I'm Not Weak

I don’t want to let go of him, touching him like this makes me realise just how much I’ve missed.

Just how much I’ve missed him. Embracing him always seemed like the most natural thing in the world although I have to admit this time it is somewhat different.

It’s like I’m not giving myself to him fully, my only assumption is that it is because I am missing Aria. I am desperate to find out what happened, to find out why I cannot feel her but at the same time.
I don’t want to miss out on living, I’m here right now with the people I love the most.

I pull away from him and he whimpers at the loss of contact, I know this cannot be easy for him.
I take his hand and urge him to sit once more, the two of us enjoying the last of the warm sun as we lay down our fingers interlocked staring up at the sky.

I try to push all of my thoughts to the back of my mind, a thousand questions looping over and over, the events that led me here bringing me more questions with each corner I turn.

The one I can't seem to shake, the one that screams the loudest when I close my eyes is Why?.

Why did she go with Salvi?
Why did she stab me?
Why did she drug me?

As much as I try to enjoy the calming silence between Ryan and me, I have to talk about it. I have to know what he’s thinking.

“Ryan. Why do you think she did it? Why do you think she tricked us ?”

He rolls on his side propping himself up on one arm.

*” Honestly I don’t know Artemis. I have thought about it over and over. From when she found us to when Salvi came and something was off”*

“What do you mean something was off “

*” I could have sworn when we spoke to her about coming with her I saw a hint of happiness in her eyes. I thought she wanted to come with us.”*

“I did too, I thought I had convinced her”

*” You still want to help her don’t you?”*

“ I don’t know what I want to do. I just get the feeling that whatever truth she has been told isn’t the whole story”

*” Does it really matter ?”*

I frown at him, of course, it matters. She could be being misled and heading for the same fate she only just escaped from.

“It matters to me. It matters that she is safe. I can’t explain why but deep down I feel the same way about her now, that I did when we left to find her “

*” But she Stabbed you Artemis, she had no worries about harming you. Nor did she seem to care too much when she plunged a knife into your side “*

His eyes flash with anger as he speaks as if he is reliving the moment.

“I understand that Ryan. When I was dragged away from you, I was sure you were dead. I called out your name over and over. I am mad about this too “

*” That’s funny you don’t seem that angry, I mean your still wondering if she can be saved Artemis”*

His voice I raised and all pretences of loveliness have left the two of us ready to face off, I know it’s out of frustration but it still raised my blood.

“It’s not about being saved, it’s about making sure no one takes advantage of her. That she has people that really care for her and I don’t think that’s it Salvi”*

*” But that’s not your job Arti. When will you stop trying to mother everyone and live your own life”*


His words pierce through me and I let out a gasp.

*” When will you start living our life with me”*


Anger and sadness are radiating from him and I stand in silences shocked at his words.

*” Artemis. Look When your sisters grew up and when Selene found Calder we said we would live, I waited so long to have you to myself. I followed you when you wanted to find Sekreta, I stayed still when my instinct told me to fight”*

He stands up looking down at me.

*“I took myself to the very edge when I was bleeding out. To save you. To get help for you.”*

I stand up grabbing his wrist, tears once again flowing as I process everything. But he pulls away.

We have waited so long to touch, and he pulled away.

“Ryan I…”


*” Stop Artemis. Just stop. Stop trying to justify all of this, I waited so long to have my mate back. You have come back half a person and I still worship the ground you walk on, I still want a life with you. You are at the centre of my universe, but it seems as though I’m not even part of your thoughts. I don’t know if I can keep doing this.”*

He starts to walk away and I walk after him.

“Ryan please just wait, we can work this out. Please just don’t walk away from me”


He stops in place and turns to me.

*” I need space Artemis. I had plans for my life too, and I’m running out of time to do it. Come and find me when you get things sorted in your mind. Until it no longer you’re the second choice please leave me alone”*

I watch as he walks away, my tears leaving me unable to speak. Replaying all of this over and over again, how could we have gone from happiness to this so quickly.

I want to run after him, to kiss him and tell him I’m sorry, but he doesn’t want that, he doesn’t want me right now.

I slowly walk back into the house avoiding everyone, keeping my head down so they don’t see my puffy eyes.

