Chapter 47 Grayce

When I woke the following day, Jaxon was gone, but a hand-scribbled note sat next to my bed on top of the nightstand. The letter said he’d gone to class already but couldn’t wait to see me later. The mere thought of seeing him again set my nerves on edge and my anxiety into high drive. I’d given myself to Jaxon completely, not just physically but emotionally, and now things were about to get real. I should have kept my mouth shut, forced my issues down so they wouldn’t rear their ugly heads and scare him off, which I knew they were eventually bound to do. I was a glutton for punishment when it came to my secrets, and most guys couldn’t handle it, which is why I’d never told anyone. The only person in my life who knew about the abuse was Alex, and even before her, it was Shawn. It had never been anyone else’s business. Now it was, though, and I regretted ever speaking the words to him.
Alex was still asleep as I made a pot of coffee and packed my bag for class. I considered skipping and going back to bed, but I couldn’t let my emotional drama get in the way of school. Despite the note, I wasn’t about to shatter the biggest goal in my life over a shitty one-night stand with a guy I’d probably never hear from again. A scribbled message on paper meant nothing; if I acted quickly enough, I could nip this nightmare before either of us was drowning in an even more bottomless sinkhole.
It was a struggle to stay awake in my first class, but I felt a little bit better by noon rolled around, and I’d consumed my fifth cup of coffee. As usual, I took my break in-between classes in the cafeteria, grabbing a muffin and a bottle of water to dilute the caffeine in my system. I took a seat in the furthest empty booth and pulled out my notebook to jot down a few notes for an upcoming article on the rodeo team that Gavin had assigned to me. After Jaxon’s accident, he had no interest in reporting so vehemently on the football team. Apparently, they weren’t as impressive without their Golden Boy, so after he landed in the hospital, I’d moved on to bigger and better things: rednecks and bull-riding thrills.
I was so consumed in my writing I almost didn’t see Jaxon approach me from across the cafeteria. He wore a hooded sweatshirt with the ERU’s logo etched across the front, and his hands lingered in the front pocket. He stopped in front of the table and stared at me.
“Hey,” he said. I hated that I felt exhilaration buzz through my body when I heard his voice.
“What do you want?” I couldn’t make eye contact with him for long because I knew if I did, my face would flush bright red and give my anxiety away. I felt like we were back to the moment I’d met him, consumed with social anxieties that crippled and embarrassed me.
“We should talk,” Jaxon said. “About last night when you tried to make me leave.”
Although I was just paranoid, I felt like every set of eyes in the building were on us right now, waiting in anticipation for the humiliation to blow up in my face.
“What we did was wrong.” I looked down at the pencil in my hand, wishing I could draw a hole in the notebook in front of me and sink through it into another world and away from here.
“What are you talking about?” Jaxon asked, and he took a seat across from me, tossing my bag out of the way. I sighed and dropped the pencil.
“Sleeping together,” I whispered, and he rolled his eyes.
“You’re certainly singing a different tune than you were in bed last night,” he said, not bothering to lower his voice. Two girls who had been deep in conversation stopped and looked over at us, giving me specifically a once over before turning back to their business. I flushed and rested my head in my hand, wishing I could just disappear.
“You’re a pig,” I said.
“Grayce, I enjoyed it, too,” Jaxon said. “I thought it’s what you wanted. If it wasn’t, you should have told me. I didn’t want to pressure you into anything, and I wish you knew that. What is it that you want?”
“I don’t know what I want.” I straightened up, gathering my books and reaching for my bag on the floor. Jaxon reached out to stop me, but I yanked away from him, and he pulled back, startled.
“What in the hell is the matter?” he asked. The cocky grin I’d come to know and adore was long gone, the confusion in his eyes evident.
“I have to go,” I said and backed away from him, ignoring the curiously judgmental stares of the girls at the table next to us.
“Please don’t leave,” Jaxon said. He stood up as if trying to stop me, but I was already ahead of him.
“I’m sorry,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m so sorry. Just leave it alone, okay?”
“Grayce—”
I didn’t bother to wait around for a second later. I walked briskly from the building and headed to the bar where I knew I’d find Alex. Being home alone was not an option. I couldn’t do that now, not while I was so close to breaking down. I needed someone, anyone, that wasn’t Jaxon.
“Girl, what on earth is the matter?” Alex asked as I walked into the bar. I hadn’t even noticed until then that tears were streaming down my face, probably smearing what little bit of makeup I’d managed to apply that morning. She stared at me intently, concerned and shocked. Ignoring the customers staring at me curiously, I approached the bar, trying to pull myself together. Alex came around from behind and hugged me, holding me, letting me cry into her shoulder.
“Tell me,” she insisted. “What happened? Do I need to beat somebody’s ass?” I took a rattling breath and reached up to wipe the moisture from my face.
“I slept with Jaxon.” As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I knew there was no taking them back now. I hadn’t meant to say it, I hadn’t intended to say anything, but it was too late to deny it now. Alex held me by the shoulders in front of her, and I saw her jaw drop.
