Chapter 48 Jaxon

I knew it was juvenile to use alcohol to numb my feelings, but I didn’t see any other way to do it. It was a feeling I was getting used to, a sense of sadness and anger, loneliness, and now even desperation as I sat alone in my apartment, chugging the last little bit of vodka I had stashed in the freezer for such an emergency. It didn’t feel like it should be the end, but I was coming to the shitty conclusion that it was. Grayce wanted nothing to do with me anymore, and I wasn’t sure she ever did. If this is what rejection felt like, I never wanted to feel it again.
The more significant part of me wanted to keep trying. I knew she had a wall up, hiding behind a guard so big it made the Wall of China look like nothing. I desperately wanted to break that wall down. I wanted to convince her I could help, that I could be the haven in her life she never thought existed. I wanted to be there for her, to show her the world wasn’t bad and that she could let go just long enough to see good in the world. But I was losing hope, and it was because I knew that wasn’t what she wanted. She didn’t want to be saved. She wanted to be left alone, and I was nearing the point of exhaustion.
Earlier in the evening, Tyler had texted me about a party, but I had no desire to go. I was growing tired of the same shit. The random girls, the hangovers, the gluttony of college students, and their drama. I wanted more. Finally, I wanted more than infantile parties and one-night-stands for the first time in my life. And although I wanted to pat myself on the back for avoiding such nonsense tonight, I wasn’t sure getting drunk alone in my house was the answer. But even then, knowing the reality, I could be glad it wasn’t pills.
As the limited alcohol I had left dwindled to the end, I picked up my phone and, through bleary eyes, called up Grayce. What I intended to tell her over the phone was beyond me. I just wanted to hear her voice, even if all she could do was scream at me. It didn’t matter one way or the other, though, because she didn’t answer. I expected nothing less, of course, but it hurt just the same. For the next few minutes, I debated with myself about what to do next. Yes, I should forget about her and move on. But it didn’t seem to matter how many times I told myself that. I still had this annoying urge to fight for it and her. Time was running out for us, and maybe it was the alcohol-consuming my logical thoughts, but I didn’t want it to end now. Not now, probably not ever.
I stood up too quickly and almost fell, but after composing myself, I slipped my cell phone into my pocket and walked out the door to make this right, come hell or high water.
It was a quarter to eleven, and although there was a chance that she was already in bed, I couldn’t turn around and go home. Not yet, not when we’d left everything between us so unfinished.
The front porch light to Grayce’s house was on, so I was motivated to step up and knock on the door. I wanted to see her face, even if it was an expression of anger and intense hatred. I needed to talk to her. I needed us to work through this, even if she didn’t feel the same way. But it wasn’t Grayce who answered the door. It was Alex.
“Is Grayce here?” I asked.
“No, sorry,” Alex said. Sitting on the couch behind her was Katie, and I felt jealous of the normality of their attraction. She glared at me, displeased that I’d interrupted whatever darling romance they’d been engaged in, but I didn’t have time to care.
“Where is she?” I demanded. Alex sighed loudly. She didn’t seem very happy with me, and I didn’t blame her even a bit.
“She went to a party with Shawn,” she said finally. At first, I wasn’t sure I heard her correctly, and a ball of dread filled so quickly in my stomach that I almost felt like puking.
“A party?” I repeated. “Don’t tell me they went to—””
“Yeah, as in your douchebag football friend’s party,” Alex said distastefully. Reading the expression on my face, she started to nod. “Trust me; I thought the same thing.”
“Christ.”
“I know.”
“Well, thanks.” I turned to leave, but Alex called out to me.
“Jaxon,” she said and stepped out the door, closing it behind her for privacy. She took a deep breath, folding her arms across her chest. “Why now?” she asked. “Before now, you never took a second look at Grayce. She didn’t even exist. So why now? What are you doing?”
I hesitated before answering, knowing exactly what I was going to say and not caring if Alex believed me or not.
“I know her now,” I said. “I … I think I … I love her, Alex.”
She seemed taken aback by that, but she didn’t take a swing at me, which was a good thing. She sighed again, biting her lower lip. I prepared for her to fight me, to tell me what a loser I was and how stupid I must be to say those words. Instead, she nodded. A simple nod, just once. A no-bullshit invitation to go for it. We had her blessing.
“Don’t fuck with her, okay?” she said. “Grayce is my best friend, and she deserves the best in the world. So, if you’re going to ride in on your white horse and rescue her … you better make it a fucking kick-ass stallion.”
“Yeah,” I said. “I intend to.”