I should go back to the hospital room but I need to be alone. I wander the second floor of the house until I reach a small room at the end seemingly unoccupied as there are no possessions in the room, the bed still unmade.

Walking inside I lock the door behind me and slump down on the floor sobbing.

It feels like hours pass as the sun is now set fully and the moon is shining brightly, I drag myself over to the bed and curl up into a ball on it.

I can hear a commotion in the corridors, people running around some shouting as if they are looking for something but I ignore it, simply staring up at the moon.

“Aria”

I call out for my wolf once more but I hear only silence.

“Aria. Please I need you”

I whisper the words, my eyes still fixated at the moon.

Once more I’m greeted with silence, the room now filling with my silent sobs. Maybe Cynthia was right and she has gone forever. That thought alone adds more tears and I drift into sleep alone in the quiet empty room.

I wake up feeling the breeze on my legs as a shiver runs down my eyes. I let my eyes open slowly, my throat dry from the crying.

I can see it's still dark outside and there is a stillness in the house, I grab the folded quilt wrapping it around myself.

I wonder if people are looking for me, or if they are simply happy for some time away just like Ryan.

It's the first time since I realised Aria wasn’t with me that I was glad, No one could link me and break the comforting silence. I have deduced that I must have a weak scent now too or surely a house full of wolves would have found me.

My thoughts again turn to Ryan, my heart pining for him. I can’t bear to face him though I hurt him and I know he wants me to go to him and say we can live life and be happy.

It would be a lie, in the pit of my stomach I know I’m supposed to help Sekreta still or this feeling would be gone and I really could give myself fully to Ryan.

I was hurt by his words, I didn’t know he always felt second best in my life. I am just so confused and lost and I have no idea what I’m going to do.

But I cannot keep crying, I am better than this. I no longer have Aria but it doesn’t make me weak, There must be a way I can do both.

I just have to find it. How can I be there for Ryan in the way he needs to show him how much I love him and help cure this feeling.

I stare up at the moon high in the sky determination filling my mind.

“MoodGoddess if you are listening I am more than what you gave to me and I’ll prove it to you one way or another. You might have abandoned me but I won’t abandon myself”


Stand up throwing the quilt from me, unlocking the door and heading to my room with Ryan. I will just sneak in, grab some work out clothes and a few other bits then head back to that room. I’ll stay away from him as he wishes but I’m sure as hell not going back to that hospital bed.

I push the door open carefully hoping not to wake him, once inside I see the bed is empty. I scan the room looking for him but everything seems to have a light layer of dust on it as if no-one has been in here since we packed up and left.

I grab a small bag and begin shoving in clothes and some other bits I might need before turning back to the door.
*” What are you doing, where the hell have you been ?”*

An angry Ryan stood in the doorway staring at me.

“I’ve been trying to stay out of the way”

I play with the handle of the bag hoping he isn’t mad that I came in here.

*” We have had people looking for you all night Arti”*

“What.. what do you mean?”

*” We thought you had gone to look for her again, Calder sent wolves out looking for you. Where have you been ?”*

“I didn’t realise, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to go back to the hospital room or come here as you needed space so I found a little room on the second floor and fell asleep”

*” You could have let us know, you could have linked…”*

“No, I couldn’t have”

It’s another painful reminder of what exactly I’ve lost.

“I’m just grabbing something and then I’ll be out of the way”

*” Where are you going ?”*

He eyes me suspiciously and fixates on the bag.

“I’m just going back to that small room. I don’t want to be in the way”

He sighs as if he was relieved to hear me say this.

*” Don’t be silly you stay here. I’ll go to that room”*

He steps towards me, looking into my eyes.

I hold love in them, but also pity. He pities me now, he has a wolfless weak human for a mate, I can feel the emotions radiating from him.

“I would rather go there Ryan, I’ve already caused enough trouble”

I try not to let him know I saw and felt.

*” Don’t be silly Arti, just stay here “*
“No Ryan. You told me to come back to you when I’ve figured all this out. I haven’t, and besides, I’m wolfless, weak and completely useless to you right now. I wouldn’t even blame you if you rejected me”

I push past him ignoring his calls for me to come back. We need this both of us however I think I would die if he were to reject me.

The journey I’m about to go on is to bring me back to him, I just hope he can wait for me a bit longer. I will work my hardest to be what he needs.