Chapter 51 Past

Flashback
He must saw the challenge in eyes because he smirked meaningfully and took a step forward. Next thing I knew, his lips were on mine again and his hands touching my bare back. I felt like everywhere he touched me, it left a trail of fire. We both were interrupted by a loud ringtone. He groaned in frustration and pulled back. His hands were inside his pocket, searching for the phone. He cursed softly under his breath when the phone kept ringing. I laughed softly and pulled him back to another kiss. His phone forgotten again but the other person was persistent. We both pulled apart. Our eyes shifted down to the caller name and we both stilled.
Carly!!
And just like that, the pink bubble I was living in popped. My chest squeezed as my spine stiffened. What felt like year but only few seconds he managed to look at me but he looked like he was in pain as he stared hard at me. The phone was still ringing. I knew the moment was gone. I wanted to throw that phone out the window but he was clutching it so tightly. I was sure my face was betraying me as I felt a sudden cold rushing through my veins. I would be lying if I say my heart didn't feel constricted.
He just told me that he don't know that he still loves her but didn't deny it also that he don't love her
yet here I was, taking advantage of the situation. Taking advantage of him. I thought I was better than this. He will wake up in the morning hating himself and as much as I want him, it would be selfish of me to allow that. I didn't want to ruin the trust he had in me.
I didn't want to think anymore. I didn't know what to say. I was mad and frustrated. Mad because I know his feeling for Carly is still there and he still loves her after what she has done. Frustrated because knowing all this I still want him. I wanted to make him forget about Carly. I slumped against the wall. The back of my eyes stung. I opened my eyes and blinked couple of times. I forced myself to breathe deeply. I kept my head down to avoid his gaze.
"Zuriel..." I breathed deeply to calm my nerves. I didn't know what to say? I didn't wanted him to speak to her in front of me but at the same I wanted to hear how he would sound speaking with her.
His hand touched to my cheek, titling my face to meet his. His eyes searched mine. "I shouldn't have..." He sounded unsure and looked down at his iPhone. He looked conflicted and it added nothing but more fuel to the guilt I was feeling.
Carly (3 miscalls)
Great, he must be regretting. I felt like an idiot now. Of course, it was making sense now. We were so clouded with the lust that we forgot who we were and what we were about to do.
"I was the one who came to your room, fully knowing your feelings for her." Compared to his voice, mine was barely audible, "I'll just go back to my..."
His head shot up. "I meant I shouldn't have let her affect me like this. I never said that I shouldn't have done this with you." He said firmly and my eyes widened.
"I'm not a good person Brielle, I fuck up a lot and I hurt the people who are close... me.... You are a good person and I don't want to hurt you. I may never be able to give you what you want but that doesn't stop me from wanting you. I. Want. You. So. Fucking. Badly."
His hand was slowly trailing my back until it was touching the back of my neck. His fingers were grazing the back of my neck and his lips were close to my jaw but not touching me. I smiled sadly at his confession. He placed his forehead on mine. Just being this close to him made me safe.
"I don't want to ruin anything between us but that doesn't stop me from wanting you. I am just getting used to you. You deserve honesty and truth is Brielle I am not sure how long will this last, how long will it take me to get over her. I don't want to give you a false hope." He whispered.
I always looked for safety in whatever I did. I always wanted things steadily. Being with him was havoc.
I came to conclusion that there is no doubt that I want him but I need to respect his feelings. Everyone has a past. He is still living in his past.
His love for Carly isn't something that can be replaced over one night of heated passion. No matter how much I wish... There wouldn't be any difference between me and the other girls he was with. What does that make me?
'Give him time."
Try to understand him. Be patient. Give him time.
That's what everyone said about him. I know he has a lot of baggage but this guy... he deserves so much. He deserves happiness. I watched his as he visibly appeared conflicted but I was glad he didn't shut himself like usual.
"I get it..." and I truly did. I gave him a small smile and reassured him. "I should go to my room..." I pointed to the door for the umpteenth time.
God! Why did it have to end like this? We both needed space to think what just happened.
"Stay." It wasn't a request but a firm order. I hesitated but a part of me was excited.
"I'll promise to behave." He smirked, his hand gripping my waist and squeezing it lightly and I was pretty sure I was a shade redder. No words were spoken for a while. We were both were lost in our thoughts but I noticed, Arran didn't retreated like he did in past.
"I'll..." I pointed at the bathroom and made a run to it. Only when the door was locked, I let out a huge breath.
My hands were clammy; my breath was coming out in short pants. Wow, what is going on? This is not how I imagined it would go. I paced around.
After removing my make up and brushing my teeth with disposal toothbrush, I sat on the edge of the tub not knowing what to do. I still had my dress on and as much as I love it, I'm not sleeping on it.