To Feel Alive

**Artemis**

Three days of being poked and pulled and prodded have started to take its toll. Cynthia is going way overboard.

I feel fine, although I’ve never seen people move so fast as when I tried to stand up alone. I didn’t fall but you would think I was made of glass.

I don’t know what happened with Frode, I don’t know if it was me off if it was him all I know is that I slept for a long time and when I woke up I felt as though I’d simply been in an aggressive training fight.

*” Okay. We have a few more tests and then you need rest”*

I roll my eyes at Cynth as she comes back into the room.

“Cynthia. Will you please listen to me”

I grab her wrists and hold her in front of me.

“I AM FINE”

She moved out of my way and stared me down making her eyes glow a little.

*“You are not fine. A few days ago you were almost dead and now you’re walking around like you just took a bad hit.”*

I got to speak but she pushes me in the bed to sit down and swings my legs onto the bed.

*“More to the point My son was part of it and I need to know how and why so sit still and shut up”*

She has an overprotective Mumma wolf, so I don’t argue with her anymore with fear she could actually take me in this state.

“Sorry, Cynth. I know you are worried about Frode too”

I smile at her as she checks my blood pressure for the ninth time today.

*” I just need to understand what happened Artemis and you are the key to it”*

“I understand Cynthia. But you are taking this too far, you can't keep testing me until you find something. You have to be open to the idea that you might not find the answer in me”

She drops her tools on the bench and I see her shoulders start to shake. Turning to face me I see she is crying so I grab her and bring her to me.

*” It’s all just so much Artemis. Almost losing you, having a baby, leaving him alone and now this it’s just a lot to process”*

“You need a break. You need to go and be with Sigi and Frode and not with me. If I have any problems I will come right to you. But I know you can feel I’m fine, you used your powers on me multiple times now”

*” I have been a bit crazy haven’t I? “*

“Just a little bit but it’s okay. Now go and be with Sigi. I know full well Ryan is hanging around outside the room, I’ll get him to take me for a walk and to my room”

Just as I say that Ryan comes in one hand on the door the other behind his head looking guilty.

“I thought I told you to go and get some sleep”

He doesn’t say anything, just stares at the ground like a little boy who has been scolded. Cynthia pulls away, kissing me on the head before leaving the room. Hopefully to shut down for a few days and be with her new little family.

I turn to Ryan who is now staring at me.

“Ryan. I have been locked in this house for days. Please take me outside”

I practically begged him waiting for him giving him my best big eyes to sway his decision.

*” You know I can’t resist it when you make that face at me, come on”*

I throw him a massive grin and head towards him, as soon as my hand touches his he scoops me up bridal style, paying extra special care ensuring we don’t have skin on skin contact.

“Hey we spoke about this I can walk you know”


*” I know that very well but I would prefer to have you close to me, I’ve missed you”*

I have noticed the last few days how he has opted for longer sleeves so he can sit next to me on the sofa in the hospital room. Or how he gets just close enough for me to feel him without ever touching me.

“You know I miss it too Ryan”

I stare up at him still needlessly carrying me to the garden, watching as the corners of his mouth turn up into a smile.

We reach the garden and I see a huge blanket laid out with some food on it all piled neatly in a basket.

“Ryan how did you do all of this”

*” The truth is I was planning on sneaking you out of that room today anyway. I know you better than anyone, I could feel the cabin fever setting in”*

He lowers me to the ground and carefully lets me pull away.

“Ryan this is amazing”

I turn back to him desperate to hug him, to grab hold of his face and kiss him, but I hold back. The pain I felt before was excruciating but the look on his face was worse, I will do whatever it takes to not see him that way again.

We sit together laughing and talking but it does feel like something is missing and I know that both of us are aware of it, I take a deep breath and decide to break the ice on it before it becomes unbearable.

“I know it feels weird Ryan, it’s okay”

He looks up at me with the same love I’ve seen a million times but then his eyes flash for a second, His wolf has taken control, I see nothing but sadness before his own reappear.

*” He feels it Sel. We are trying to deal with it but it’s like only half of you came back and now we can’t even touch you”*

He drops his head no longer looking at me and I know it because he feels bad for saying it out loud.

“I feel it too. It’s like a pull that I can’t explain. It’s like I have an urge to be near you to be around you, but it just can’t get it past it. It is like it’s locked away.”

*” I feel it too, Sel. Reiji is struggling with it..things were not the same the minute you got dragged away from me. I just suddenly couldn’t feel you anymore, I tried so hard to get up off the floor to be with you.”*

I can feel myself getting upset remembering him lying on the floor all over again.

