Chapter 492
I was done and ready to go, but Brandon’s hand pulled me back to the couch as I started to stand up.
I wanted to yank away from him, but I calmed slightly when he said, “Okay, okay, okay. I’m sorry. If that’s what you’ve been working on, I can see why that would take a lot of attention.” I figured he was honing in on the army part now since he had to have known I’d been focused on Daunator, unless he also doesn’t listen when people talk to him—like me that night. “I didn’t mean to be rude. I was just, like I said before, worried about you.”
For someone who didn’t mean to be rude, his tone hadn’t quite returned to its normal level yet, but I decided if he could apologize, I could calm down. “Don’t be. I’m fine.”
He wasn’t buying it. He was reading my face and knew that I wasn’t okay. And that had more to do with Guardians than Vampires. But I wasn’t going there. And I prayed he wouldn’t either because I just really wanted to focus on what was happening in Europe right now and not on any of the other million thoughts jumbling through my head every time I thought about Brandon or the portal... or Alex.
He reached up and patted my shoulder, running his hand down my arm. “I really am sorry I upset you, Cass. That wasn’t what I was trying to do.”
“I know.” I did. I understood that he just wanted to have a conversation with me, the old me, the one that loved to sit and chat with him for hours about everything and nothing. But she wasn’t there at the moment, and there wasn’t anything I could do to conjure her up.
“It’s just... ever since I got back, I feel like I don’t know what to say to you, how to talk, what you’re thinking about. It’s weird.”
My prayer had failed. He’d gone there. Rather than acknowledge the fact that the portal experience had changed me, I decided to push it back onto him, let him be the weirdo, not me. “Maybe something happened to your brain while you were in the portal. Maybe you left part of it there.”
Initially, I had been joking. At least I thought I was. But he didn’t think it was funny. I could tell he felt I was being mean by the way his eyes crinkled at the corners. He was calm when he said, “I think my entire brain came back with me.”
I should’ve laughed or let it go. But of course, I didn’t. “Did you check to see if it is plugged in?”
He let out a sigh that sounded a little bit like a haunting. “All right. Very funny.” He was done with my teasing, and I realized then I should’ve let it go about two statements ago. That morose expression came over him again, and I looked at the door one more time, thinking I should bolt before he returned to his statement about the portal. Either I was too tired to get my feet to move in time, or part of me still thought there was a chance he would leave well enough alone. But he didn’t. “I guess I thought maybe you were still thinking about—the portal.”
When Brandon says “the portal” like that, he isn’t actually asking about the portal. He’s asking about what happened while he was in the portal. He’s really talking about Alex. He doesn’t have to say it for me to know that’s what he means. So I asked, “The portal?” also meaning Alex. “Why would I still be thinking about that?” About what his message to me meant... what it still means. I blinked, pulling myself back to Brandon. “Unless you’re planning on going back,” I joked.
“I’m never going back.” His answer was definitive, like I didn’t already know that.
“Okay then, no. Definitely not the portal.” Definitely not Alex.... I ran my hand through my hair wishing invisibility was one of my superpowers so I could use it now to get out the door before he said what he actually meant. It was there, percolating underneath the surface. I could see it. If I slipped into his mind for even a half second, I’d catch it. I didn’t want to, so I steered clear.
I couldn’t tell him what I’d talked to Christian about because I’d basically promised I wouldn’t. But I thought Brandon needed to know there was something more to this situation in Europe now, so I attempted to reason out a way to tell him about it without actually disclosing anything. With a sigh, I moved slightly closer to him and tried to get it out. “Listen, it’s just... there’s something I have been thinking a lot about, something, I can’t really talk to you about, and it’s been taking up a lot of my energy lately. So sorry if I haven’t been myself.” That came out all wrong. He looked even more confused now than he had been before.
And then... he ultimately went to the one place he never, ever should’ve gone to.
“Does it have to do with Alex?”
“Alex?” His name came out of my mouth like a curse as I hurled myself up off of the couch, outraged that he’d dare bring up the topic I was trying to avoid with my previous statement. “What? Brandon, what do you mean? No, it doesn’t have anything to do with Alex!”
He jumped up, too, his hands out in front of him as he apologized. “Sorry! I just thought maybe it had something to do with that note he left for you, that’s all.”
It was natural for him to wonder what had been in that letter, and I was honestly surprised he hadn’t asked to read it. So why I was so angry that he’d mentioned it, I didn’t know. It was irrational. I tried to keep my voice even, but it was still a little squeaky when I reminded him, “Alex is gone, Brandon. It’s not like I can bring him back this time. I don’t even have his body!”
The way it came out probably made him think I’d considered trying to bring it back. I hadn’t, not really. I knew Alex wanted to be where he was now... with his wife and his family.
But Brandon’s reasoning wasn’t unfounded. “I know. Which is why I thought you might be thinking about the portal.”
Was this just his way of making it seem as if he’d actually meant the portal when he’d asked about the portal? Or was he as much of a nutcase as I felt like? “Seriously? You thought I might be contemplating going into the Blood Moon Portal to retrieve Alex’s body—if it’s still there—to try to bring him back through the Blue Moon Portal?” It sounded so stupid coming out of my own mouth, it seemed ridiculous to think that he’d thought it was a possibility. I hadn’t ever thought about that—had I? I was pretty sure I hadn’t. “You are a special kind of moron.”
The insult did its job. My boyfriend’s face melted into a puddle of sadness as he said, “Thanks, Cass. I appreciate that. I really do.”
I didn’t have anything else to say to him at the moment. Tired of fighting, tired of thinking about the portal, and Alex, and death, I headed for the door. He reached for me as I fled, but this time he didn’t grab me. “Cass, wait.”
“Sorry. I think I’ve had enough of your inquiries for one evening.” I was at the door, anger jumbling my thoughts. “Thank God I wasn’t stupid enough to tell you what I’m really working on. Who knows what you might’ve thought then.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing. Only that you’d probably just assume I’m in love with the person I’m working with, that’s all.” The thought had bile rising up the back of my throat. Trying not to gag, I reached for the doorknob.
“Who’s that?”
As if I was going to tell him now. I threw the door open and walked out into the hallway, feeling like I was about to puke and like I couldn’t breathe. I just needed to get away from him. He was yelling after me, asking me who it was.
“It’s this really hot guy I’ve been wanting to date for a while, since I saw him at the gym,” I said over my shoulder, glaring at Brandon as I continued down the hallway toward the elevator.
“I know you’re just trying to make me mad, Cass, but it’s not funny. Seriously, who is it?”
“It’s no one, Brandon,” I shouted, calling the elevator. “Go back to your apartment!”
I figured he’d say something else, but then I heard Ashley’s voice, asking if we were all right. I’d let him field that one. The elevator doors opened, and I leapt inside. My finger hit the down button before I even thought about where I was going. All I knew was that I needed some air, quickly. I could apologize for bothering Ashley again later.
I stepped outside into the cool autumn air, glad it wasn’t as sticky has it had been a few nights ago, and contacted the one person I never, ever thought I’d be reaching out to, especially this late at night when I’d just had a fight with my boyfriend. “Christian? Where are you? Are you busy?”
