opponent—”
“—conquer him with love,” I finished, and Jaxon kissed me again.