Chapter 35 Grayce

As the days dragged on, things didn’t get better, not for anybody. In fact, they seemed only to get worse. I no longer saw Jaxon flaunting his stuff around campus. From what I could tell, he wasn’t even going to class. He didn’t answer his phone and rarely even bothered to open his door. It was exhausting worrying about him, and no matter how much Alex told me to leave it alone and let go, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew without a doubt that Jaxon needed people by his side now more than ever.
I could only assume that Tyler had been checking in on him occasionally, which made me feel a bit better, but I couldn’t bring myself to sever all ties and move on. Jaxon was hurting, depressed, and I wasn’t the kind of person to turn my back on him just because he’d made a mean comment about us dating. Had I forgotten about it altogether? Hell, no. Thinking about that day in the library made my heart hurt and my skin flush with mild humiliation, but now wasn’t the time to bring it up to him. Whether he treasured my friendship was irrelevant. Someone needed to be there, even if it had to be me.
Part of Jaxon’s recovery was physical therapy, and his surgeon had managed to send an in-home therapist to him so Jaxon wouldn’t have to find a way to the clinic twice a week. With the way he reacted to the poor therapist, you’d think the guy was just there to intentionally inflict all the pain in the world on him. The third time I met Jaxon’s PT, I’d stopped by to drop him a few cheap groceries and a case of toilet paper. (I’d learned very quickly while sitting on the pot, unable to hold my bladder until I got home, that he was down to one roll, and there didn’t seem to be any more of it anywhere in the house.)
“I want you to bend your knees and do a squat,” his therapist said as I put the half-gallon of milk in Jaxon’s refrigerator. “Get down as far as you can without falling.”
I straightened up to peer over the counter and into the living room. Jaxon and his PT—Jake, I think—were facing each other in the middle of the floor. The look on Jaxon’s face made it clear that he was a mere squat away from punching the guy.
“I am squatting,” Jaxon said.
“Get down lower,” Jake, the PT told him. I filled up a cup of water and brought it to Jaxon, hoping he wouldn’t throw it in the guy’s face.
“You’re doing well,” I said, and Jaxon scowled. Jake looked at me and smiled. He was a handsome guy; I’d be blind not to notice. Tall and blond with a kind smile and a relaxed stature.
“Having a support system is wonderful,” Jake said.
“Yeah, well, someone’s got to bring him food, so he doesn’t starve to death, right?” I joked. Jake laughed, but now Jaxon was looking at me, eyes narrowed, and I kept the glass of water in sight in case he threw it at me instead.
“Jaxon is lucky to have you,” Jake said. “Significant others are always the best ones to have around.”
“I’m not his girlfriend,” I said quickly. “We’re just friends.”
“Oh, okay,” Jake said. He chuckled but didn’t look away from me. “I wish I had more friends like you; where do I sign up?” He grinned again, then looked at Jaxon as though seeking some sort of manly high five. Every muscle in Jaxon’s body was visibly rigid now, and he stared at Jake with a look I didn’t even want to attempt to decipher.
“I better leave you guys to it,” I said, flustered. I reached for the glass of water Jaxon held in a white-fisted grip. I had to wrestle it from his hand, but I wasn’t comfortable leaving Jake open and vulnerable when Jaxon had a ready-to-use weapon. I turned to rinse the cup out in the kitchen sink, but Jake stopped me.
“I hate to be so forward, but since you’re not involved with anyone, maybe—”
“Get out,” Jaxon said. Jake and I turned to look at him, and my jaw fell to the floor.
“Jaxon,” I said. “Knock it off.” The physical therapist put his hands in the air.
“Sorry, man, I didn’t mean to overstep boundaries.”
“I said get out,” Jaxon said. “Now.”
“But we’re not finished with our—”
“I will throw your ass out.” Jaxon stormed across the living room with impressive endurance for someone who could barely do a squat only a moment ago and then flung open the door. Jake the PT looked at me as if waiting for me to step in and do something. I opened my mouth and closed it again. Then I did the only thing I could think of: I shrugged.
“Sorry,” I said. “It’s his house.”
We didn’t see the physical therapist again.

It was Friday night when I decided I’d try and stop by again to check in on him. There was always a 50/50 chance that Jaxon would even open the door to company. This time he did, but he looked no better than he had looked for two weeks now.
“You’re going downhill pretty damn fast,” I said, walking through the open door. Jaxon was staring at me with a bleary gaze. Despite how bad he looked, pale and sick, that charming expression crossed over his face, and he forced a smile. I missed that smile, but it wasn’t as genuine as it had once been.
