Chapter36 Still love her?

"I'm not ready to accept the reality. That person... meant a lot to me. I can't seem to move on. Whenever I try, I feel like giving up already. I am tired of struggling... " I gulped in some much needed air. Talking about her was physically draining. When I looked at Brielly, she was in deep thought. A small scowl plastered her face. She coughed lightly.
"Well..." She rolled her lips inward and pressed them together tightly. After a while, she blew out a sigh. I read somewhere that in life, things happen around us and things happen to us, but the only thing that truly matters is how you choose to react to it and what you make out of it. You know what I mean? I guess Zuriel, it's okay to struggle. After all, life is all about learning and converting all the struggles that we experience into something positive. So whatever you are struggling with, just remember that it was a bad time in your life and it will end soon. I don't know much about it, but I have faith in you. Just wait for the happy ending. " She beamed proudly, and I scoffed.
"In reality, everything is fake, Brielle." Nobody cares about you until you die. Even then, they don't give a fuck. There are no happy endings. " I kept my voice firm.
"In love, there is." She added, determined.
"Love is most overused concept in life." A humourless laugh escaped from my lips.
"Why are you so against love?" Her temper flared. That remark earned her a chilling look.
"Have you ever been in love?" I questioned her.
"I..." She appeared nervous.
It's a horrible feeling. It makes you so vulnerable. " I closed my eyes, remembering the quote she once recited to me by Neil Gaiman. I thought about all the times we spent together.
All those days we wasted getting to know each other.
All the years I spent with my eyes closed.
If she said it was raining cats and dogs, I believed her blindly.
It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest, it opens up your heart, and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you. Then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real get-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. "
When she read it to me, I laughed, thinking this Neil guy had no clue how it felt to be in love. However, years later, this was the closest thing that portrayed how I felt. I was never good with emotions, especially describing them, but this quote summarised what love did to me.
Normal people talked about all sorts of romantic shit when they lay under the stars, and then you had us. A chill raced down my spine when I realised I had opened up to her. I shared my feelings with her. I let my guard down and practically babbled about how I felt about Carly. The questions whirled through my mind and made no sense. For some reason, I felt relieved to share this with her. When I noticed she hadn't replied back, I looked at her. She was looking straight ahead with a frown. I braced myself for disdain, shock, or even sympathy. But she shocked me by saying something I wasn't expecting.
"Wow, she was a bitch." Sheer rage swept over her face. I remained silent.
She was!
"How do you know it's a she?" I questioned her, teasingly. Her blue orbs gazed at my face, and she smirked.
"How do you know it's a she?" I questioned her, teasingly. Her blue orbs gazed at my face, and she smirked.
"I hope it's a she." She took a ragged breath, and her body shuddered.
"It is a she." I informed her.
"And what is this 'she's' name?"
I whispered her name out bitterly.
"You... loved her?" She looked distinctly uncomfortable.
"I don't know." I replied, honestly. I heard a sharp intake.