Chapter 538
A few moments later, he stopped laughing enough to say, “Thank you for filling me in, Cass. It sounds like I’m missing out on a lot of information still, but at least I know what you’ve been up to. It must’ve been stressful for you, trying to keep Christian’s secret when you knew it would be better for both of you if you got him some help. I can imagine that must’ve been very distracting.”
He seemed to think my confession was over, and if I was smart, I would’ve left it at that. But as long as I was baring my soul, I may as well press on and clear the air of everything. I didn’t want for us to get back together with any secrets between us. “It was difficult, Brandon, but if I’m going to be completely honest with you, I have to say, that wasn’t the only problem.”
The color slowly drained from his face. “There’s more?”
I wasn’t sure how to explain the rest of what I needed to tell him. Using my powers, I pulled the water bottle off of the floor and into my hand, slowly taking a drink while I thought about what to say. The water helped my dry mouth, but I still didn’t know how to tell him—about Alex.
“Hey, Cass, it’s okay.” He leaned even further toward me, his hand outstretched. It didn’t quite reach me. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.” With a last reach, his fingertips came down on my knee.
I thought about how much losing Alex had hurt me in ways I couldn’t even describe and how it had been Brandon’s arms that had tried to keep me together when I was falling apart in ways I had no words to discuss. I wanted to be back there again, next to him, but he needed to know exactly why I was feeling the way I was about Alex—in all its complex, multilayered, multifaceted honesty.
When I finally felt courageous enough to start speaking, I looked him in the eye. I had to. I needed to see how he processed what I was about to tell him, and I was done hiding. “You were right about Alex.” His eyes shifted slightly as he deciphered what that meant. “I had no idea how he felt about me when he was still here, but the note he wrote me while he was dying left little doubt.”
Slowly, he leaned back on the couch, his hands covering his face for a moment as he dragged his fingertips down to his chin. He tucked his hands under his chin awkwardly. “Oh.” A few seconds later, he nodded. “And... you had feelings for him, too.”
It was a logical conclusion based on the way I’d been acting, but it wasn’t quite accurate. “Not exactly. I was your girlfriend.” It still seemed weird to be using the past tense. “I loved you.” I shouldn’t have used it there. That wasn’t in the past. “If anything, it was like a celebrity crush. Never, in all of the time that I knew him, did I ever let myself wonder what it would be like if I was dating him instead of you. It's sort of like Lucy having a crush on Aaron. She’d never actually try to pursue it because that would be pointless and stupid.”
“I’ve actually seen that girl drool over him. Like, saliva—coming out of her mouth.”
I snickered. I had, too. “Okay, maybe that was a bad example. I didn’t drool over Alex. I just liked being in his company. I found him fascinating. We were friends, as best as I could tell, and I knew he wasn’t planning on being around forever. So... I didn’t think about actually trying to be with him. I wasn’t planning on breaking up with you to date him or anything.”
He was following me, and I could tell by his expression he both understood and believed me. “But if he hadn’t died, and he would’ve told you how he felt, would you have wanted to date him?”
“No, I don’t think so.” The answer sprang out of my mouth, and I was confident it was the truth. He arched an eyebrow at me, and I realized he needed me to elaborate. “I mean, I’m pretty sure that’s not what has me feeling the way I am. I know I miss him—he was a good friend. I think it’s just... the possibility that there may be someone else out there that I haven’t met yet has me wondering what might happen if you and I commit to each other too quickly. You could meet someone else, for that matter.”
“I don’t want to meet someone else, Cass.” His answer came quickly, and I stopped and stared at him as he continued. “There’s not a girl alive on this planet I’d rather be with than you.”
He was so certain; how could he be so sure? “There might be. You haven’t met all of the girls on the planet.”
“I don’t have to meet them.” He scoffed at me like I’d lost my mind. “God couldn’t create a girl I’d rather be with than you, Cassidy Findley.” He gave me one swift nod, like it was a done deal.
I wanted to both kiss him and punch him at the same time. For one thing, it made my heart flutter that he was so sure he didn’t want to be with anyone other than me. On the other hand, it also irritated me that he had that clarity while I was still fumbling around in the dark.
It wasn’t that I wanted to be with anyone else. I didn’t. I needed to find a way to explain my fears. “I think you’re pretty perfect, too, Brandon. I just don’t know what the future holds, and I’m not planning on getting married more than once. Unless... you know.” I couldn’t say what I was thinking. My mind went to my grandma. She hadn’t planned on losing my grandpa ever, but he’d been shot in cold blood just the same. If she’d been younger, would Grandma Janette have gotten married again?
He was nodding at me again. “We don’t have to get married any time soon, Cass.”
“I know we don’t have to.” He had never given me the impression he’d been ring shopping. I wasn’t even seventeen yet. “I just get nervous that... what if I meet someone and you and I are together, and I do start to wonder about being with that guy? I don't want to hurt you.” There—I’d finally gotten out what I’d needed to say ever since I got that message from Alex. I was afraid I might develop feelings for someone else and end up breaking Brandon’s heart.
He scooted forward a little more so that he was hardly on the couch anymore, and his hand that had been on my knee moved up to my arm. “Not being with you hurts me, Cass. I’d rather be with you for a day when you’re my girl than be apart from you to spare the suffering of losing you the day after.”
My heart wanted to leap out of my chest. That was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me. I felt tears in my eyes as he dropped down on his knees and took both of my hands. “Listen, you. I love you. And I’m sorry I didn’t know how to give you the space you needed to help Christian without giving you too much space. But if you start to feel like there’s someone else... you can talk to me about it. Sure, I’ll be jealous, but I’d rather know what’s going on inside of that beautiful head of yours than have to guess and worry. Unlike some people, I cannot read minds.”
I giggled at his joke, though sometimes I wished he could read my mind. It might make conversations like this easier. “Okay. I’ll keep that in mind. And if you find another girl you think is hotter than me, you tell me, too, so I can levitate her off of a tall building.”
He laughed and leaned closer to me. The familiar scent of his cologne seemed like home to me, especially when I picked up hints of pepperoni and the mints he used to attempt to cover up the pizza smell. He lifted my chin, his fingers light on my skin. “I love you, Cass.”
“I love you, too.” His eyes were stronger than any powers of mine, and I was stuck in their hold.
“Wanna be my girl again?”
I didn’t hesitate. “Yes, please.”
His smile widened and he leaned further in to kiss me. I closed the gap between us, so glad to be back in his arms again. It might not have solved all the problems in the world, but at least for a few minutes, I felt like I could breathe again, like everything was going to be okay. The rest of the world might be angry at me, but Brandon wasn’t. And at the moment, that’s all I cared about.