“It’s all downhill from here, baby.” He picked up a bottle of beer and raised it to his lips. The lack of food in his apartment was astounding, but he didn’t seem to be low on alcohol. He was drunk, I could tell, but I decided to let it go and not reprimand him for it, at least not this time.
“That’s not necessarily a good thing.” We sat together on the couch, where I found myself suddenly tempted to reach out and hug him. However, I figured that he might withdraw if I did. Instead, we sat silently, staring at the wall, not saying much of anything. I'd come to find that this was becoming a regular thing with us, and I genuinely missed our conversations and witty banter.
“How’s Shawn?” Jaxon asked after a bit.
“I don’t know,” I said. “I haven’t seen him much lately.” Jaxon didn’t say anything to this, but he almost looked pleased.
“How’s Tyler?” I asked him. “He’s been by to see you, right?” I had no interest in Tyler or his well-being, but I couldn’t deny that he was Jaxon’s friend. Not even I was malicious enough to stand between that, no matter how much I disliked the jerk.
“Tyler,” Jaxon mused. I couldn’t read his expression or tone, but I could only assume his so-called BFF hadn’t been by even once.
“What about your coach?” I asked. “Has he been by to check on you? Or any of your teammates? Or your parents?”
“Easy there, Harrison, you’re taking shots at what little self-esteem I have left,” Jaxon said. He meant it to lighten the mood, but it didn’t help. I felt a surge of anger travel through my chest, but I kept it shoved down so I wouldn’t upset Jaxon more. I wanted to scream at his friends, to remind them that Jaxon was still a human being with human feelings, even if he couldn’t play for their stupid team. Without their support, he wouldn’t get better. I couldn’t hold him up myself, and I think we both knew that.
“I have to go,” I said and stood up from the couch. Jaxon sat up, rubbing the haze from his eyes.
“Don’t, Grayce,” he warned.
“Don’t what?”
“Leave it be,” he told me. “Don’t get pissed off at people because they haven’t been over to coddle me. I don’t need them. I don’t need anybody.”
“Nobody?” I asked him, and Jaxon looked away before he could face the words he’d just said to me. This time they’d been said aloud and not hidden in some secret conversation between library walls. “Maybe I should let you be,” I said.
“You know I don’t want that,” he murmured. “You know I didn’t mean it.”
“I’ll bet you don’t mean a lot of the things you say,” I said, and the irritation in my tone was unmistakable. Before he could ask what I meant, however, I yanked the beer bottle from his hands, poured it out in the sink, and threw the empty bottle away. Then I headed for the door. “I’ll be back,” I said, slipping on my jacket. “Don’t do anything stupid.”
I found Tyler exactly where I’d expected to find him; down on the football field with his team for practice. He was sitting on the bench with a bottle of Gatorade in his hand and sweat dripping from his face as I approached him. He didn’t even glance my way at first. I might as well have been invisible, which wouldn’t have been a problem had I not needed to speak with him.
“Tyler?” I said, stepping up next to him. He looked over at me finally, shading his eyes from the bright sunlight.
“Grayce, right?” he asked, but I knew he was aware of exactly who I was. He tried to sound polite but looked at me like I’d kicked his dog.
“Right,” I stepped to the side, beckoning him to join me. He glanced back at his football friends, who didn’t even notice I was standing there, then he stood up and walked a few feet with me to a quieter place.
“What’s up?” he asked. I could tell he didn’t give a shit one way or the other. I kept my hands pinned safely to my side so I wouldn’t accidentally nut punch him or something.
“Have you talked to Jaxon since he’s been out of the hospital?” I asked. Tyler hesitated like I’d asked him a trick question. He shook his head.
“I tried calling once or twice, but he never answered.”
“And that didn’t worry you?” I tried not to sound irritated, but it was useless.
“I figured he needed his space,” said Tyler. “He’s probably still hurting.”
“And it didn’t dawn on you that now would probably be an excellent time to be there for support?”
“Jaxon is a big boy,” Tyler said. The urge to slap the idiocy from him was overwhelming.
“He’s also your best friend,” I said sharply. “And I can tell you right now that he’s not doing very well. At all. But you would know if you gave a flying fuck, right?”
“It sounds like you’ve got it under control,” Tyler said, then he turned to leave.
“What in the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“You’re a smart girl. You figure it out,” Tyler said. He winked at me and then licked his lips as if staring down his next screw. I felt a shiver run up my spine as I watched him walk away, and I never hated anyone more than I did him at that very moment.
Although I wasn’t exactly expecting a trophy for confronting Tyler like the good friend I was trying to be, I certainly wasn’t expecting the whirlwind of rage Jaxon had for me when I got back to his place.
“What were you thinking, confronting Tyler?” he snapped. “I told you not to, and you went ahead and did it anyway. What is wrong with you?”