“I’m sorry Ryan. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough for you, I let you down”

The tears are streaming down my face as I stare at him, apologising over and over for leaving him.

“I’m sorry I left you, I thought of you every day. I prayed to the moon goddess that you were able to get up off the floor and get help”

It dawns on me that I haven’t asked him how he did manage to get help yet, When I saw him lying on the floor he was shredded to pieces.

*” I know how your brain works Arti, I can see it in your eyes you’re wondering how I did it aren’t you”*

I Nod, I’ve never been able to hide what I’m thinking from him, it's always written on my face.

*” To be honest I’m not sure. I managed to shift, it’s like something came over me, like a light switching on in my head. I wanted to run after you but something told me that you’d be in danger if I did”*

“What do you mean? Like a feeling ?”

*” Exactly that. It was like I knew if I had chased you we would both end up dead so I just ran. I ran until I reached the border, there were already some wolves there looking for us.
I collapsed on them, when I woke up it was a week later and I was in a hospital bed.”

“You mean you don’t remember anything that happened in between”


*”No”*

“Cynthia said you had surgery”

*” I did, I had some pretty deep puncture wounds that needed assistance to heal”*

My heart aches knowing I wasn’t there for him all this time, I wasn’t there to help him get through it all.

*” The weirdest part about this whole thing was my dreams. They felt so real, I was wondering a vast white corridor lined with rooms. In my dream, I was looking for you, but with every door, I opened I was left disappointed and then I would wake up”*

That’s how I remember being pulled out of my state, I toy with the idea of telling him but for now, I leave it. This isn’t about me, this is about him.

“Ryan. Can I see them… your scars I mean”

*” Artemis, I’m not sure that’s a good idea they are not nice”*

He looks down in his lap as he speaks almost as if he has said something embarrassing.

“Ryan. Look at me. “


He looks up to meet my gaze and I pray to the moon goddess he can feel all my emotions seeing as I cannot touch him.

“I will love you always, I promised you the day we met. The day I knew you were the one for me. Please show me”

He stands up and I watch him carefully as he lifts his shirt over his head. I struggle to hold in my gasp, deep lines cover the whole of his torso.

Claw marks on top of claw marks, some still bright pink having only now just healed. I want so desperately to touch him.

Standing up, I step towards him tracing the lines on his body with my finger. With every movement, I take extra care to not let our skin touch.

I follow the lines around his back and up towards his neck.

“Ryan close your eyes”


He does and lets out a small moan as I leave a gap between our bodies, my breathing getting raspy at the thought of being near him in the way I’ve missed.

His chest rises and falls in rhythm with my own.

I decide I can’t stand it anymore, I need to touch him to be close to him. Its been to long since the incident we haven’t been near one another and its torture.

I take a deep breath readying myself for the pain and I place a finger on one of the scars, I brace myself but the pain doesn’t come.

I internally squeal with excitement, maybe it's because it’s such a small part of my body that can touch him but it brings me so much excitement.

I trace the scars across his chest, it’s like tiny bolts of electricity flowing from him to me, like my senses, are coming alive.

*” It feels like your touching me Arti, you have no idea how much I wish this was real”*

“Me too”

I smile as I watch him, his eyes still firmly shut. I decide to try to touch him with my other hand once again bracing myself for the pain but it doesn’t come.

I want to touch him so badly. I wasn’t to be with him in every way.

Deciding to take the final plunge I place both my hands lightly on his chest and wait.
Nothing happens.

I wait a few more seconds just to be sure.

“Ryan. Look”

He opens his eyes and looks down at my hands instantly pulling away. I frown at him confused.

*” Don’t you hurt yourself. It’s not worth it”*

How could he think that, how could he think even the smallest amount of pain wouldn’t be worth touching him and being with him.

He is still staring at me with a worried look on his face. I guess I was going to have to test my whole body against him sometime. It's just sooner than I thought.

I step towards him once more and wrap my arms around his waist pulling him into me, Kissing him with love I have for him. He tries to pull away but sensing that he won’t win, he wraps his arms around me.

I kiss him waiting for the burning but it doesn’t happen, that only urges me to deepen the kiss as he lifts me off the ground, my legs now firmly wrapped around his waist.

We stay locked in the embrace of what another for what feels like a lifetime, savouring all the moments we have missed before breaking away.

Both of us breathing heavy, Ryan's forehead resting on my own.

*” You can touch me. What changed “*

*I have no idea, but I’m not mad an it “

He pulls me back into him nuzzling my neck.

*” God you have no idea how much I have missed you “*

I squeezed him tighter, my thoughts momentarily sidetracked.

What the heck did that baby do to me?