Chapter 43 Grayce

I stared at the textbook in my lap, re-reading the same paragraph repeatedly and not registering what it was saying. The house was quiet and peaceful, but I found myself craving the company of another human being. I debated calling my mom to vent to her, but it was late, and I didn’t want to take her away from her family with my young adult drama. Alex was due to be home soon, and there was no way I’d survive the night without letting it slip to her that Jaxon had made a move on me on the Quad. Even now, sitting by myself in the comfort of my home, I didn’t know what I was feeling or even how I should feel.
The kiss had caught me off guard, no doubt about that, but impressively I’d been able to pull myself together in time to stop a train wreck from happening. I didn’t know what to think about anything. Jaxon, trying to kiss me under the night sky, the scent of his aftershave making my senses tingle in a way I never thought possible. And I’d turned him down flat because I hadn’t known how else to react. How should one respond to something like that? I couldn’t imagine that Jaxon had genuine feelings for me, not even now, even after what had just happened. I was confident what I’d told him rang truer than either of us wanted to admit; Jaxon didn’t want me. He wanted comfort; he wanted solace. And, well, I just so happened to have boobs and a vagina, and he was still a guy. That was the end of it. I knew it, and he would know it, too.
I heard the key in the lock briefly, and Alex stepped through, shutting the door behind her as she dragged her work bag in and collapsed beside me on the couch, exhausted.
“Jesus, Grayce, you look like someone kicked your dog,” she said.
“We don’t have a dog.”
“It’s an expression.” She looked over at me, tired but knowing something was up. She always did. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I shrugged and reached for the cup of ice water sitting on the coffee table just for something to do besides cower under her gaze. She wasn’t going to let up, I knew that much, and I figured that if I tried to hide in the bathroom, she’d follow me there, too, so it wasn’t worth getting up off the couch.
“I think I need to apologize to Jaxon,” I said. I rested my head in my hands as every overwhelming emotion hit me in the gut, a sensation I should have known was coming in time. There was no escaping it; that much was becoming clear.
“Why? What happened?” Alex asked. I shook my head, remembering the look on his face after the rejection. He’d been so defensive, so hurt, and it was because of me.
“He tried to kiss me,” I said. “He asked me to meet him on the Quad so we could talk, and he made a move.” Alex said nothing to this at first, just waited for me to go on. “I turned him down, and I hurt him. Badly, I think.”
“He likes you,” Alex said, and it sounded like she was talking to herself. “He cares about you, Grayce.”
“No, he doesn’t, Alex. He was lonely and horny, and I was the only girl who would give him the time of day anymore. That’s all it is. He doesn’t want me. He wants sex.”
“Listen to yourself.” I was startled when my best friend’s tone was suddenly sharp, as if she were scolding a child. “God knows I’m not Jaxon Tate’s biggest fan, Grayce, but over the last few months, it’s been clear you two were becoming close.”
“We’re just friends. Jaxon has no interest in me other than the fact I’ve been there when no one else has. I’m the only stable thing in his life, and he assumes he can take advantage of that.”
“You’re in denial,” Alex said. “That boy is crazy about you, and you’re too afraid to see it.”
“Afraid?” I repeated. I was angry now. “I’m not scared of someone like Jaxon Tate, Alex. What in the hell do I have to fear?”
“Feelings,” she said. “You’re afraid to care about Jaxon the same way he cares about you because you think it’s too good to be true.” She paused, reading my face in silence. “No,” she said after a moment, primarily to herself. “You already care about him that way, and that’s why you’re so afraid. Because you’re already screwed even though you think avoiding it will make it hurt less.”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” I mumbled, but God damn . . . it made perfect sense.
“Leave before you’re left, huh?” Alex murmured. “That’s what you’re doing. If you can sabotage this potential relationship before it even begins, then there’s no way to get in deeper than you already are.”
“Fuck you,” I said and stood up from the couch. Alex didn’t seem taken aback by my outburst. She only looked at me as if reading an open book.
“He sees it now, Grayce,” she said. “He finally sees it. Now maybe it’s your turn.”