“Come again?” she said.
“You heard me.”
For a moment, there was silence, and I could see Alex trying to piece things together in her head. I expected one of two things: either she would flip the hell out and scream at me for being so gullible around an asshole like Jaxon Tate, or, well, she wouldn’t.
“Grayce,” she said finally, and I forced myself to look at her. “Were you drunk?” she asked. I scoffed and shook my head.
“No. I was cold stone sober.”
“How did it happen?”
“He came over last night.”
“Why?”
“Because I invited him,” I sniffed. Alex grimaced.
“Of course you did.”
“I felt like it was a good idea for us to talk about him making a move on me,” I told her. “I intended to tell him off, cut him out, but . . . that didn’t work.” Alex scoffed, and no words were needed to tell me that, apparently, my escapade didn’t go as planned.
“He needed the company, I guess . . . and honestly, so did I.” I looked away from her and shook my head. “We started talking, and one thing led to another.”
“Jesus,” Alex said, and I couldn’t decipher her tone. She was still staring at me as if seeing a whole new person in place of her “vanilla” best friend.
“Go ahead,” I said finally. “Tell me what an idiot I am for taking off my pants for Jaxon. Tell me he’s a douchebag and a player, and I’m just another one of his hussies. Tell me.” I was crying again, and I had no idea why. My eyes burned with tears, and the lump in my throat was growing by the second.
“I’m not going to say any of that,” Alex said. She surprised me by reaching down and taking my hand. “Because I don’t think any of it’s true.”
I wiped another waterfall of tears off my cheek and sniffed. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t think he’s always a douchebag,” she said. “And I don’t believe you were just some random girl he fucked. I think he cares about you.”
“He doesn’t care about—”
“And you care about him, too,” she said, and her comment made me stop dead in my tracks. She’d said it before, but I hadn’t taken it seriously. This time, for some reason, it was different, no matter how much I wanted to stand there and deny it to her face.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” I said. “We’re just friends. Barely that. It was a mistake to do it, and it will not happen again.”
“Okay.” Alex raised her hands in the air, surrendering. Then she reached out and wiped a tear from my cheek. “If you ask me, it might be more than just feelings,” she said. “Much, much more.”

It was almost ten. Alex was off for the night, and I was flipping through the TV channels, hearing words but not watching. It was Halloween night, but unlike the other students on campus, I had no fun plans for the evening. That was a shame because I loved Halloween. For the last couple of years, Alex and I had thrown our own little Halloween get-together complete with Jell-O shots and sweet treats, but that wasn’t happening tonight . . . for more reasons than just one.
Alex was in the bathroom, perfecting her makeup because her newest fling Katie was on her way over to hang out. When it came to Alex, hanging out with another gay girl usually consisted of a lot of tequila and kinky sex. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be around for it, but I had nowhere else to go. I knew I couldn’t deny Alex the opportunity to have some time for herself. Sometimes, my drama wasn’t the only production that mattered.
I was about to forfeit any semblance of a life and just go straight to bed when there was a knock on the door. Assuming it was Katie, I went to answer it, more than just a little bit surprised to see Shawn standing on the front steps.
“Um, hi,” I said. “What’s up?”
“Do you want to go to a Halloween party with me?” he asked. He had his hands in his pockets, looking sheepishly at me as if he’d debated all night as to whether or not to bother with asking me.
“I’m not really in the mood to go out,” I said, and although I was very much used to Shawn’s perfect expression of penetrating rejection, for some reason, it made me feel even worse tonight.
“You love Halloween,” he said. “Or at least, you used to.” He turned to go, and I called out to stop him for some reason that I couldn’t quite understand.
“Actually,” I said. “Maybe getting out would be good for me. Where’s the party?”
“Right off campus, on 5th Street,” Shawn said, lighting up visibly. “It’s at some kid’s house … Tyler, I think his name is.”
“Oh, God,” I rolled my eyes, apparently a little bit too hard, because Shawn looked crestfallen. Again.
“Do you know him?” he asked. Before I could answer, Alex came up behind me with a look on her face that cut me to my very soul.
“Seriously?” she said and looked straight at me. “You’re going to go to Tyler’s party?”
“Yes,” I said firmly. “Would you like to come?”
“Katie is on her way,” Alex said. “And besides, you couldn’t bind and gag me long enough to get me there.” She was staring at me heavily, waiting for me to change my mind, to agree with her, because let’s face it: Tyler wasn’t either of our best friends.
“Let’s go,” I said to Shawn, ignoring Alex's look. “I need a drink or ten.”
Despite the party being Tyler’s, I still wanted to go. Free booze and new people might take my mind off Jaxon. Anything was worth a shot, even if it did involve crashing the asshole's party. And as I gathered my jacket to walk with Shawn to Tyler’s party, avoiding Alex’s disapproving gaze, deep down, I knew the real reason I was going. It was a reason I wouldn’t admit, especially not to Shawn. If Tyler was there, Jaxon might be there, too, and that was motivation enough.