Knowing there wasn’t enough time in the world to get into that discussion, I brushed it aside.
“I needed to know why he didn’t care enough to come and see you,” I said. “I wanted to see what ridiculous excuse he had to bow out instead of being there for his best friend.”
“Best friend?” Jaxon repeated. “He was my football buddy, Grayce, and now I can no longer play the game. Why is it his problem? That’s how shit works, okay? We have nothing in common anymore. The truth is, I can’t blame him.”
“You really believe that?” I asked. “You believe that friendships are made based on what you have in common, and if that common interest collapses, then that’s it? The friendship is over?”
“Isn’t that how it is?” Jaxon said with a shrug. “You and I only know each other through football. That’s the reason we met at all.”
“Here’s the difference, jackass,” I said. “We met through football, you got hurt, and I’m still here.” I paused, trying to rein in my anger before I threw something hard and heavy, damaging him further. “People aren’t friends because of something silly like a sport or a movie, Jaxon. People are friends because they care about each other in a way only friends can. They stand by you when you’re down, pull you up when you’re sinking, and love you even when the rest of the world doesn’t. That’s what a friend is.”
I thought I’d gotten through to him for a moment, but the anger on Jaxon’s face was imminent.
“Don’t you get it?” he said. “My life is over, Grayce. Everything I was, everything I am, is done. Gone. I will never be who I once was ever again.”
“You’re still alive,” I said quietly. “That means something.”
“It means nothing!” Jaxon shouted, and I watched in utter shock as he wheeled around and put his fist into his living-room wall. An ear-splitting crack seemed to ricochet through the house as the drywall crumbled beneath his fist. Jaxon wheeled on me, and for a brief second, I was sure he would hit me, too, but he didn’t. I took one step back and then another. His arm dropped to his side, and he stood staring, breathing heavily, trying to pull himself together.
“Jaxon,” I said but stopped because I had no idea what to say. I was at a loss for words, an infrequent event that typically only happened to me while flirting.
“I think you need to leave,” he said and pointed at the door as if he were scolding a dog. “Just go home. You don’t need to take care of me; I can do that myself.”
For a moment, there was silence as his words settled heavily in the air between us. My throat tightened up with dread and anger, and I swallowed back what little bit of dignity I had left and nodded my head just once.
“You’re right,” I said. “I shouldn’t be here. It’s not like anyone’s holding a gun to my head and forcing me to be your friend. Right?”

“If I ever see that rat bastard again, I will break his face.” Alex’s eyes were burning with what I could only assume was wild fury. She was practically shaking as she paced our living-room floor, shaking her head as she cursed vividly.
“I don’t know if you could feasibly break him anymore,” I said. “At least not physically. He’s pretty much just a shell of a person.” I was curled up on the couch, legs tucked beneath me, cradling a mug of cocoa spiked with Kahlua in my hands. I’d debated even telling Alex about what had gone down with Jaxon last night, but since she was my best friend, obviously, it was inevitable. She had looked past the first time he’d been an asshole, and she’d done it for me, but there was no room to forgive this time. “It’s fine,” I continued. “It’s probably better this way.”
“It’s not fine,” she said and stopped pacing long enough to glare at me as if I was the whole problem, and she was debating just punching me instead. “It’s not fine at all. I told you Jaxon wasn’t worth it, Grayce, and like your good friend, you didn’t just leave it be.”
“Of course not,” I said. “That’s not who I am. Jaxon needed a friend, and I was there. I would have done the same for you. And for Shawn. And for anyone else who needed me.”
“I know,” Alex said. She sat next to me on our couch and looked sadly at me. “You are an amazing person,” she told me. “You’re my best friend, Grayce, and he doesn’t deserve to have you in his life. Not for anything.”
“For once, I think we can finally agree.” I sipped my cocoa, wishing I had the energy to get up and add more booze like the competent adult I was. Alex took my free hand and squeezed it.
“I’m sorry for what he said,” she murmured. “You didn’t deserve any of it.” She sighed and looked at the time on her phone. “I have to go to work,” she said. “Do you want me to call out and stay with you?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I said. “It all happened yesterday. Another cup of hot chocolate, and I might just be over it. I’m fine.”
“Do you want to come out and see me tonight?” she asked. “Have a few drinks or something?”
“I’ll think about it,” I said. I was tired and mostly just wanted to go to bed, but it was still vaguely early. I could only allow myself to be so pathetic day-to-day, and I was up to my limit for today. As tired as I was, I also didn’t want to sit around the house and mope about a guy who wasn’t worth fretting about.
“I hope I see you,” Alex said as she stood up and pulled on her jacket. “I’ll have a drink waiting.”